Don’t Be the Bunny – Urinetown

TOO MUCH EXPOSITION

Lockstock
Well, hello there. And welcome – to Urinetown! Not the place, of course. The musical. Urinetown “the place” is … well, it’s a place you’ll hear people referring to a lot through the show.

Penny
You hear the news? They carted Old “So and So” off to Urinetown the other day.

Bobby
Is that so? What he do?

Penny
Oh, such and such, I hear.

Bobby
Well, what do you know. Old “So and So”.

Lockstock
It’s kind of a mythical place, you understand. A bad place. A place you won’t see until Act Two. And then…? Well, let’s just say it’s filled with symbolism and things like that.
But Urinetown “the musical”, well, here we are. Welcome. It takes place in a town like any town…that you might find in a musical. This here’s the first setting for the show.
As the sign says, it’s a “public amenity”, meaning public toilet. These people have been waiting for hours to get in. It’s the only amenity they can afford to get into.

Little Sally
Say, Officer Lockstock, is this where you tell the audience about the water shortage?

Lockstock
What’s that, Little Sally?

Little Sally
You know, the water shortage. The hard times. The drought. A shortage so awful that private toilets eventually become unthinkable. A premise so absurd that –

Lockstock
Whoa, there, Little Sally. Not all at once. They’ll hear more about the water shortage in the next scene.

Little Sally
Oh, I guess you don’t want to overload them with too much exposition, huh.

Lockstock
Everything in its time, Little Sally. You’re too young to understand it now, but nothing can kill a show like too much exposition.

Little Sally
How about bad subject matter?

Lockstock
Well –

Little Sally
Or a bad title, even? That could kill a show pretty good.

Lockstock
Well, Little Sally, suffice it to say that in Urinetown (the musical) everyone has to use public bathrooms in order to take care of their private business. That’s the central conceit of the show!

Better hope your pennies
Add up to the fee –
We can’t have you peeing
For free
If you do, we’ll catch you
We, we never fail!
And we never bother with jail

All
You’ll get Urinetown!
Off you’ll go to Urinetown!
Away with you to Urinetown!

Lockstock
You won’t need bail

Later on you’ll learn that these “public bathrooms” are controlled by a private company. They keep admission hight, generally, so if you’re down on your luck you have to come to a place like this – one of the poorest, filthiest urinals in town.

Little Sally
And you can’t just go in the bushes either, there’s laws against it.

Lockstock
That’s right, Little Sally. Harsh laws, too. That’s why Little Sally here’s counting her pennies. Isn’t that so, Little Sally?

Little Sally
I’m very close, Officer. Only a few pennies away.

Lockstock
Aren’t we all, Little Sally. Aren’t we all.

(to audience)
Well, we’ve talked on long enough, I imagine. Enjoy the show. And welcome – to Urinetown (the musical)!

URINETOWN

All
This is Urinetown!
One restroom here at Urinetown!
It’s unisex at Urinetown!
All by design

Lockstock, McQueen, Fipp, Barrell
It’s the oldest story –
Masses are oppressed
Faces, clothes and bladders
All distressed
Rich folks get the good life
Poor folks get the woe
In the end
It’s nothing you don’t know

All
You’re at Urinetown!
Your ticket should say Urinetown!
No refunds, this is Urinetown!
We’ll keep that dough!

IT’S A PRIVILEGE TO PEE

Old Man Strong
Bobby! Bobby, reason with the woman. I’m a little short this morning.

Bobby
He’s my Pa, Ms. Pennywise. Can’t he come in for free? Just this once?

Penny
Get your head out of the clouds, Bobby Strong. No one gets in for free. Every morning you all come here. And every morning some of you got reasons why ya ain’t gonna pay. And I’m here to tell ya ya is gonna pay!

Old Man Strong
In the name of God, Penny, what difference could it make?

Penny
What difference?!

“Times are hard”
“Our cash is tight”
“You’ve got no right”
I’ve heard it all before
“Just this once”
Is once too much
Cause once they’ve onced
They’ll want to once once more

I run the only toilet
In this part of town, you see
So, if you’ve got to go
You’ve got to go through me

It’s a privilege to pee
Water’s worth its weight
In gold these days

No more bathrooms
Like in olden days
You come here and pay a fee
For the privilege to pee

Twenty years we’ve had the drought
And our reservoirs have all dried up
I take my baths now in a coffee cup
I boil what’s left of it for tea
And it’s a privilege to pee

The politicians in their wisdom saw
That there should be a law
The politicians taxed the toilets
And made illegal
Public urination and defecation

So, come and give your coins to me
Write your name here in the record book
The authorities will want to look
If you’ve been regular with me
If you’ve paid the proper fee
For the privilege to pee

Bobby
But Ms. Pennywise –

Penny
I said no buts, Bobby. You’re a sweet lookin’ boy and I likes to keep you around, but this main ain’t comin’ in without payin’. Not this time.

Old Man Strong
I can’t wait much longer, Bobby. There’s no tellin’ what I might do!

Penny
You think you’ve got
Some kind of right?

The Poor
Kind of right, kind of right!

Penny
You think you’ll come in here and go for free?

The Poor
Snag a freebie!

Penny
The only thing you’ll get it “no” for free!

The Poor
Negatory!

Penny
I’m a business gal, you see

The Poor
Business gal you see!

Penny
The good Lord made us
So we’d piss each day
Until we piss away
The good Lord made sure
That what goes in men
Must soon come out again
So you’re no different then
From lowly me

The Poor
Me
Lowly me
Lowly me
Lowly me
Lowly me!

Bobby
But, Ms. Pennywise –

Old Man Strong
That’s enough, Bobby.

Penny
And I think I’ll charge you twice

Old Man Strong
No need to jeopardize your position.

Penny
Or better yet, have you arrested

Old Man Strong
I’m through with all this, you see.

Penny
Since you prefer the law gets tested

Old Man Strong
Scrapin’ cash three times a day

Penny
And in Urinetown you’ll see

Old Man Strong
Crazy with the nitrates half the time

Penny
Why it’s dumb to fight with me

Old Man Strong
It’s no way to live, I tells ya. No way to live.

Penny
For the privilege to pee!

MR. CLADWELL

Cladwell
I saw gray skies, foreboding and cold!
I saw gray skies and made them rain gold!
Now those skies aren’t so bleak to behold!
They’re still gray
But they pay
For your sal’ries tenfold!

I took this town that formerly stank
I took this town and made it smell swank!
I made flushing mean flush at the bank!
I’m the man
With the plan
And so who should you thank?

McQueen
Whom?

Chorus
Mister Cladwell
We’re so thankful
For that bank full of dough!
You’re a toreador
And it’s cash that you gore!
Could we hope for much more?
We really doubt it!

Cladwell
You may be right there!

Chorus
Mister Cladwell
You’ve got riches
Which is just what we need!

We say
Hail to you, the Duke of the ducats!

Cladwell
I can bring in bucks by the buckets!

Chorus
You’re the master
You’re making money!

Cladwell
Faster still than bees making honey!

Chorus
You’re Mister Cladwell!

Hope
Gosh Daddy, I never realized large, monopolizing corporations could be such a force for good in the world.

Cladwell
Few do.

McQueen
All those coins
That we take from the throng
End up here
Where those coins all belong
Lots of coins
Make our company strong!

Cladwell
Charging fees
As we please
Is our right – it’s not wrong!

McQueen
We’re not greedy as some make us seem
We need funds for our big research team

Dr. Billeaux
Men in labcoats and test tubes with steam!

Cladwell and McQueen
What it shows
No one knows
But, hey, still we can dream!

McQueen
Of!

Cladwell
You’re making me blush now!

Chorus
Mister Cladwell
You’re so godly!
Oddly perfect and right!

Men
You are continental, yet
Unpretentious!

Women
Fancy-free, yet so conscientious!

Men
Wise but trendy, tough as a mountain!

Chorus
Goodness flows from you like a fountain!
You’re mister, you’re Mister –

Cladwell
Cladwell!

Chorus
Cladwell!

COP SONG

Lockstock
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my many years of enforcing the laws of this city, it’s that the journey down to Urinetown offers no surprises. Not even from the very toughest amongst us. On that journey expect only the expected.

It’s a hard, cold, tumble of a journey
Worthy of a gurney, a bumble down
A slapped face, smacked with a mace
Certain to debase is our stumble down

It’s a path that leads you only one place
Horrible to retrace, a crumble down
A hard, cold, tumble of a tourney
Jumble of a journey to Urinetown

Lockstock and Barrel
Julie Cassidy
Went to a field behind a tree
Saw there was no one who could see

Lockstock
Her pee –

Barrel

Lockstock and Barrel
And Jacob Rosenblum
Thought he was safe up in his room
Didn’t know the jars he kept up there
Would obligate a trip to Urine-tomb!

Lockstock
There are those who think our
Methods vicious –

Barrel
Overly malicious –

Lockstock
A bunch of brutes, but it’s we who
Gather for the people –

Barrel
Tavern to the steeple –

Lockstock
Lawful fruits!
Our task: bring a little order –

Barrel
Swindle out a hoarder –

Lockstock
From what he loots, as the book says
“Certainly a season” –

Barrel
Trample out a treason –

All
With hobnail boots!
Roger Roosevelt
Kept a cup below his belt
Cup ran over when he knelt

Lockstock
He smelt –

Barrel
We dealt!

All
And Joseph “Old Man” Strong
Held his pee for much too long
Hoped his son might bail him out
His guess was good but also wrong!

Lockstock
Years past all lived in a jungle
Scooping out a bungle, nature’s bowl
Life of constant deprivation
Certain aggravation took its toll

Soon learned power of the truncheon
Organize a function king to pawn
So if peace is what you’re after
Urinetown’s the rafter to hang it on!

Girl Cop 1
Julie Cassidy –

Boy Cop 1
Jacob Rosenbloom –

Boy Cop 2
Roger Roosevelt –

Boy Cop 1
Jacob Rosenbloom –

Girl Cop 1
Julie Cassidy –

Boy Cop 3
Joseph Old Man Strong –

Lockstock and Barrel
Don’t be like them! Don’t be like them!

All
It’s a path that leads you only one place
Horrible to retrace, a crumble down
A hard, cold, tumble of a tourney
Jumble of a journey to Urinetown!

FOLLOW YOUR HEART

Bobby
Did you mean what you said? About everyone having a heart?

Hope
Well, sure I did. Do you think you’d be feeling as bad as you do if you didn’t have a heart?

Bobby
I don’t know. I spupose not.

Hope
Of course you wouldn’t. Because then you’d be dead.

When darkness surrounds you
And you lose your way
You have your own compass
That turns night to day
And it’s even with you
Before you depart
Be still, hear it beating
It’s leading you
Follow your heart

Bobby
Follow my heart? But to where?

Hope
To wherever your heart tells you to go.

Bobby
Even…there?

Hope
Even to the clouds, if that’s what your heart commands. What’s it saying now?

Bobby
I don’t know. I don’t know how to listen to my heart.

Hope
You have to listen carefully. Here, let me try.

Bobby
Do you –

Hope
Ssshhh! Ah, there it is. It’s saying:

We all want a world
Filled with peace and joy
With plenty of water
For each girl and boy
That bright, shining world
Is just waiting to start
No meanness or sorrow
Just cleanness tomorrow
If only you follow your heart

You see there, Bobby. Even your heart knows you should follow your heart.

Bobby
“Peace and joy”, “plenty of water”
I guess I do want those things

Hope
There’s something else your heart was saying. Maybe something I shouldn’t have heard.

Bobby
There was?

Hope
I think so. It was barely audible but I definitely heard something.

Bobby
Well? What was it?

Hope
Let me try again, maybe I can make it out this time.

There is is. So faint…it’s saying:

Follow, into the open air
Far from squalor and noise
Follow, someone is waiting there
Someone who shares all your hopes
And your joys

“Someone is waiting there”? Why, my heart was saying those exact words just the other day.

Bobby
It was?

Hope
Sure it was. “Squalor and Noise”, “Hopes and Joys”. It was telling me about all those things.

Bobby
I didn’t know two hearts could speak as one.

Hope
I didn’t either. Until now. Here, listen.

Bobby
Someday I’ll meet someone
Whose heart joines with mine
Aortas and arteries all intertwined
They’ll beat so much stronger
Than they could apart
Eight chambers of muscle to hustle
The love in our heart

Bobby and Hope
Love is kind and considerate
Love is peaceful and fair
Love can creep up so suddenly
When you least think of it
Your love is there

We all want a world
Filled with peace and with joy
With plenty of justice
For each girl and boy
That bright shining world
Is just waiting to start
No anger or badness
Just laughter and gladness
If only I follow your heart

LOOK AT THE SKY

Penny
You’ve got a sweet lookin’ head, Bobby, a sweet lookin’ head! But you keep it up there in the clouds day after day after day and it’s gotta come down from there. You hear me?! Get that head out of the clouds, Bobby Strong! You get it out of the clouds!

Bobby
Off in the distance
There’s a beautiful horizon –
Gleaming and radiant
It’s what I’ll keep my eyes on –
As the world turns to face the sun
And start another day
It suddenly
Occurs to me
That maybe we can find another way
Look at the sky
Full of hope and promise
It’s a shining ideal
How I reel
When I look at the sky

Daily we make them pay
Their nickles dimes and quarters –
Daily we break them
‘Cause we have to follow orders
And we keep filling moneybags
With broken lives and dreams
But what’s it for?
I can’t ignore
These black immoral
Profit-making schemes

Look at the sky
High above this madness!
Here below feel our shame!
It must stop in the name
Of the sky!

Penny
The fee is the law, Bobby Strong.

Bobby
And what if there was a new law in town, Ms. Pennywise? A new law that didn’t come from any voting process or elected body or process of judicial review, but a brand new law that came from an organ. That’s right, a muscular, blood-pumping organ. Like this one. Right here.

Penny
A muscular organ?

Bobby
Can’t you see it, Ms. Pennywise? Well, if this one’s too small for you why not try this one on for size?!

Penny
It’s…it’s blinding me!

Bobby
Look at the sky!
There’s a great big heart there!
There’s a heart
In the sky
There just is
Don’t ask why –
It’s the sky!

Penny
Don’t do this, Bobby. You’ll regret it.

Bobby
I don’t think so. C’mon, Ma. This one’s on the house. For everyone! Forever!

The Poor
Hooray!

Soupy Sue
Your heart knows all things
Great and true

Tiny Tom
The things mere brains can never know

Josephine
Your heart point to
The great big blue –

The Poor
Where the people’s allgiance must go!

Bobby
Tell me where!

The Poor
We can win
If we try
We begin
When we look at the sky!

Penny
Oh Bobby, what’s to become of you? What’s to become of us all?!

The Poor
It’s a banner so wide
Flying proudly with pride
In the sky

Bobby
In the sky

The Poor
In the sky!

DON’T BE THE BUNNY

Cladwell
A little bunny in the meadow
Is nibbling grass without a care
He’s so delightful as he hops for you
You say, “Hi, bunny”
And he stops for you
You pull your trigger
And he drops for you
Goodbye, bunny-boo
Hello, rabbit stew!

Get me, boys?

Staff
You tell ’em, boss!

Cladwell
Don’t be the bunny
Don’t be the stew
Don’t be the dinner
You have better things to do

That’s why it’s funny
So take your cue
Don’t be the bunny
Don’t be the bunny

Hope
But Daddy, we’re talking about people, not animals.

Cladwell
People are animals, Hope dear.

Hope
Animals with huge incisors and big floppy feet?

Cladwell
Look closely, you’ll see them. I do. I see them…everywhere.

A little bunny at a toll booth
He needs a measly fifty cents
Our little bunny didn’t plan ahead
Poor bunny simply hasn’t got the bread
He begs for mercy, but gets jail instead
Hasenpfeffer’s in the air
As the bunny gets the chair!

See the moral, people?

Staff
Clear as day, boss!

Cladwell
Don’t be the bunny
Don’t be the dope
Don’t be the loser
You’re much better than that, Hope!
You’re born to pow’r
You’re in the money!
Advice to you

McQueen and Fipp
In Re: The Bunny

Cladwell
Don’t be the bunny

Hope
A little bunny at a tollbooth?

Cladwell
You heard me.

Hope
But Daddy, bunnies don’t drive cars.

Cladwell
Oh, don’t they?!

Hope
No, actually, I don’t think they do.

Cladwell
Live long enough, Hope dear, you see…many things.

Hope
Even a daughter doubting her father?

Cladwell
A little bunny in a shoe box
He thinks he’s found a brand new home
So snug and cozy on your closet floor
And then you open up your closet door
Now what’s that bunny in my closet for?
With a mallet and some clippers
You find out: new bunny slippers!

Grasp the message, staff?

Staff
Right behind you, boss!

Cladwell and Staff
Don’t be the bunny
Don’t be the shoe
You don’t get stepped on –

Cladwell
No, the one who steps is you!

Cladwell and Staff
You’re stepping up
To where it’s sunny
Step on the poor!
Don’t be the bunny!
Don’t be the bunny!
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah!

ACT ONE FINALE

Bobby
Free!
People are free!
How can a fee
Enslave us?
See
How we can be
Free from the chains
He gave us!

We’re suffering now
Such lives of sorrow
Don’t give us tomorrow
Just give us today!

The Poor
Free!
People are free!
How can a fee
Enslave us?
See
How we can be
Free from the chains
He gave us!

We’re suffering now
Such lives of sorrow
Don’t give us tomorrow
Just give us today!

Bobby
From ev’ry hill
Ev’ry steeple
Ring out the anthem
Of the people
Making a new way
Breaking the clouds of gray
To sing of today!

Bobby and The Poor
Sing of today!
Sing of today
Sing today
Sing today
Sing today

Cladwell
A little brutality is exactly what these people need. Officer Lockstock!

Hope
Daddy, wait. He only wants the people to be happy.

Cladwell
Happy you say?! Happy?!

So you want happy, Mister Strong?
Did you say happy, Mister Strong?
If they pee today I’m sure they’ll be
As happy as a pup
With no rules and no more fees to pay
Things would be looking up!
But too bad the water that we share
Could fit inside a cup!
What of tomorrow, Mister Strong?

Bobby
But what of today?!

Cladwell
But what of tomorrow, Mister Strong?!
Think of tomorrow, Mister Strong!
Our resources are as fragile
As a newborn baby’s skull
With your actions
You would gut the child
And leave a lifeless hull!
Could it be you’re so short-sighted
So insensitive, so dull?
Think of tomorrow, Mister Strong!

The Poor
But what of today?!

Cladwell and Co.
You are wrong, Mister Strong
You and your socialistic throng
If the people pee for free
They’ll push the system to the brink
If today there’s spillage
Tell us how tomorrow will not stink!

Cladwell
If it’s you and me, now, Mister Strong
Which one of us will blink?
I say it’s you, Mister Strong
For on the subject of tomorrow

Cladwell and Co.
You are wrong!

Hope
Oh, Bobby, why didn’t you tell me you were going to start a revolution?

Bobby
Maybe for the same reason you didn’t tell me you were a Cladwell. So you can join us or you can stand aside.

Hope
Bobby, think!
You’re standing on the brink!
You’ll be arrested soon
Perhaps as soon as noon

And I could never bear
To see you taken where
The guilty pee-ers meet
The toilet judgement seat!

Bobby
You said
To follow your heart
Here’s where my heart leads
Now I’ll do my part
To banish all needs

You made me to see
Fantastic’lly clear
When people pee free
We’ve nothing to fear

Cladwell
You’ve picked a fight you can’t win, today, Mr. Strong! Your rabble is no match for my men.

Little Sally
You can punish our bodies, Mr. Cladwell, but you can never punish our spirits!

Soupy Sue
Punish our bodies?!

Little Becky Two Shoes
I never agreed to any punishment of my body!

Cladwell
Oh, punishment is all you’ll ever know!

Hope
So what’ll it be, Bobby?

Bobby
Looks like we’re in a real bad spot, doesn’t it. I suppose we should leave.

Hope
Oh, Bobby, they’ll never let you leave now.

Bobby
Not without you they won’t. Which is why you’re coming with us.

Hope
But how can I come with you and not fight against my father, unless…unless…oh dear God, Bobby, no!

Bobby
Keep your men back, Cladwell! We’ve got your daughter and we’re not letting her go!

Lockstock
Boss, what do we do?!

Cladwell
Seize them!

Penny
No!

Cladwell
Don’t let them get away!

Hope
Help me!

Penny
Help her!

Bobby
Now run, run everybody! Run for your lives! Run!

All
Urinetown!