(Light comes up on MRS. LOVETT ‘s pie-shop and the apartment above, which now is sparsely furnished with a wash-stand and a long wooden chest. At the foot of the outside staircase is a brand-new barber’s pole. Attached to the first banister of the staircase is an iron bell. TODD is pacing in the apartment above. MRS. LOVETT comes hurrying out of the shop, carrying a wooden chair. As she does so, the beggar woman shuffles up to her)
BEGGAR WOMAN (Sings):
Alms . . . alms . . .
MRS. LOVETT (Imitating her nastily, sings):
Alms . . . alms . . .
(Music continues)
How many times have I told you? I’ll not have trash from the gutter hanging around my establishment!
BEGGAR WOMAN: Not just a penny, dear? Or a pie? One of them pies that give the stomach cramps to half the neighborhood? (A cackling laugh) Come on, dear. Have a heart, dear.
MRS. LOVETT: Off. Off with you or you’ll get a kick on the rump that’ll make your teeth chatter!
BEGGAR WOMAN: Stuck up thing! You and your fancy airs! (Shuffling off into the wings, sings)
Alms … alms …
For a desperate woman …
(Exits. Music continues. MRS. LOVETT rings the bell to indicate her approach and starts climbing the stairs. At the sound of the bell, TODD alerts and snatches up a razor. The music becomes agitated. As MRS. LOVETT appears, he relaxes somewhat. MRS. LOVETT is now very proprietary towards him)
MRS. LOVETT: It’s not much of a chair, but it’ll do till you get your fancy new one. It was me poor Albert’s chair, it was. Sat in it all day long he did, after his leg give out from the dropsy. (Surveying the room, music under) Kinda bare, isn’t it? I never did like a bare room. Oh, well, we’ll find some nice little knickknacks.
TODD: Why doesn’t the beadle come? “Before the week is out,” that’s what he said.
MRS. LOVETT: And who says the week’s out yet? It’s only Tuesday. (As TODD paces restlessly, sings)
Easy now.
Hush, love, hush.
Don’t distress yourself,
What’s your rush?
Keep your thoughts
Nice and lush.
Wait.
(TODD continues to pace)
Hush, love, hush.
Think it through.
Once it bubbles,
Then what’s to do?
Watch it close.
Let it brew.
Wait.
(Looking round, cheerfully, as tow grows calmer)
I’ve been thinking, flowers —
Maybe daisies —
To brighten up the room.
Don’t you think some flowers,
Pretty daisies,
Might relieve the gloom?
(As TODD doesn ‘t respond)
Ah, wait, love, wait.
(Music continues under)
TODD (Intensely): And the JUDGE? When will I get him?
MRS. LOVETT: Can’t you think of nothing else? Always broodin’ away on yer wrongs what happened heaven knows how many years ago — (TODD turns away violently with a hiss)
Slow, love, slow.
Time’s so fast.
Now goes quickly —
See, now it’s past!
Soon will come.
Soon will last.
Wait.
(TODD grows calm again)
Don’t you know,
Silly man,
Half the fun is to
Plan the plan?
All good things come to
Those who can
Wait.
(Looking around the room again)
Gillyflowers, maybe,
‘Stead of daisies . ..
I don’t know, though . . .
What do you think?
TODD (Docilely): Yes.
MRS. LOVETT (Gently taking the razor from him): Gillyflowers, I’d say. Nothing like a nice bowl of gillies.
(Music stops. During the above, we have seen ANTHONY moving down the street. He sees the sign and stops. He goes to the bell and rings it, then starts running up the stairs. The effect on TODD is electric. Even MRS. LOVETT, affected by his tension, alerts. She hastily gives him back the razor. ANTHONY bursts in enthusiastically)
TODD: ANTHONY.
ANTHONY. Mr. TODD. I’ve paced Fleet Street a dozen times with no success. But now the sign! In business already.
TODD: Yes.
ANTHONY: I congratulate you. (Turning to MRS. LOVETT)
And… er…
MRS. LOVETT: Mrs. Lovett, sir.
ANTHONY. A pleasure, ma’am. Oh, Mr. Todd, I have so much to tell you. I have found the fairest and most loving maid that any man could dream of! And yet there are problems. She has a guardian so tyrannical that she is kept shut up from human eye. But now this morning this key fell from her shuttered window.
(He holds up JOHANNA ‘s key) The surest sign that Johanna loves me and . . .
MRS. LOVETT: Johanna?
ANTHONY: That’s her name, ma’am, and Turpin that of the abominable parent. A JUDGE, it seems. But, as I said, a monstrous tyrant. Oh Mr. TODD, once the JUDGE has gone to court, I’ll slip into the house and plead with her to fly with me tonight. Yet when I have her — where can I bring her till I have hired a coach to speed us home to Plymouth? Oh Mr. TODD, if I could lodge her here just for an hour or two! (He gazes at the inscrutable tow)
MRS. LOVETT (After a beat): Bring her, dear.
ANTHONY. Oh thank you, thank you, ma’am. (To TODD) I have your consent, Mr. Todd?
TODD (After a pause): The girl may come.
(ANTHONY grabs his hand and pumps it, then turns to grab MRS. LOVETT ‘s)
ANTHONY: I shall be grateful for this to the grave. Now I must hurry, for surely the JUDGE is off to the Old Bailey. (Turning at the door) My thanks! A thousand blessings on you both! (He hurries out and down the stairs)
MRS. LOVETT: Johanna! Who’d have thought it! It’s like Fate, isn’t it? You’ll have her back before the day is out.
TODD: For a few hours? Before he carries her off to the other end of England?
MRS. LOVETT: Oh, that sailor! Let him bring her here and then, since you’re so hot for a little .. . (Makes a throat-cutting gesture) . . . that’s the throat to slit, dear. Oh Mr. T, we’ll make a lovely home for her. You and me. The poor thing! All those years and not a scrap of motherly affection! I’ll soon change that, I will, for if ever there was a maternal heart, it’s mine. (During this speech Pirelli, accompanied by TOBIAS, has appeared on the street. They see the sign and start up the stairs without ringing the bell. Now, as MRS. LOVETT goes to TODD coquettishly, Pirelli and TOBIAS suddenly appear at the door. TODD pulls violently away from MRS. LOVETT)
PIRELLI (With Italianate bow): Good morning, Mr. TODD — and to you, bellissima signorina. (He kisses MRS. LOVETT ‘s hand)
MRS. LOVETT: Well, ‘ow do you do, signer, I’m sure.
PIRELLI: A little business with Mr. TODD, signora. Perhaps if you will give the permission?
MRS. LOVETT: Oh yes, indeed, I’ll just pop on down to my pies. (Surveying TOBIAS) Oh lawks, look at it now! Don’t look like it’s had a kind word since half past never! (Smiling at him) What would you say, son, to a nice juicy meat pie, eh? Your teeth is strong, I hope?
TOBIAS: Oh yes, ma’am.
MRS. LOVETT (Taking his hand): Then come with me, love. (They start down the stairs to the shop)
PIRELLI: Mr. Todd.
TODD: Signor Pirelli.
PIRELLI (Reverting to Irish): Ow, call me Danny, Daniel O’Higgins’ the name when it’s not perfessional. (Looks around the shop) Not much, but I imagine you’ll pretty it up a bit. (Holds out his hand) I’d like me five quid back, ifn ya don’t mind.
TODD: Why?
(In the shop, MRS. LOVETT pats a stool for TOBIAS to sit down and hands him a piece of pie. He starts to eat greedily)
MRS. LOVETT: That’s my boy. Tuck in.
PIRELLI: It’ll hold me over till your customers start coming. Then it’s half your profits you’ll hand over to me every week on a Friday, share and share alike. All right . . . Mr. Benjamin Barker?
TODD (Very quiet): Why do you call me that?
MRS. LOVETT (Stroking TOBIAS ‘s luxurious locks): At least you’ve got a nice full head of hair on you.
TODD: Well, ma’am, to tell the truth, ma’am — (He reaches up and pulls off the “locks” which are a wig, revealing his own short-cropped hair) — gets awful ‘ot. (He continues to eat the pie. PIRELLI strolls over to the washstand, picks up the razor, flicks it open)
PIRELLI: You don’t remember me. Why should you? I was just a down and out Irish lad you hired for a couple of weeks — sweeping up hair and such like — (Holding up razor) but I remember these — and you. Benjamin Barker, later transported to Botany Bay for life. So, Mr. TODD — is it a deal or do I run down the street for me pal beadle Bamford? (For a long moment TODD stands gazing at him)
PIRELLI (Sings, nastily):
You t’ink-a you smart,
You foolish-a boy.
Tomorrow you start
In my-a employ!
You unner-a-stan’?
You like-a my plan — ?
(Once again he hits his high note, and once again he is interrupted —TODD knocks the razor out of his hand and starts, in a protracted struggle, to strangle him) TOBIAS (Downstairs, unaware of this): Oh gawd, he’s got an appointment with his tailor. If he’s late and it’s my fault — you don’t know him! (He jumps up and starts out)
MRS. LOVETT: I wouldn’t want to, I’m sure, dear. (TODD violently continues with the strangling)
TOBIAS (Calling on the stairs): Signer! It’s late! The tailor, sir. (Remembering) Oh, me wig! (Runs back for it. Upstairs, TODD stops dead at the sound of the voice. He looks around wildly, sees the chest, runs to it, opens the lid and then drags Pirelli to it and tumbles him in, slamming the lid shut just as TOBIAS enters. It is at this moment that we realize that one of PIRELLI ‘s hands is dangling out of the chest) Signor, I did like you said. I reminded you . . . the tailor . .. Ow, he ain’t here.
TODD: Signor PIRELLI has been called away.
TOBIAS: Where did he go?
TODD: He didn’t say. You’d better run after him.
TOBIAS: Oh no, sir. Knowing him, sir, without orders to the contrary, I’d best wait for him here. (He crosses to the chest and sits down on it, perilously near PIRELLI ‘s hand, which he doesn’t notice. TODD at this moment does, however. Suddenly he is all nervous smiles)
TODD: So MRS. LOVETT gave you a pie, did she, my lad?
TOBIAS: Oh yes, sir. She’s a real kind lady. One whole pie. (As he speaks, his hand moves very close to PIRELLI ‘s hand)
TODD (Moving toward him): A whole pie, eh? That’s a treat. And yet, if I know a growing boy, there’s still room for more,eh?
TOBIAS: I’d say, sir. (Patting his stomach) An aching void.
(Once again his hand is on the edge of the chest, moving toward PIRELLI ‘s hand. Slowly now, we see the fingers of PIRELLI ‘s hand stirring, feebly trying to clutch TOBIAS ‘s hand. When it has almost reached him, TODD grabs TOBIAS up off the chest)
TODD: Then why don’t you run downstairs and wait for your master there? There’ll be another pie in it for you, I’m sure. (Afterthought) And tell MRS. LOVETT to give you a nice big tot of gin.
TOBIAS: Oo, sir! Gin, sir! Thanking you, sir, thanking you kindly. Gin! You’re a Christian indeed, sir! (He runs down the stairs to MRS. LOVETT) Oh, ma’am, the gentleman says to give me a nice tot of gin, ma’am.
MRS. LOVETT: Gin, dear? Why not? (Upstairs, with great ferocity, TODD opens the chest, grabs the screaming PIRELLI by the hair, tugs him up from the chest and slashes his throat as, downstairs, MRS. LOVETT pours a glass of gin and hands it to TOBIAS. He takes it. The tableau freezes, then fades)
THREE TENORS (Enter and sing):
His hands were quick, his fingers strong.
It stung a little but not for long.
And those who thought him a simple clod
Were soon reconsidering under the sod,
Consigned there with a friendly prod
From Sweeney TODD,
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.
See your razor gleam, Sweeney,
Feel how well it fits
As it floats across the throats
Of hypocrites . ..
(The ballad ends on a crashing chord as the singers black out and light comes up on JUDGE TURPIN in full panoply of wig, robe, etc. He is about to convict a young boy)
JUDGE: This is the fourth time, sir, that you have been brought before this bench. Though it is my earnest wish ever to temper justice with mercy, your persistent dedication to a life of crime is such an abomination before God and man that I have no alternative but to sentence you to hang by the neck until you are dead. (He produces the black cap and puts it on his head. As he does so the condemned prisoner is led away) Court adjourned. (During the following, JUDGE removes cap, wig, and gown. To the BEADLE) It is perhaps remiss of me to close the court so early, but the stench of those miserable wretches at the bar was so offensive to my nostrils I feared my eagerness for fresher air might well impair the soundness of my judgment. (Light dims on the court and finds the JUDGE. and the beadle now walking down a street together)
BEADLE: Well, sir, the adjournment is fortunate for me, sir, for it’s today we celebrate my sweet little Annie’s birthday, and to have her daddy back so soon to hug and kiss her will be her crowning joy on such a happy day.
JUDGE: It is a happy moment for me, too. Walk home with me for I have news for you. In order to shield her from the evils of this world, I have decided to marry Johanna next Monday.
BEADLE: Ah, sir, happy news indeed.
JUDGE: Strange, when I offered myself to her, she showed a certain reluctance. But that’s natural enough in a young girl. Now that she has had time for reflection, I’m sure she will greet my proposal in a more sensible frame of mind.{Light leaves them and comes up on JOHANNA and ANTHONY in JOHANNA ‘s room. She is pacing in agitation and fear)
JOHANNA (Sings):
He means to marry me Monday,
What shall I do? I’d rather die.
ANTHONY (Sings):
I have a plan —
JOHANNA:
I’ll swallow poison on Sunday,
That’s what I’ll do, I’ll get some lye.
ANTHONY:
I have a plan —
JOHANNA (Stops pacing suddenly):
Oh, dear, was that a noise?
ANTHONY:
A plan—
JOHANNA:
I think I heard a noise.
ANTHONY;
A plan!
JOHANNA:
It couldn’t be,
He’s in court,
He’s in court today,
Still that was a noise,
Wasn’t that a noise?
You must have heard that —
ANTHONY:
Kiss me.
JOHANNA (Shyly):
Oh, sir…
ANTHONY:
Ah, miss …
JOHANNA:
Oh, sir …
(She turns away, agitatedly)
If he should marry me Monday,
What shall I do? I’ll die of grief.
ANTHONY:
We fly tonight —
JOHANNA:
‘Tis Friday, virtually Sunday,
What can we do with time so brief?
ANTHONY:
We fly tonight —
JOHANNA:
Behind the curtain — quick!
ANTHONY:
Tonight —
JOHANNA:
I think I heard a click!
ANTHONY:
Tonight!
JOHANNA:
It was agate!
It’s the gate!
We don’t have a gate.
Still there was a — Wait!
There’s another click!
You must have heard that —
ANTHONY:
It’s not a gate.
There’s no gate,
You don’t have a gate.
If you’d only listen, miss, and
ANTHONY;
Kiss me!
JOHANNA:
Tonight?
ANTHONY:
Kiss me.
JOHANNA:
You mean tonight?
ANTHONY:
The plan is made.
JOHANNA:
Oh, sir!
ANTHONY;
So kiss me.
JOHANNA:
I feel a fright.
ANTHONY:
Be not afraid.
JOHANNA:
Sir, I did
Love you even as I
Saw you, even as it
Did not matter that I
Did not know your name.
ANTHONY:
Tonight I’ll
Steal
You,
JOHANNA,
I’ll steal you …
ANTHONY:
It’s me you’ll marry on Monday,
That’s what you’ll do!
JOHANNA:
And gladly, sir.
ANTHONY:
St. Dunstan’s, noon.
JOHANNA:
I knew I’d be with you one day,
Even not knowing who you were.
I feared you’d never come,
That you’d been called away,
That you’d been killed,
Had the plague,
Were in debtor’s jail,
Trampled by a horse,
Gone to sea again,
Arrested by the —
JOHANNA:
Kiss me!
ANTHONY:
Of course.
JOHANNA:
Quickly!
ANTHONY:
Ah, miss,
Marry me, marry me, miss,
Oh, marry me Monday!
Favor me, favor me
With your hand.
Promise,
Marry me, marry me, please,
Oh, marry me Monday —
ANTHONY:
You’re sure?
JOHANNA:
Kiss me!
ANTHONY (Taking her in his arms):
I shall!
JOHANNA:
Kiss me!
Oh, sir …
(Lights dim on them but remain; light rises on the JUDGE and the BEADLE, still walking together. Music continues under)
JUDGE (Strolling with BEADLE): Yes, yes, but surely the respect that she owes me as her guardian should be sufficient to kindle a more tender emotion.
BEADLE (Sings):
Excuse me, my lord.
May I request, my lord,
Permission, my lord, to speak?
Forgive me if I suggest, my lord,
You’re looking less than your best, my lord,
There’s powder upon your vest, my lord,
And stubble upon your cheek.
And ladies, my lord, are weak.
(Music continues)
JUDGE: Perhaps if she greets me cordially upon my return, I should give her a small gift. ..
BEADLE (Winces delicately):
Ladies in their sensitivities, my lord,
Have a fragile sensibility.
When a girl’s emergent,
Probably it’s urgent
You defer to her gent-
ility, my lord.
Personal disorder cannot be ignored,
Given their genteel proclivities.
Meaning no offense, it
Happens they resents it,
Ladies in their sensit-
ivities, my lord.
JUDGE (Feeling his chin): Stubble, you say? Perhaps at times I am a little overhasty with my morning ablutions .. .
BEADLE:
Fret not though, my lord,
I know a place, my lord,
A barber, my lord, of skill.
Thus armed with a shaven face, my lord,
Some eau de cologne to grace my lord
And musk to enhance the chase, my lord,
You’ll dazzle the girl until
She bows to your every will.
JUDGE: That may well be so.
(They have reached the JUDGE ‘s house)
BEADLE: Well, here we are, sir. I bid you good day.
JUDGE: Good day.
(He muses, turns)
And where is this miraculous barber?
BEADLE: In Fleet Street, sir.
JUDGE: Perhaps you may be right. Take me to him.
(They start off. Light up on JOHANNA ‘s room. JOHANNA and ANTHONY get up from a couch)
BEADLE (Sings):
The name is TODD …
JUDGE:
Todd,eh?
ANTHONY:
We’d best not wait until Monday
JOHANNA:
Sir, I concur,
And fully, too.
BEADLE:
Sweeney TODD.
ANTHONY:
It isn’t right.
We’d best be married on Sunday.
JOHANNA:
Saturday, sir,
Would also do.
ANTHONY:
Or else tonight.
(The JUDGE and the BEADLE move past the house)
JOHANNA:
I think I heard a noise.
ANTHONY:
Fear not.
JOHANNA:
I mean another noise!
ANTHONY:
Like what?
JOHANNA:
Oh, never mind,
Just a noise
Just another noise,
Something in the street,
I’m a silly little
Ninnynoddle —
ANTHONY:
You mustn’t mind,
It’s a noise,
Just another noise,
Something in the street,
You silly —
BOTH (Falling into each other’s arms):
Kiss me!
JOHANNA:
Oh, sir…
ANTHONY:
We’ll go to Paris on Monday.
JOHANNA:
What shall I wear?
I daren’t pack!
ANTHONY:
We’ll ride a train …
JOHANNA:
With you beside me on Sunday,
What will I care
What things I lack?
ANTHONY:
Then sail to Spain …
JOHANNA:
I’ll take my reticule.
I need my reticule.
You mustn’t think
Me a fool
But my reticule
Never leaves my side,
It’s the only thing
My mother gave me —
Kiss me!
Kiss me!
We’ll go there,
Kiss me!
We have a place where we can
ANTHONY:
Why take your reticule?
We’ll buy a reticule.
I’d never think
You a fool,
But a reticule —
Leave it all aside
And begin again and
Kiss me!
I know a place where we can go
Tonight.
Kiss me!
We have a place where we can
Go…Go tonight.
BEADLE {Simultaneously with the above):
The name is Todd.
JUDGE:
Todd?
BEADLE:
Todd. Sweeney Todd.
JUDGE:
Todd …
BEADLE:
Todd.
ANTHONY:
I loved you
Even as I saw you,
Even as it did not
Matter that I did
Not know your name
Johanna,
Johanna,
Johanna…
JOHANNA:
I loved you
Even as I saw you,
Even as it does not
Matter that I still
Don’t know your name, sir,
Even as I saw you,
Even as it does not
Matter that I still
Don’t know your name . ..
BEADLE (Simultaneously with above):
Todd . . . Sweeney Todd.
JUDGE and BEADLE:
Sweeney Todd.
ANTHONY: Anthony . . .
JUDGE: Todd . . .
BEADLE: TODD.
JOHANNA: ANTHONY . . .
JUDGE: TODD, eh?
JOHANNA: ANTHONY:
I’ll marry ANTHONY Sunday, You marry ANTHONY Sunday,
That’s what I’ll do. That’s what you’ll do,
No matter what! No matter what!
I knew you’d come for me I knew I’d come for you
one day, one day
Only afraid that you’d forgot. Only afraid that you’d forgot.
BEADLE (Simultaneously with above):
Ladies in their sensitivities, my lord …
JUDGE:
Pray lead the way.
BEADLE:
Have a fragile sensibility …
JUDGE:
Just as you say.
JOHANNA:
I feared you’d never come,
That you’d been called away,
That you’d been killed,
Had the plague,
Were in debtor’s jail,
Trampled by a horse,
Gone to sea again,
Arrested by the …
ANTHONY:
Marry me, marry me, miss,
You’ll marry me Sunday.
Favor me, favor me
With your hand.
Promise,
Marry me, marry me,
That you’ll marry me —
Enough of all this …
(He crushes her to him; they kiss)
BEADLE (Simultaneously with above):
When a girl’s emergent,
Probably it’s urgent. ..
Ladies in their sensitivities .. .
JUDGE:
Todd …
JOHANNA (As she sinks to the floor with ANTHONY) :
Oh, sir …
ANTHONY:
Ah, miss . . .
JOHANNA:
Oh, sir…
Oh, sir …
Oh, sir …
Oh, sir …
Oh, sir …
Oh, sir …
ANTHONY:
Ah, miss …
Ah, miss . . .
Ah, miss …
Ah, miss …
Ah, miss . . .
(Light leaves them, comes up on the pie-shop-tonsorial parlor. Upstairs, TODD is silently cleaning his razor. In the shop, MRS. LOVETT and TOBIAS unfreeze from the position in which they were last seen)
MRS. LOVETT: Maybe you should run along, dear.
TOBIAS: Oh no, ma’am, I daren’t budge till he calls for me.
MRS. LOVETT: I’ll pop up and see what Mr. TODD says. (Humming, MRS. LOVETT starts climbing the stairs. As she enters the parlor) Ah me, my poor knees is not what they was, dear. (She sits down on the chest) How long before the Eyetalian gets back?
TODD (Still impassively cleaning the razor): He won’t be back.
MRS. LOVETT (Instantly suspicious): Now, Mr. T., you didn’t! (TODD nods toward the chest. Realizing, MRS. LOVETT jumps up. For a moment she stands looking at the chest, then, gingerly, she lifts the lid. She gazes down, then spins to Todd) You’re crazy mad! Killing a man wot done you no harm? And the boy downstairs?
TODD: He recognized me from the old days. He tried to blackmail me, half my earnings forever.
MRS. LOVETT: Oh well, that’s a different matter! What a relief, dear! For a moment I thought you’d lost your marbles. (Turns to peer down again into the chest) Ooh! All that blood! Enough to make you come all over gooseflesh, ain’t it. Poor bugger. Oh, well! (She starts to close the lid, sees something, bends to pick it up. It is Pirelli ‘s purse. She looks in it) Three quid! Well, waste not, want not, as I always say. (She takes out the money and puts it down her bosom. She is about to throw the purse away when something about it attracts her. She slips it too down her dress. She shuts the chest lid and, quite composed again, sits down on it) Now, dear, we got to use the old noggin. (As she sits deep in thought, we see the JUDGE and BEADLE coming up the street)
BEADLE (Pointing): There you are, sir. Above the pie-shop, sir.
JUDGE: I see. You may leave me now.
BEADLE: Thank you, sir. Thank you. (He starts off as (adJUDGE approaches the parlor)
MRS. LOVETT (Coming out of her pondering): Well, first there’s the lad.
TODD: Send him up here.
MRS. LOVETT: Him, too! Now surely one’s enough for today, dear. Shouldn’t indulge yourself, you know. Now let me see, he’s half seas over already with the gin . . (As she speaks, downstairs the JUDGE clangs the bell. TODD runs to the landing and peers down the stairs. The BEADLE is still visible, exiting)
TODD: Providence is kind!
MRS. LOVETT: Who is it?
TODD: Judge Turpin.
MRS. LOVETT {Flustered): Him, him? The Judge? It can’t be! It—
TODD: Quick, leave me!
MRS. LOVETT: What are you going to do?
TODD (Roaring): Leave me, I said!
MRS. LOVETT: Don’t worry, dear. I’m — out! (She scuttles out of the tonsorial parlor and starts down the stairs as the JUDGE ascends. They meet halfway. She gives him a deep curtsy) Excuse me, your Lordship. (She hurries back to TOBIAS in the shop)
JUDGE: Mr. TODD?
TODD: At your service, sir. An honor to receive your patronage, sir.
MRS. LOVETT (To TOBIAS) : Now, dear, seems like your guvnor has gone and left you high and dry. But don’t worry. Your Aunt Nellie will think of what to do with you. (Picks up the bottle of gin and pours some more into his glass. Still holding the bottle, she leads him toward the curtains) Come on into my lovely back parlor. (They disappear through the curtain)
JUDGE (Looking around): These premises are hardly prepossessing and yet the BEADLE tells me you are the most accomplished of all the barbers in the city.
TODD: That is gracious of him, sir. And you must please excuse the modesty of my establishment. It’s only a few days ago that I set up quarters here and some necessaries are yet to come. (Indicating chair)Sit, sir, if you please, sir. Sit. (The JUDGE settles into the chair; music under as Mrs. Lovett, still holding the gin bottle, enters her back parlor with TOBIAS)
MRS. LOVETT: See how nice and cozy it is? Sit down, dear, sit. (She starts to pour him more gin) Oh, it’s empty. Now you just sit there, dear, like a good quiet boy while I get a new bottle from the larder. (She leaves him alone)
TODD: And what may I do for you, sir? A stylish trimming of the hair? A soothing skin massage?
JUDGE (Sings):
You see, sir, a man infatuate with love,
Her ardent and eager slave.
So fetch the pomade and pumice stone
And lend me a more seductive tone,
A sprinkling perhaps of French cologne,
But first, sir, I think — a shave.
TODD: The closest I ever gave.
(He whips the sheet over the JUDGE, then tucks the bib in. The JUDGE hums, flicking imaginary dust off the sheet; TODD whistles gaily)
JUDGE: You are in a merry mood today, Mr. TODD.
TODD (Sings, mixing lather):
‘Tis your delight, sir, catching fire
From one man to the next.
JUDGE:
‘Tis true, sir, love can still inspire
The blood to pound, the heart leap higher.
BOTH:
What more, what more can man require —
JUDGE:
Than love, sir?
TODD:
More than love, sir.
JUDGE:
What, sir?
TODD:
Women.
JUDGE:
Ah yes, women.
TODD:
Pretty women.
(The JUDGE hums jauntily; TODD whistles and starts stropping his razor rhythmically. He then lathers the JUDGE’s face. Still whistling, he stands back to survey the JUDGE, who is now totally relaxed, eyes closed. He picks up the razor and sings to it)
Now then, my friend.
Now to your purpose.
Patience, enjoy it.
Revenge can’t be taken in haste.
JUDGE (Opens his eyes):
Make haste, and if we wed,
You’ll be commended, sir.
TODD (bows):
My lord . . .
(Goes to him)
And who, may it be said,
Is your intended, sir?
JUDGE:
My ward.
(TODD freezes; the JUDGE closes his eyes, settles comfortably, speaks)
And pretty as a rosebud.
TODD {Music rising): As pretty as her mother?
JUDGE (Mildly puzzled): What? What was that?
(As the music reaches a shrill crescendo, TODD is slowly bringing the razor toward the JUDGE ‘s throat when suddenly the JUDGE opens his eyes and starts to twist around in curiosity)
TODD (Musingly, lightly): Oh, nothing, sir. Nothing. May we proceed? (Starts to shave the JUDGE, sings)
Pretty women . . .
Fascinating. ..
Sipping coffee,
Dancing.. .
Pretty women
Are a wonder.
Pretty women.
Sitting in the window or
Standing on the stair,
Something in them
Cheers the air.
Pretty women . . .
JUDGE:
Silhouetted…
TODD:
Stay within you .. .
JUDGE:
Glancing…
TODD:
Stay forever .. .
JUDGE:
Breathing lightly . . .
TODD:
Pretty women …
both:
Pretty women!
Blowing out their candles or
Combing out their hair …
JUDGE:
Then they leave …
Even when they leave you
And vanish, they somehow
Can still remain
There with you,
There with you.
BOTH:
Ah,
Pretty women …
TODD:
At their mirrors . ..
JUDGE:
In their gardens . . .
TODD:
Letter-writing . . .
JUDGE:
Flower-picking . . .
TODD:
Weather-watching. . .
BOTH:
How they make a man sing!
TODD:
Even when they leave,
They still
Are
There.
They’re there.
Proof of heaven
As you’re living —
Pretty women, sir!
JUDGE:
TODD:
Pretty women, here’s to
Pretty women, all the
Pretty women …
Pretty women, yes!
Pretty women, sir!
Pretty women!
Pretty women, sir!
(TODD raises his arm in a huge arc and is about to slice the razor across (adJUDGE ‘s throat when ANTHONY bursts in)
ANTHONY (Singing):
She says she’ll marry me Sunday,
Everything’s set, we leave tonight — !
JUDGE (Jumping up, spilling the basin and knocking the razor from TODD’s hand): You!
ANTHONY: Judge Turpin!
JUDGE: There is indeed a Higher Power to warn me thus in time. (As ANTHONY retreats, he jumps on him and grabs him by the arm) Johanna elope with you? Deceiving slut — I’ll lock her up in some obscure retreat where neither you nor any other vile, corrupting youth shall ever lay eyes on her again.
ANTHONY (Shaking himself free): But, sir, I beg of you —
JUDGE (To TODD) : And as for you, barber, it is all too clear what company you keep. Service them well and hold their custom — for you’ll have none of mine. (He strides out and down the stairs)
ANTHONY: Mr. TODD!
TODD (Shouting): Out! Out, I say! (Bewildered, ANTHONY leaves. Music begins under, very agitated. TODD stands motionless, in shock. As the JUDGE hurries off down the street, MRS. LOVETT, with a new bottle of gin in her hand, sees him. She glances after him, then goes into the back parlor where TOBIAS is now asleep. She looks at him, puts down the bottle and hurries out and up the stairs to TODD)
MRS. LOVETT: All this running and shouting. What is it now, dear?
TODD: I had him — and then …
MRS. LOVETT: The sailor busted in. I saw them both running down the street and I said to myself: “The fat’s in the fire, for sure!”
TODD (Interrupting, sings):
I had him!
His throat was bare
Beneath my hand — !
MRS. LOVETT (Alarmed, pacifying): There, there, dear. Don’t fret.
TODD:
No, I had him!
His throat was there,
And he’ll never come again!
MRS. LOVETT:
Easy now.
Hush, love, hush.
I keep telling you —
TODD (Violently):
When?
MRS. LOVETT:
What’s your rush?
TODD:
Why did I wait?
You told me to wait!
Now he’ll never come again!
(Music becomes ferocious. TODD’s insanity, always close to the surface, explodes finally)
There’s a hole in the world
Like a great black pit
And it’s filled with people
Who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world
Inhabit it —
But not for long!
They all deserve to die!
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett,
Tell you why:
Because in all of the whole human race, Mrs. Lovett,
There are two kinds of men and only two.
There’s the one staying put
In his proper place
And the one with his foot
In the other one’s face —
Look at me, Mrs. Lovett,
Look at you!
No, we all deserve to die!
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett,
Tell you why:
Because the lives of the wicked should be —
(Slashes at the air)
Made brief.
For the rest of us, death
Will be a relief—
We all deserve to die!
(Keening)
And I’ll never see Johanna,
No, I’ll never hug my girl to me —
Finished!
(Turns on the audience)
All right! You, sir,
How about a shave?
(Slashes twice)
Come and visit
Your good friend Sweeney — !
You, sir, too, sir —
Welcome to the grave!
I will have vengeance,
I will have salvation!
Who, sir? You, sir?
No one’s in the chair —
Come on, come on,
Sweeney’s waiting!
I want you bleeders!
You, sir — anybody!
Gentlemen, now don’t be shy!
Not one man, no,
Nor ten men,
Nor a hundred
Can assuage me —
I will have you!
( To MRS. LOVETT)
And I will get him back
Even as he gloats.
In the meantime I’ll practice
On less honorable throats.
(Keening again)
And my Lucy lies in ashes
And I’ll never see my girl again,
But the work waits,
I’m alive at last
(Exalted)
And I’m full of joy!
(He drops down into the barber’s chair in a sweat, panting)
MRS. LOVETT (Who has been watching him intently): That’s all very well, but all that matters now is him! (She points to the chest. TODD still sits motionless. She goes to him, peers at him) Listen! Do you hear me? Can you hear me? Get control of yourself. (She slaps his cheek. After a long pause, TODD, still in a
half-dream, gets to his feet) What are we going to do about him? And there’s the lad downstairs. We’d better go and have a look and be sure he’s still there. When I left him he was sound asleep in the parlor. (She starts downstairs)
Come on! (TODD follows. She disappears into the back parlor and re-emerges) No problem there. He’s still sleeping. He’s simple as a baby lamb. Later I can fob him off with some story easy. But him! (Indicating the tonsorial parlor above)
What are we going to do with him?
TODD (Disinterestedly): Later on, when it’s dark, we’ll take him to some secret place and bury him.
MRS. LOVETT: Well, of course, we could do that. I don’t suppose there’s any relatives going to come poking around looking for him. But.. . (Pause. Chord)
You know me. Sometimes ideas just pop into me head and I keep thinking . ..
(Sings)
Seems a downright shame . . .
TODD: Shame?
MRS. LOVETT:
Seems an awful waste .. .
Such a nice plump frame
Wot’s-his-name
Has…
Had . ..
Has…
Nor it can’t be traced.
Business needs a lift —
Debts to be erased —
Think of it as thrift,
As a gift…
If you get my drift.. .
(TODD stares into space)
No?
(She sighs)
Seems an awful waste.
I mean,
With the price of meat what it is,
When you get it,
If you get it—
TODD (Becoming aware, chuckling): Ah!
MRS. LOVETT:
Good, you got it.
(Warming to it)
Take, for instance,
Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop.
Business never better, using only
Pussycats and toast.
And a pussy’s good for maybe six or
Seven at the most.
And I’m sure they can’t compare
As far as taste —
TODD:
MRS. LOVETT,
What a charming notion,
Eminently practical and yet
Appropriate, as always.
Mrs. Lovett
How I’ve lived without you
All these years I’ll never know!
How delectable!
Also undetectable.
How choice!
How rare!
MRS. LOVETT:
Well, it does seem a
Waste …
It’s an idea …
Think about it…
Lots of other gentlemen’ll
Soon be coming for a shave
Won’t they?
Think of
All them
Pies!
TODD:
For what’s the sound of the world out there?
MRS. LOVETT:
What, Mr. Todd,
What, Mr. Todd,
What is that sound?
TODD:
Those crunching noises pervading the air?
MRS. LOVETT:
Yes, Mr. Todd,
Yes, Mr. Todd,
Yes, all around —
TODD:
It’s man devouring man, my dear,
And who are we
To deny it in here?
MRS. LOVETT:
Then who are we
To deny it in here?
TODD: These are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for.
(She goes to the counter and comes back with an imaginary pie)
MRS. LOVETT: Here we are, hot from the oven.(She holds it out to him)
TODD:
What is that?
MRS. LOVETT:
It’s priest.
Have a little priest.
TODD:
Is it really good?
MRS. LOVETT:
Sir, it’s too good,
At least.
Then again, they don’t commit sins of the flesh,
So it’s pretty fresh.
TODD (Looking at it):
Awful lot of fat.
MRS. LOVETT:
Only where it sat.
TODD:
Haven’t you got poet
Or something like that?
MRS. LOVETT:
No, you see the trouble with poet
Is, how do you know it’s
Deceased?
Try the priest.
TODD (Tasting it): Heavenly.
(MRS. LOVETT giggles)
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, but not as bland as curate, either.
MRS. LOVETT: And good for business — always leaves you wanting more. Trouble is, we only get it in Sundays . . . (TODD chuckles. MRS. LOVETT presents another imaginary pie)
Lawyer’s rather nice.
TODD:
If it’s for a price.
MRS. LOVETT:
Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow
It twice.
TODD:
Anything that’s lean.
MRS. LOVETT:
Well, then, if you’re British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal
Marine.
(TODD makes a face)
Anyway, it’s clean.
Though, of course, it tastes of wherever it’s been.
TODD (Looking past her at an imaginary oven):
Is that squire
On the fire?
MRS. LOVETT:
Mercy no, sir,
Look closer,
You’ll notice it’s grocer.
TODD:
Looks thicker.
More like vicar.
MRS. LOVETT:
No, it has to be grocer — it’s green.
TODD:
The history of the world, my love —
MRS. LOVETT:
Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors …
TODD:
— is those below serving those up above.
MRS. LOVETT:
Everybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors …
TODD:
How gratifying for once to know —
BOTH:
— that those above will serve those down below!
MRS. LOVETT: Now, let’s see … (Surveying an imaginary tray of pies on the counter) We’ve got tinker …
TODD (Looking at it): Something pinker.
MRS. LOVETT: Tailor?
tow (Shaking his head): Paler.
MRS. LOVETT: Butler?
TODD: Subtler.
MRS. LOVETT: Potter?
TODD (Feeling it): Hotter.
MRS. LOVETT: Locksmith?
(TODD shrugs, defeated. MRS. LOVETT offers another imaginary pie)
Lovely bit of clerk.
TODD:
Maybe for a lark …
MRS. LOVETT:
Then again, there’s sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark.
(Another)
Try the financier.
Peak of his career.
TODD:
That looks pretty rank.
MRS. LOVETT:
Well, he drank.
It’s a bank
Cashier.
Last one really sold.
(Feels it)
Wasn’t quite so old.
TODD:
Have you any BEADLE?
MRS. LOVETT:
Next week, so I’m told.
BEADLE isn’t bad till you smell it
And notice how well it’s
Been greased.
Stick to priest.
(Offers another pie)
Now this may be a bit stringy, but then, of course, it’s fiddle player.
TODD: This isn’t Fiddle player. It’s piccolo player.
MRS. LOVETT: How can you tell?
TODD: It’s piping hot.
(Giggles)
MRS. LOVETT (Snorts with glee): Then blow on it first. (TODD guffaws)
TODD:
The history of the world, my sweet —
MRS. LOVETT:
Oh, Mr. Todd,
Ooh, Mr. Todd,
What does it tell?
TODD:
— is who gets eaten and who gets to eat.
MRS. LOVETT:
And, Mr. Todd,
Too, Mr. Todd,
Who gets to sell.
TODD:
But fortunately, it’s also clear —
TODD: MRS. LOVETT:
That everybody But everybody
Goes down well with beer. Goes down well with beer.
MRS. LOVETT: Since marine doesn’t appeal to you, how about rear admiral?
TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.
MRS. LOVETT: With or without his privates? “With” is extra. (TODD chortles)
TODD (As MRS. LOVETT offers another pie):
What is that?
MRS. LOVETT:
It’s fop.
Finest in the shop.
Or we have some shepherd’s pie peppered
With actual shepherd
On top.
And I’ve just begun.
Here’s the politician — so oily
It’s served with a doily —
(TODD makes a face)
Have one.
TODD:
Put it on a bun.
(As she looks at him quizzically)
Well, you never know if it’s going to run.
MRS. LOVETT:
Try the friar.
Fried, it’s drier.
TODD:
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy.
MRS. LOVETT:
Then actor —
That’s compacter.
TODD:
Yes, and always arrives overdone.
I’ll come again when you
Have JUDGE on the menu . . .
MRS. LOVETT: Wait! True, we don’t have JUDGE — yet — but would you settle for the next best thing?
TODD: What’s that?
MRS. LOVETT (Handing him a butcher’s cleaver): Executioner. (TODD roars, and then, picking up her wooden rolling pin, hands it to her)
TODD:
Have charity toward the world, my pet.
MRS. LOVETT:
Yes, yes, I know, my love —
TODD:
We’ll take the customers what we can get
MRS. LOVETT:
High-born and low, my love
TODD:
We’ll not discriminate great from small
No, we’ll serve anyone —
Meaning anyone —
BOTH:
And to anyone
At all!
(Music continues as the two of them brandish their “weapons.” The scene blacks out).