12. BACK AT THE HOUSE ON SUNSET
MAX
Where have you been?
JOE
Out. I assume I can go out when I feel like it.
MAX
Madame is quite agitated. Earlier this evening, she wanted you for something and you could not be found.
JOE
Well, that’s tough.
MAX
I don’t think you understand, Mr. Gillis. Madame is extremely fragile. She has moments of melancholy. There have been suicide attempts.
JOE
Why? Because of her career? She’s done well enough. Look at all the fan mail she gets every day.
MAX
I wouldn’t look too closely at the postmarks if I were you.
JOE
You mean you write them?
MAX
Will you be requiring some supper this evening, sir?
JOE
No. And Max?
MAX
Yes, sir?
JOE
Who the hell do you think you are, bringing my stuff up from my apartment without consulting me? I have a life of my own – now you’re telling me I’m supposed to be a prisoner here.
MAX
I think, perhaps, sir, you will have to make up your mind to abide by the rules of this house. That is, if you want the job.
JOE
I started work on the script
I hacked my way through the thicket
A maze of fragmented ramblings
By a soul in limbo
She hovered there like a hawk
Afraid I’d damage her baby
NORMA
What’s that?
JOE
I thought we might cut away from the slave market…
NORMA
Cut away from me?
JOE
Norma, they don’t want you in every scene
NORMA
Or course they do. What else would they have come for?
Put it back.
JOE
I’d made my first big mistake
I’d put my foot in the quicksand
It wouldn’t be a few days
Paste and scissors
This would take weeks
The house was always so quiet
Just me and Max and that organ
No one phoned and nobody ever came
And there was only one kind
of entertainment on hand
Max, what’s on this evening?
I hope it’s not one of her weepy melodramas
MAX
We’ll be showing
One of Madam’s enduring classics
“The Ordeal of Joan of Arc”
JOE
Oh, God.
We saw that last week.
MAX
A masterpiece can never pall
She is the greatest star of all
13. NEW WAYS TO DREAM
NORMA
This was dawn
There were no rules
We were so young
Movies were born
So many songs
Yet to be sung
So many roads
Still unexplored
We gave the world
New ways to dream
Somehow we found
New ways to dream
Joan of Arc:
Look at my face
Isn’t it strong?
There in the dark
Up on the screen
Where I belong
We’ll show them all
Nothing has changed
We’ll give the world
New ways to dream
Everyone needs
New ways to dream
JOE
I didn’t argue, why hurt her?
You don’t yell at a sleepwalker
Or she could fall and break her neck
She smelled of faded roses
It made me sad to watch her
As she relived her glory
Poor Norma
So happy
Lost in her silver heaven
NORMA
Nothing has changed
We’ll give the world
New ways to dream
Everyone needs
New ways to dream
14. COMPLETION OF THE SCRIPT
JOE
In December, the rains came. One great big package, over-sized, just like everything else in California; and it came right through the roof of my room above the garage. So she had me moved into the main house. Into what Max called “the room of the husbands”. And on a clear day, the theory was, you could see Catalina. And little by little I worked through to the end of the script. At which point I might have left: only by then those two boys from the finance company had traced my car and towed it away, and I hadn’t seen one single dollar of cash money since I arrived.
NORMA
Stop that!
Today’s the day.
JOE
What do you mean?
NORMA
Max is going to deliver the script to Paramount.
JOE
You’re really going to give it to DeMille?
NORMA
I’ve just spoken with my astrologer. She read DeMille’s horoscope; she read mine.
JOE
Did she read the script?
NORMA
DeMille is Leo; I’m Scorpio. Mars is transiting Jupiter and today is the day of closest conjunction.
JOE
Oh well, that’s all right, then.
NORMA
Max.
MAX
Yes, Madame.
NORMA
Make sure it goes to Mr. DeMille in person.
JOE
Well…
NORMA
Great day.
JOE
It’s been real interesting.
NORMA
Yes…hasn’t it?
JOE
I want to thank you for trusting me with your baby.
NORMA
Not at all, it is I who should thank you.
JOE
Will you call and let me know as soon as you have some news?
NORMA
Call? Where?
JOE
My apartment.
NORMA
Oh, but you couldn’t possibly think of leaving now, Joe.
JOE
Norma, the script is finished.
NORMA
No, Joe. No. It’s just the beginning, it’s just the firt draft. I couldn’t dream of letting you go, I need your support.
JOE
Well, I can’t stay.
NORMA
You’ll stay on with full salary, of course…
JOE
Oh, Norma, it’s not the money
Yes, of course, I’ll stay until we get some sort of news back from Paramount.
NORMA
Thank you. Thank you, Joe.
JOE
So, Max wheeled out that foreign bus
Brushed the leopardskin upholstery
He trundled along to Paramount
To hand Cecil B. our hopeless opus
My work was over
I was feeling no pain
Locked up like John the Baptist
15. THE LADY’S PAYING
NORMA
Hurry up, the birthday boy is on his way
This is a surprise celebration
I hope you’ve remembered everything I’ve said
I want to see a total transformation
JOE
What’s all this?
NORMA
Happy birthday, darling. Did you think we’d forgotten?
JOE
Well, I … I don’t know.
NORMA
These people are from the best men’s shop in town. I had them close it down for the day.
JOE
Norma, now listen!
NORMA
I’ll leave you boys to it.
MANFRED
Happy birthday, welcome to your shopathon!
JOE
What’s going on?
MANFRED
Help yourself, it’s all been taken care of
Anyone who’s anyone is dressed by me
JOE
Well, golly gee
MANFRED
Pick out anything you’d like a pair of
You just point, I’ll do the rest
I’ve brought nothing but the best
You’re a very lucky writer
Come along now, get undressed
Unless I’m much mistaken
That’s a 42-inch chest
JOE
I don’t understand a word you’re saying
MANFRED
Well, all you need to know’s the lady’s paying
It’s nice to get your just reward this time of year
JOE
Get outta here!
MANFRED
And all my merchandise is strictly kosher
When you’ve thrown away all your old worn-out stuff
JOE
Hey, that’s enough
MANFRED
Perhaps you’d like to model for my brochure
I have just the thing for you
Chalk-stripe suits
SALESMAN 1
In black
SALESMAN 2
Or blue
SALESMAN 3
Glen plaid trousers
SALESMAN 4
Cashmere sweaters
SALESMAN 5
Bathing shorts for Malibu
SALESMAN 6
Here’s a patent leather lace-up
SALESMAN 7
It’s a virtuoso shoe
MANFRED
And a simply marvelous coat made of vicuna
JOE
You know what you can do with your vicuna
NORMA
Come on Joe, you haven’t even started yet
JOE
You wanna bet?
NORMA
I thought by now he’d look the height of fashion
He always takes forever making up his mind
Don’t be unkind
I thought you writers knew about compassion
I love flannel on a man
MANFRED
This will complement his tan
NORMA
We’ll take two of these and four of those
MANFRED
I’m still your greatest fan!
Very soon now we’ll have stopped him
Looking like an also-ran
JOE
You’re going to make me sorry that I’m staying
NORMA
Well, all right, I’ll choose, after all, I’m paying!
MANFRED
Evening clothes?
NORMA
I want to see your most deluxe
JOE
Won’t wear a tux
NORMA
Of course not, dear, tuxedos are for waiters
MANFRED
What we need are tails, a white tie and top hat
JOE
I can’t wear that
NORMA
Joe, second-rate clothes are for second-raters
JOE
Norma, please…
NORMA
Shut up, I’m rich
Now some platinum blonde bitch
I own so many apartments
I’ve forgotten which is which
JOE
I don’t have to go to premieres
I’m never on display
You seem to forget that I’m a writer
Who cares what you wear when you’re a writer?
NORMA
I care, Joe, and please don’t be so mean to me.
JOE
O.K., all right.
NORMA
You can’t come to my New Year’s Eve party in that filling-station shirt.
JOE
I’ve been invited somewhere else on New Year’s Eve.
NORMA
Where?
JOE
Artie Green. He’s an old friend of mine.
NORMA
I can’t do without you, Joe, I need you.
I’ve sent out every single invitation
JOE
All right, Norma, I give in
NORMA
Of course you do
And when they’ve dressed you
You’ll cause a sensation
SALESMEN
We equip the chosen few of Movieland
MANFRED
(The latest cut)
SALESMEN
We dress every movie star and crooner
From their shiny toecaps to their hatband
MANFRED
(Conceal your gut)
You won’t regret selecting the vicuna
SALESMEN
If you need a hand to shake
If there’s a girl you want to make
If there’s a soul you’re out to capture
Or a heart you want to break
If you want the world to love you
MANFRED
You’ll have to learn to take
SALESMEN
And gracefully accept the role you’re playing
MANFRED
You will earn every cent the lady’s paying
SALESMEN
So why not have it all?
MANFRED
Now that didn’t hurt, did it?
SALESMEN
The lady’s paying!
16. NEW YEAR’S EVE
JOE
Max, you’ve pulled the stops out
It looks like Gala Night aboard S.S. Titanic
Will we play spot the actor?
As if we’re visiting a gallery of waxworks?
MAX
Would you rather I mix for you a dry martini
Or shall I open the champage
JOE
Max, don’t be so evasive
Who’s she invited to the ball?
MAX
Madame herself made every call
NORMA
Here. Happy New Year.
JOE
Norma, I can’t take this.
NORMA
Oh, shut up. Open it. Read what it says.
JOE
“Mad about the boy”.
NORMA
Yes; and you do look absolutely divine.
JOE
Well, thank you.
NORMA
I had these tiles put in, you know,
because Rudy Valentino said to me, it takes tiles to tango. Come on.
JOE
No, no, not on the same floor as Valentino!
NORMA
Oh come on, come on, come on. Get up. Follow me.
And one, two… and one, two, one two, together. And one.
Don’t lean back like that.
JOE
Norma, it’s that thing. It tickles.
17. THE PERFECT YEAR
NORMA
Ring out the old
Ring in the new
A midnight wish
To share with you
Your lips are warm
My head is light
Were we alive before tonight?
I don’t need a crowded ballroom
Everything I want is here
If you’re with me
Next year will be
The perfect year
JOE
Before we play
Some dangerous game
Before we fan
Some harmless flame
We have to ask if this is wise
And if the game is worth the prize
With this wine and with this music
How can anything be clear?
Let’s wait and see
It may just be
The perfect year
NORMA
It’s New Year’s Eve
And hopes are high
Dance one year in
Kiss one goodbye
Another chance, another start
So many dreams to tease the heart
We don’t need a crowded ballroom
Everything we want is here
And face to face
We will embrace
The perfect year
We don’t need a crowded ballroom
Everything we want is here
And face to face
We will embrace
The perfect year
JOE
So, what time are they supposed to get here?
NORMA
Who?
JOE
The other guests.
NORMA
There are no other guests. Just you and me.
I’m in love with you. Surely you know that
JOE
Norma…
NORMA
We’ll have a wonderful time next year. I’ll have the pool filled up for you. I’ll open up my house in Malibu, and you can have the whole ocean. I have enough money to buy us anything we want.
JOE
Cut out that “us” business.
NORMA
What’s the matter with you?
JOE
What right do you have to take me for granted?
NORMA
What right? Do you want me to tell you?
JOE
Norma, what I am trying to say is that I am the wrong guy for you. You need a big shot, someone with polo ponies, a Valentino…
NORMA
What you’re trying to say is, you don’t want me to love you. Say it! Say it!
JOE
Max. Get me a taxi.
I had to get out
I needed to be with people my own age
To hear the sound of laughter
And mix with hungry actors
Underemployed composers
Nicotine-poisoned writers
Real people
Real problems
Having a really good time
18. THIS TIME NEXT YEAR
ARTIE
Hey, Gillis! We’d give you up.
Let me take your coat
Jesus, Joe, what’s this made of? Mink?
Who did you borrow this from? Adolphe Menjou?
JOE
Close, but no cigar.
Hey! It’s quite a crowd
ARTIE
I invited all the kids doing walk-ons in “Samson and Delilah”.
BETTY
Where have you been hiding? I called your apartment. I called your ex-agent. I was about to call the Bureau of Missing Persons.
JOE
Well, they always know where to find me.
RICHARD A
Hey, Sammy!
You gotta say your New Year’s resolution out loud
Jean!
JEAN
By this time next year
I’ll have landed a juicy part
STEVE
Nineteen fifty will be my start
RICHARD T
No more carrying spears
MARY
I’ll be discovered
My life won’t ever be the same
Billy Wilder will know my name
And he’ll call all the time
KATHERINE
‘Til he does, can one of you guys lend her a dime?
ALISA
Just an apartment
With no roaches and no dry rot
ANITA
Where the hot water comes out hot
BOTH
That’s my Hollywood dream
RICHARD A
Your resolution
JOANNA
Is to write something that gets shot
With approximately the plot
I first had in my head
MYRON
But you’ll get rewritten even after you’re dead
RICHARD A
Artie!
ARTIE
It’s the year to begin a new life
Buy a place somewhere quiet, somewhere pretty
When you have a young kid and a wife
Then you need somewhere green, far from the city
It’s a rambling old house with a big apple tree
With a swing for the kid and a hammock for me
SAMMY
Behold, my children
It is I, Cecil B. DeMille
Meeting me must be quite a thrill
ADAM
But there’s no need to kneel
SAMMY
I guarantee you
Every girl in my chorus line
Is a genuine Philistine
SANDY
They don’t come off the shelf
SAMMY
I flew every one in from Philistia myself
BETTY
I have some good news
It’s “Blind Windows”
JOE
You don’t let go
BETTY
I gave Sheldrake an outline, Joe
And he swallowed the bait
JOE
Well, hallelujah!
BETTY
While you’ve been buying vicuna coats
I’ve been making a lot of notes
Now there’s work we should do…
JOE
Betty, you’re forgetting that I gave it to you
You remind me of me long ago
Off the bus, full of ignorant ambition
Thought I’d waltz into some studio
And achieve overnight recognition
I’ve seen too many optimists sinking like stones
Felt them suck all the marrow clean out of my bones
BETTY
I love “Blind Windows”
But I can’t write it on my own
Can’t we speak on the telephone?
All my evenings are free
ARTIE
Hey, just a minute
I’m the fellow who bought the ring
BETTY
Artie, this is a business thing
It’s important to me
You’ll be on location in Clinch, Tennessee
Please make this your New Year’s resolution for me
ALL
By this time next year
I will get my foot in the door
Next year I know I’m going to score
An amazing success
Cut to the moment
When they open the envelope
Pass the statuette to Bob Hope
And it’s my name you hear
We’ll be down on our knees
Outside Grauman’s Chinese
Palm prints there on the street
Immortality’s neat!
This time next year
This time next year
We’ll have nothing to fear
Contracts all signed
Three-picture deal
Yellow brick road career
Hope we’re not still saying these things
This time next year
JOE
You know, I think I will be available in the New Year. In fact, I’m available right now.
BETTY
Joe, that’s great!
JOE
Hey, Artie, where’s your phone?
ARTIE
Under the bar.
JOE
Hey, Artie. You think you could put me up for a couple of weeks?
ARTIE
It just so happens we’ve got a vacancy on the couch.
JOE
I’ll take it.
MAX
Yes?
JOE
Max, it’s Mr. Gillis. I want you to do me a favour.
MAX
I’m sorry, Mr. Gillis. I can’t talk right now.
JOE
Listen, I want you to take my old suitcases…
MAX
I’m sorry, I am attending to Madame.
JOE
What do you mean?
MAX
Madame found the razor in your room. And she’s cut her wrists.
ALL
Three, two, one, Happy New Year!
Should auld acquiantance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquiantance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet
For the sake of auld lang syne
19. NEW YEAR’S EVE (Back at the House on Sunset)
NORMA
Go away.
JOE
What kind of a silly thing was that to do?
NORMA
I’ll do it again! I’ll do it again! I’ll do it again!
JOE
Attractive headline: “Great Star kills herself for Unknown Writer”.
NORMA
Great stars have great pride.
You must have some girl, why don’t you go to her?
JOE
I never meant to hurt you, Norma. You’ve been good to me. You’re the only person in this stinking town that’s ever been good to me.
NORMA
Then why don’t you say thank you and go? Go, go! Go!
JOE
Happy New Year.
NORMA
Happy New Year, darling.