1. “I GUESS IT WAS 5 A.M.”
JOE (V.O.)
I guess it was five a.m.
A homicide had been reported
From one of those crazy mansions up on Sunset
Tomorrow every front page
Is going to lead with this story
You see an old time movie star is involved
Maybe the biggest star of all
But before you read about it
Before it gets distorted
By those Hollywood piranhas
If you wanna know the real facts
You’ve come to the right party
Let me take you back six months
I was at the bottom of the barrel
I’d had a contract down at Fox
But I’d fallen foul of Darryl
Now I had a date at Paramount
Along with about a thousand other writers
If it didn’t come up roses
I’d be covering funerals
Back in Dayton, Ohio
I’d hidden my car three blocks away
Turned out to be a smart move.
2. LET’S HAVE LUNCH
JOE
Hi there, Myron
MYRON
How’s it hanging?
JOE
I’ve got a date with Sheldrake
MYRON
I’m shooting a Western down at Fox
JOE
How can you work with Darryl?
MYRON
We should talk
JOE
Gotta run
BOTH
Let’s have lunch
MARY
Hi, Mr. Gillis
JOE
You look great!
MARY
I’m up for an audition
JOE
Sheldrake is driving me insane
MARY
Don’t forget me when you’re casting
JOE
We should talk
MARY
Gotta run
BOTH
Let’s have lunch
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JOE |
MARY |
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Morning, Joanna |
Hi there, Myron |
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JOANNA |
MYRON |
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Who are you meeting? |
You look great |
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JOE |
MARY |
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Sheldrake, but do I need it? |
I’ve spent the last month fasting |
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JOANNA |
MYRON |
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I’m handing in my second draft |
I’m shooting a Western down at Fox |
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JOE |
MARY |
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I’d really love to read it |
Don’t forget me when you’re casting |
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JOANNA |
MYRON
We should talk
We should talk
JOE
MARY
Gotta run
Gotta run
BOTH
BOTH
Let’s have lunch
Let’s have lunch
JOE
Yeah, I have an appointment with Mr. Sheldrake.
JONES
Name?
JOE
Gillis. Joseph Gillis.
JONES
All right, sir, you know your way?
JOE
Yeah.
1ST FINANCEMAN
We want the keys to your car
2ND FINANCEMAN
You’re way behind with the payments
1ST FINANCEMAN
Don’t give us any fancy footwork…
2ND FINANCEMAN
Give us the keys.
JOE
I only wish I could help
I loaned it to my accountant
He has an important client down in Palm Springs
Felt like shooting the breeze
1ST FINANCEMAN
Are you telling us you walked here?
JOE
I believe in self-denial
I’m in training for the priesthood
2ND FINANCEMAN
O.K., wise guy, three hundred bucks.
1ST FINANCEMAN
Or we’re taking the car.
2ND FINANCEMAN
We have a court order.
JOE
I love it when you talk dirty.
SAMMY
Bless you, Joseph
JOE
That you, Sammy?
SAMMY
How do you like my harem?
JOE
How come you get such lousy breaks?
SAMMY
One learns to grin and bear ’em
GIRLS
This is the biggest film ever made.
JOE
What’re you playing?
ANITA
Temple virgin
DAWN
Handmaiden to Delilah
JOE
Let’s have lunch
Gotta run
You’ve got to find me a job
I’m way behind with my payments
I thought you were meant to be my agent
I need some work
MORINO
I only wish I could help
This town is dead at the moment
There’s been this slowdown in production…
JOE
Who is this jerk?
MORINO
He’s my wunderkid from Broadway
Every major studio wants him
YOUNGER MAN
Playing one against the other…
JOE
What I need is three hundred bucks
MORINO
Maybe what you need is a new agent.
JOE
Hello, Artie
ARTIE
Joe, you bastard!
JOE
You never call me any more
ARTIE
Found a cuter dancing partner
How are things?
JOE
Not so great
ARTIE
Will this help?
Twenty bucks?
JOE
Thanks, you’re a pal.
ALL
Good morning, Mr. DeMille.
MYRON
Good morning, C.B.
SHELDRAKE
This is Sheldrake
Bring some water
Get me that shithead Nolan
Nolan, sweetheart
Great to talk
This draft is so much brighter
You’re the best
Even so
I’ve hired another writer
SECRETARY
Mr. Gillis.
SHELDRAKE
Joe! What the fuck brings you here?
JOE
You wanted to see me.
SHELDRAKE
I did? What about?
JOE
“Bases Loaded.” It’s an outline for a baseball picture.
SHELDRAKE
So, pitch.
JOE
It’s about a rookie shortstop. He’s batting .347. The kid was once mixed up in a holdup. Now he’s trying to go straight.
SHELDRAKE
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I have read this.
Somebody, bring in what we’ve got on…
JOE
“Bases Loaded.”
SHELDRAKE
…”Bases Loaded.”
JOE
They’re pretty hot for it over at Twentieth.
SHELDRAKE
Good!
JOE
But can you see Ty Power as a shortstop?
ENSEMBLE
Let’s have lunch
BETTY
Here’s that “Bases Loaded” materical, Mr. Sheldrake. I made a two-page synopsis for you, but I wouldn’t bother to read it.
SHELDRAKE
Why not?
BETTY
It’s just a rehash of something that wasn’t very good to begin with.
SHELDRAKE
Meet Mr. Gillis. He wrote it.
ENSEMBLE
We should talk
SHELDRAKE
This is Miss Kramer.
BETTY
Schaefer. Betty Schaefer. And right now, I’d like to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me.
JOE
If I could be of any help…
BETTY
I’m sorry, Mr. Gillis, I couldn’t see the point of it.
JOE
What sort of material do you suggest? James Joyce? Dostoyevsky?
BETTY
I think pictures should at least try to say a little something.
JOE
I see you’re one of the message kids. I expect you’d have turned down “Gone With the Wind”.
SHELDRAKE
No, that was me.
ENSEMBLE
Gotta run
BETTY
And I guess I was disappointed. I’ve read some of your other work and I thought you had some real talent.
JOE
Yeah, that was last year. This year I felt like eating.
BETTY
Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Gillis.
SHELDRAKE
Thank you, Miss Kramer.
Well, looks like Zanuck’s got himself a baseball picture.
ENSEMBLE
We should talk
Gotta run
Let’s have lunch
JOE
You’ve got to give me some work
I’ll take whatever’s on offer
There must be some shit that needs a rewrite
Throw it my way
SHELDRAKE
I only wish I could help
There’s no spare shit at the moment
Remember the greatest writers starved in Garrets
Didn’t care about pay
JOE
Are you trying to be funny?
SHELDRAKE
I believe in self-denial
Gives a man some moral backbone
JOE
Can you loan me three hundred bucks?
SHELDRAKE
I’m sorry, Gillis. Good-bye.
JOE
I just love Hollywood.
| MYRON | ||||||
| Morning, Joanna | CLIFF | |||||
| Where’ve you been hiding? | SAMMY | |||||
| Hi there, Lisa | MYRON | |||||
| How’re you doing? | KATHERINE | |||||
| I hate this weather | CLIFF | |||||
| You look great | LIZ | |||||
| RKO are O.K.! |
| MARY | |||||
| What’re you doing? | JOANNA | ||||
| You look great | GIRLS | ||||
| This is the biggest film ever made | CLIFF | ||||
| I’m trying to make my mind up | MARY | ||||
| Guess I was born to play her | DAWN | ||||
| What is my motivation? |
| JOANNA | |||||
| You look great | SAMMY | ||||
| They’re talking nominations | LIZ | ||||
| You should go work for Warners’ | MYRON | ||||
| Is your new script with Sheldrake? | MORINO | ||||
| I’m very close to Sheldrake | ARTIE | ||||
| We shoot next month |
SAMMY, SANDY, ARTIE, MORINO, MYRON
Gotta run
JOHN
Let’s drive to Vegas this weekend
KATHERINE, JOANNA
Let’s have lunch
| ANITA | ||||||
| You look great | JOANNA | |||||
| I’m handing in my second draft | MARY | |||||
| It’s between me and Dietrich | KATHERINE | |||||
| I’ve landed a big Broadway show | ADAM | |||||
| I’m gonna work for Metro | CLIFF | |||||
| Let’s have lunch | MARY | |||||
| Let’s have lunch |
| GIRLS | |||||
| Let’s have lunch, this is the biggest film ever made | MYRON | ||||
| I’d really love to read it | CLIFF | ||||
| I’d know just how to light you | JOHN | ||||
| Let’s have lunch | JOHN/LISA | ||||
| It won’t work | MORINO | ||||
| Let’s pencil Thursday morning |
GROUP 1
We should talk
GROUP 2
Gotta run
CHORUS
Let’s have lunch!
Hi, good morning. Aren’t we lucky?
Going to work with Cukor
Paramount is paradise
Movies from A to Zukor
We should talk, gotta run
GROUP 1
Let’s have lunch
GROUP 2
We should talk
GROUP 1
Gotta run
GROUP 2
Gotta run
ALL
Let’s have lunch!
3. EVERY MOVIE’S A CIRCUS
JOE
Come to get your knife back?
It’s still right there, right between my shoulder blades.
BETTY
I read
One of your stories
Wasn’t it Scribner’s
Some magazine.
Title –
Something with windows.
JOE
It was “Blind Windows”
If that’s what you mean
BETTY
That’s right
I really liked it
JOE
I’m all warm and runny inside
BETTY
Let me pitch it to Sheldrake
JOE
I may be broke
But I still have my pride
BETTY
Come on.
Get off your high horse
Writers with pride don’t live in L.A.
Silence
Exile and cunning
Those are the only cards you can play
JOE
Sheldrake won’t buy this story
He likes trash with fairy lights
Jesus, think of the effort
Trying to get him to heighten his sights
BETTY
Every movie’s a circus
Can’t we discuss this
Schwab’s Thursday night?
JOE
What for?
Nothing will happen
I gotta go now
Fight the good fight
BETTY
What’s the rush?
JOE
See those gorillas?
BETTY
Yes, what about them?
JOE
Do me a terrific favour
Keep them amused while I escape
BETTY
If you’re at Schwab’s on Thursday
JOE
Done. Look, those guys are after my car. If I lose that in this town, it’s like having my legs cut off.
BETTY
Let’s duck into the soundstage.
1ST FINANCEMAN
Come on, Gillis, give us the keys.
BETTY
Shhh! Please be quiet, Mr. DeMille is shooting right over there.
1ST FINANCEMAN
So what?
BETTY
He’s working on “Samson and Delilah”: they’re doing a red-hot scene with Hedy Lamarr. You want to stay and watch?
1ST FINANCEMAN
No.
2ND FINANCEMAN
Relax, we got five minutes.
BOTH FINANCEMEN
Hey, hey, come back here…