Historian’s Introduction to Act One
HISTORIAN:
Defeat, at the castle in Act I, seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.
King Arthur and his knights fled for their lives,
and were instantly scattered and lost in a dark and very expensive forest…
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…
And…always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…
If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle – that’s the thing.
And…always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…
For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin – give the audience a grin
Enjoy it – it’s your last chance anyhow.
So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ’em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the right side of life…
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the bright side of life…
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life…
(I mean – what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing – you’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life…
Brave Sir Robin
MINSTREL:
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen
ROBIN:
That’s… that’s… er… enough music for now lads.
Looks like there’s dirty work afoot
You Won’t Succeed on Broadway
ARTHUR:
Have you heard of this “Broadway?”
ROBIN:
Yes sire…and we don’t stand a chance there.
ARTHUR:
Why not?
ROBIN:
Because…Broadway is a very special place,
filled with very special people,
people who can sing and dance, often at the same time!
They are a different people, a multi-talented people,
a people…who need people…and who are, in many ways, the
luckiest people in…the world. I’m sorry sire, but we don’t stand a chance.
ARTHUR:
But why?
ROBIN:
Well…let me put it like this.
In any great adventure,
that you don’t want to lose,
victory depends upon the people that you choose.
So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news:
We won’t succeed on Broadway,
If you don’t have any Jews.
You may have the finest sets,
Fill the stage with Penthouse pets,
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes.
You may dance and you may sing,
But I’m sorry, Arthur king,
You’ll hear no cheers,
Just lots and lots of boos.
ENSEMBLE:
Boo.
ROBIN:
You may have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore,
You may even have some animals from zoos,
Though you’ve Poles and Krauts instead,
You may have unlevened bread,
But I tell you, you are dead,
If you don’t have any Jews.
They won’t care if it’s witty,
or everything looks pretty,
They’ll simply say it’s shitty and refuse
Nobody will go, sir,
If it’s not kosher then no show, sir,
Even Goyem won’t be dim enough to choose!
Put on shows that make men stare,
With lots of girls in underwear,
You may even have the finest of reviews.
CRITIC:
You’re doing great!
ROBIN:
The audience won’t care, sir,
As long as you don’t dare, sir,
To open up on Broadway
If you don’t have any Jews.
You may have dramatic lighting,
Or lots of horrid fighting,
You may even have some white men sing the blues!
Your knights might be nice boys,
But sadly we’re all goys,
And that noise that you call singing you must lose.
So, despite your pretty lights,
and naughty girls in nasty tights,
and the most impressive scenery you use…
You may have dancing mana-a-mano,
You may bring on a piano,
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don’t have any Jews!
You may fill your play with gays,
Have Nigerian girls in stays,
GIRLS:
You may even have some schiksas making stews!
ROBIN:
You haven’t got a clue,
If you don’t have a Jew,
All of your investments you are going to lose!
There’s a very small percentile,
Who enjoys a dancing gentile,
I’m sad to be the one with this bad news!
But never mind your swordplay,
You just won’t succeed on Broadway,
You just won’t succeed on Broadway,
If you don’t have any Jews!
Arthur, can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway,
To sing a song on Broadway,
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose,
I tell you, Arthur king,
There is one essential thing…
There simply must be, simply must be Jews.
There simply must be,
Arthur trust me,
Simply must be Jews.
Diva’s Lament
LADY OF THE LAKE:
What ever happened to my part?
It was exciting at the start.
Now we’re halfway through Act 2
And I’ve had nothing yet to do.
I’ve been offstage for far too long
It’s ages since I had a song.
This is one unhappy Diva
The producer’s have deceived her.
There is nothing I can sing from my heart.
Whatever Happened to My Part?
I am sick of my career
Always starting second gear
Up to here, with frustration and with fears.
I’ve no Grammy, no rewards,
I’ve no Tony Awards,
I’m constantly replaced with Britney Spears
Whatever Happened to My Show?
I was a hit, now I don’t know.
I’m with a bunch of British Knights,
Prancing ’round in woolly tights.
I might as well go to the Pub
They’ve been out searching for a shrub
Out shopping for a Bush
Well they can kiss my Tush
It seems to me they’ve really lost the plot
Whatever Happened to My
I’ll Call my Agent, Dammit
Whatever Happened to My
Not Yours, Not Yours,
But My,
Part!
Where Are You?
PRINCE HERBERT:
Where are you? Where are you?
Where are you, my heart’s desire?
My heart is true, but where are you?
Only you can quench the fire.
Where are you? Where are you?
PRINCE HERBERT’S FATHER:
Stop it! Stop that! Stop all that singing!
PRINCE HERBERT:
I knew someone would come.
I knew that somewhere out there, there must be…
Here are you! Here are you!
Here are you, Sir Lancelot!
PRINCE HERBERT’S FATHER:
Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
PRINCE HERBERT:
I’m your son.
PRINCE HERBERT’S FATHER:
Not you!
His Name is Lancelot
HERBERT:
Lancelot you might as well just fess up
Really you’re a different kind of guy
move aside your scabbard
for underneath your tabard
there is wating to escape a butterfly
KNIGHTS:
His name is Lancelot
and in tight pants alot
he likes to dance alot
you know you do
(LANCELOT: I do?)
So just say thanks alot
and try romance its hott
let’s find out who’s really you!
His name is Lancelot
he visits France alot
he likes to dance alot
and dream
no one would ever know
that this outrageous rogue
bats for the other team
HERBERT:
You’re a knight who really likes his night life
and by day you really like to play
you can all find him
pumping at the gym
at the Camelot Y-M-C-A
KNIGHTS:
His name is Lancelot
just watch him dance alot
he doesn’t care what people say
(LANCELOT: no way!)
Oh when he starts to dance
just grab your underpants
HERBERT:
He can finally come out and say that
he is G-A-Y-…M-C-A!
KNIGHTS:
He’s gay!
LANCELOT:
Okay!
I’m All Alone
KING ARTHUR:
I’m all alone
all by myself
there is no one here beside me
I’m all alone
quite, all alone
no one to comfort me or guide me
why is there no one here with me
on the long and winding road
to lift my heavy load
if there were someone here with me
how happy I would be
but I’m alone
quite all alone
all by myself, I’m all alone
I’m all alone
(Patsy: he’s all alone)
All by myself
(Patsy: except for me)
I cannot face tomorrow
(Patsy: he cannot face it)
I’m all alone
(Patsy: Though I am here)
So all alone
(Patsy: so very near)
No one to share my sorrow
PATSY:
You know it seems quite clear to me
Because I’m working class
I am just the horse’s ass
He sells me down the river
So what am I, chopped liver?
ARTHUR:
But I’m alone
(Patsy: oh no you’re not!)
So all alone
(Patsy: I’m here you twat!)
All by myself, I’m all alone
KNIGHTS:
He’s all alone
ARTHUR:
I’m all alone
KNIGHTS:
all by himself
ARTHUR:
all by myself
KNIGHTS:
there is no one here beside him, He’s all alone
ARTHUR:
so all alone
KNIGHTS:
apart from us,
No one to comfort him or guide him
ARTHUR:
each one of us is all alone
so what are we to do
in order to get through
we must be lonely side by side
it’s a perfect way to hide
KNIGHTS:
we’re all alone
ARTHUR:
we’re all alone
KNIGHTS:
yes all alone
ARTHUR:
so all alone,
each by ourselves
we’re all alone.
Twice in Every Show
LADY:
But you’re not alone, Arthur!
Haven’t you noticed?
I’ve been with you all the time!
Who gave you the sword?
Who made you king?
Who helped you find the quest?
Sure, I’ve been offstage for far too long
But, we had that great lounge number in Act One.
And, oh! We do scat great together!
No, no, I’m no Patsy
But I am here to help you
And I always have been!
ARTHUR:
And you really want me?
LADY:
More than ever!
BOTH:
Twice in every show!
There comes a song like this!
It starts off soft and low
And ends up with a kiss.
Oh, this is the scene
That ends like this.
LADY:
Find the grail, Arthur!
And when you do,
I’ll be there
Waiting for you!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Act II Finale
ARTHUR:
Lady, will you marry me?
LADY:
I thought you’d never ask.
GIRLS:
We are not yet wed
And we’re nearly at the end
It is time that we
Went and found a friend
Is there someone who
Can help us in out quest?
We’re already dressed
Although we’re not yet wed.
MEN:
We are not yet dead
That’s the best thing to be said
We are not yet dead
So we might as well get wed
Could it be much worse
Is marriage such a curse?
Might as well get married
Cos we are not yet wed
HERBERT:
So you see it’s all a show, happy ending and all
And that just makes me want to sing…
When you’re lost
On life’s trail
And you feel doomed to fail
Do not fail
Find Your Male
Find Your Male
That’s your Grail
LANCE:
Just think Herbert, in a thousand years time this will still be controversial.
ROBIN:
And I too have found my grail.
ENSEMBLE:
What’s that?
ROBIN:
Musical Theatre!
You can sing
You can dance
And you won’t soil your pants
In your white tie and tail
Find your Grail
Find your Grail
CHORUS:
Hallelujah a Broadway wedding!
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE:
So be strong
CHORUS:
Here comes the bride
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE:
Keep right on.
CHORUS:
Here comes the groom
ARTHUR & GUINEVERE:
To the end of your song
CHORUS:
Hallelujah
GUINEVERE:
Do not fail
Find your Male
ARTHUR:
Dressed in ‘mail’
Find your Grail
CHORUS:
Sing Hallelujah they’ve found their grail.
ARTHUR:
Life is really up to you
You must choose what to pursue
CHORUS:
A Broadway wedding
GUINEVERE:
Set your mind on what to find
And there’s nothing you can’t do
ALL:
Go and find your grail
ARTHUR AND GUINEVERE:
So keep right to the end
You’ll find your goal my friend
CHORUS:
Find your friend!
ALL:
Then the prize you won’t fail
Find your Grail
Find your Grail!
FATHER:
Stop that. Stop that. Stop it! No more bloody singing…
CHORUS:
For this is the Show that ends like this!