Historian’s Introduction to Act One
A FAMOUS HISTORIAN:
England, 932 A.D. A kingdom divided. To the West, the Anglo-Saxons.
To the East, the French. Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland.
In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, plague.
In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent, plague.
In Mercia, and the two Anglias, plague, with a 50% chance of pestilence
and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.
Legend tells us of an extrodanairy leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom.
A man with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest.
This man was Arthur, King of the Britains, for this was England!
Finland / Fisch Schlapping Dance
COMPANY:
Finland, Finland, Finland
That’s the country for me!
MAYOR:
Finland is the country where we dance
Finland is the country where we play
Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance
In traditional Scandinavian vay!
ALL:
Schlip! Schlap!
MAYOR:
Schlip-a-schlap-a vay
ALL:
Schlip! Schlap!
MAYOR:
Schlap away all day
ALL:
Schlip! Schlap!
MAYOR:
You simply can’t go wrong
Vith traditional fish-schlapping song
ALL:
Finland, Finland, Finland
MEN:
The country where I quite want to be
SOLOIST 1:
Pony trekking-
SOLOIST 2:
Or camping-
ALL:
Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland
That’s the country for me
HISTORIAN (spoken):
I said, “England.”
COMPANY (spoken in tandem):
What? Oh, sorry, sorry about that
Monks’ Chant/ He Is Not Dead Yet
MONKS:
Sacrosanctus Domine
Pecavi ignoviunt
Iuesus Christus Domine
Pax vobiscum venerunt
ROBIN:
Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
LANCE:
Here’s one.
DAD:
I’m not dead!
ROBIN:
Here, he says he’s not dead!
LANCE:
Yes, he is.
DAD:
I feel happy. I feel happy.
DAD:
I am not dead yet
I can dance and I can sing
I am not dead yet
I can do the highland fling
I am not dead yet
No need to go to bed
No need to call the doctor
‘Cos I’m not yet dead
MINSTRELS:
He is not yet dead
That’s what the geezer said
Oh, he’s not yet dead
That man is off his head
He is not yet dead
Put him back in bed
Keep him off the cart because he’s not yet dead
MINSTRELS:
Well now he’s dead
You whacked him on the head
Sure now he’s dead
It makes me just see red
You are such a brute
To murder that old coot
You homicidal bastard, now he’s really dead
Who is the knave who put him in his grave
And who needs to manage his anger?
LANCE:
My name is Lancelot
I’m big and strong and hot
Occasionally I do
Some things that I should not
ROBIN:
I want to be a knight
But I don’t like to fight
I’m rather scared I may
Just simply run away
LANCE:
I’ll be right with you
Robin through and through and through
So stick with me and I’ll show you what to do
ROBIN:
We’ll remain good chums
You can teach me how to dance
BOTH:
We’re going to enlist
ROBIN:
I’m Robin
LANCE:
And I’m Lance
CHORUS:
Oh we’re off to war
Because we’re not yet dead
We will all enlist
As the Knights that Arthur led
DAD:
I am coming too
My name will be Sir Fred
I’ll be your musician
Cos I’m not yet dead
CHORUS:
Oh we’re not dead yet
To Camelot we go
To enlist instead
To try and earn some dough
And so although
We should have stayed in bed
We’re going off to war
Because we’re not yet dead
LANCE:
To kill
I will
It gives me such a thrill
ROBIN:
To sing
And dance
And keep an eye on Lance
ALL:
We’re going off to war
We’ll have girlfriends by the score
DAD:
We’ll be shot by Michael Moore
ALL:
Because we’re not yet dead
Come With Me
ARTHUR (spoken):
Oh, Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real.
DENNIS (spoken):
Cor! Blimey!
LAKER GIRLS:
Ahhhhh… etc.
LADY OF THE LAKE:
Come with me
Come with me
Come with me
Sweet Galahad
You’ll be a man
Join Arthur’s clan
Come with me
And I will make you glad
Galahad
Sweet Galahad
Be a knight, It’s time to take your vow
If you come with me now
I’ll show you how
DENNIS:
Oh wow!
ARTHUR (spoken):
Stand aside, Mrs. Galahad, while the Lady of the Lake
and her Laker Girls welcome your son to my army.
Laker Girls Cheer
ARTHUR:
I am Arthur King of the Britons
And we’re seeking men who are able.
And so we’re recruiting Dennis
To sit at our very, very, very round table.
Ready?
GIRLS:
OK!
K.I.N.G.
A.R.T.H.
U.R. Arthur
K.I.N.G.
A.R.T.H.
U.R. Arthur
Arthur King
Arthur King
The biggest and the coolest thing
ARTHUR:
Who’s the King?
GIRLS:
U.R.
ARTHUR:
Who’s the King?
GIRLS:
U.R.
A.R.T.H.U.R. Arthur!
Who is next to enlist?
Dennis
Dennis
PATSY:
Who is?
GIRLS & PATSY:
Dennis
The Lady of the Lake will make him a man
If she can’t do it- nobody can
ARTHUR & PATSY:
Who will he be?
GIRLS:
G.A.L.A.H.A.D.
G…A…L…A…H…A…
MOTHER: D
The Song that Goes Like This
Once in every show
There comes a song like this
It starts off soft and low
And ends up with a kiss
Oh where is the song
That goes like this?
Where is it? Where? Where?
A sentimental song
That casts a magic spell
They all will hum along
We’ll overact like hell
For this is the song that goes like this
Yes it is! Yes it is!
Now we can go straight
Right down the middle eight
A bridge that is too far for me
I’ll sing it in your face
While we both embrace
And then
We change
The key
Now we’re into E!
*hem* That’s awfully high for me
But as everyone can see
We should have stayed in D
For this is our song that goes like this!
I’m feeling very proud
You’re singing far too loud
That’s the way that this song goes
You’re standing on my toes
Singing our song that goes like this!
I can’t believe there’s more
It’s far too long, I’m sure
That’s the trouble with this song
It goes on and on and on
For this is our song that is too long!
We’ll be singing this til dawn
You’ll wish that you weren’t born
Let’s stop this damn refrain
Before we go insane
For this is our song that ends like this!
All For One
HISTORIAN:
And so, King Arthur gathered his Knights together,
bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in
the land to sit at the Round Table.
The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere,
the dasingly handsome Sir Galahad, the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot,
Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,
who slew the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who
personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.
And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-show.
SIR NOT:
Sorry.
HISTORIAN:
Together they formed a band whose names
and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries…
The Knights of the Round Table.
ALL:
All for one
One for all
All for one
And one for all
BEDEVERE:
Some for some
GALAHAD:
None for none
ROBIN:
Slightly less for people we don’t like
LANCELOT:
And a little bit more for me
ALL:
All round this Blightly land
We are his mighty band
Oooo
King Arthur’s strongest knights
We are prepared to fight
Whoooo-ever
All for one
Two for all
All for some
And free for all
Knights of the Round Table
GIRLS:
Camelot
The town that never sleeps
It’s Camelot!
ALL KNIGHTS:
We’re knights of the round table
We dance when e’re we’re able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impecc-able
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam alot
We’re knights of the round talbe
Our shows are for-mid-able
But many times, we’re given rythmes
That are quite unsing-able
We’re opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
PRINCIPAL KNIGHTS:
We’re knights of the table
Although we live a fable
We’re not just bums
With royal mums
We’ve brains that are quite a-ble
We’ve a busy life in Camelot.
SOLO MAN:
I have to push the pram a lot.
ARTHUR:
Ladies and gentlemen – The Lady of the Lake.
LADY OF THE LAKE:
Once in every show
There comes a song like…….this
It starts off soft and low
And ends up with a kiss
Oh, where is the song that goes like this?
Goes like this?
A sentimental song
That cast a magic spell
They will all hum along
And we’ll all overact, overact like hell
‘Cos this is the song
Yes this is the song
Oh this is the song that goes…….like
LADY OF THE LAKE:
They’re Knights of the Round Table
ARTHUR:
They dance when e’er they’re able
LADY OF THE LAKE:
They’re Knights
ARTHUR:
Not days, but Knights
LADY AND ARTHUR:
Not dawn, not dusk
Not late afternoon
But Knights of the Round Table
Round Table
Round Table
Round Table
ALL:
Round Table
Round Table
Round Table
So try your luck in Camelot
Run amok in Camelot
It doesn’t suck in Camelot
WE WON!
We’re Knights of the Round Table
We dance when e’er we’re able
We do routines and gory scenes
That are too hot for cable
We eat ham and jam
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
ALL:
SPAMALOT!
Find Your Grail
LADY OF THE LAKE:
If you trust in your soul
Keep your eyes on the goal
Then the prize you won’t fail
That’s your grail
That’s your grail
So be strong
Keep right on
To the end of your song
Do not fail
Find your grail
Find your grail
Find your grail
Life is really up to you
You must choose what to pursue ohh yeeeah
Set your mind on what to find
And there’s nothin’ you can’t doooo
So keep right to the end
You’ll find your goal my friend
You won’t fail
Find your grail
Find your grai-a-a-a-ail
Find your grail
COMPANY:
Find your grail
Find your grail
ARTHUR:
When your life
Seems adrift
When we all need a lift
Tell yourself you won’t fail
Find your grail
Find your grail
Life is really up to you
You must choose what to pursue
Set your mind on what to find
LADY OF THE LAKE:
And there’s nothin’ you can’t do
You can’t do
Dooooo!!
COMPANY:
So keep right (so keep right) to the end (to the end)
You’ll find your goal my friend
Find your grail!
You won’t fail
Find your grail
Find your grail
Find your grail!!
LADY OF THE LAKE:
Ohhhh
You’ll find it!
You’ll find it!
YEEEEAH!
You gotta keep on
Goin round!
Goin round!
Cause I know
YEEEEEEAAAH!
Run Away!
Bravely Robin ran away, (No!)
Bravely ran away, away. (I didn’t!)
When danger reared its ugly head,
he bravely turned his tail and fled. (No!)
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about (I didn’t)
And gallantly, he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet, (I never did!)
He beat a very brave retreat, (Oh, lie!)
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin. (I never!)