PROLOGUE
MAGENTA: (As Usherette)
Michael Rennie was ill
The day the earth stood still
But he told us where we stand
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver underwear
Claude Rains was the invisible man
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and King Kong
They got caught in a celluloid jam
Then at a deadly pace
It came from outer space
And this is how the message ran.
CHORUS:
Science fiction – double feature
Phantoms do the Dr X will build a creature
See Androids fighting Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Oh – at the late night double feature
Picture show
I knew Leo G. Carrol
was over a barrel
When tarrantula took to the hills
And I got really hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott
Fight a triffed that spits poison and kills
Dana Andrews said prunes
Gave him the ruhnes
And passing them
used lots of skills
But when worlds collide
Said George Pal to his bride
I’m going to give you some terrible thrills
Like a –
CHORUS:
Science fiction – double feature
Phantoms do the Dr X will build a creature
See Androids fighting Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Oh – at the late night double feature
Picture show
SCENE ONE
Wedding bells are ringing
BRAD and JANET are both breathless.
JANET:
Oh Brad, wasn’t it wonderful – didn’t Betty look radiantly beautiful – I can’t believe it –
just an hour ago she was plain Betty Munroe and now she’s Mrs. Ralf Hapshatt.
BRAD:
Yes, Janet – Ralf’s a lucky guy.
JANET:
Yes.
BRAD:
Everyone knows Betty’s a wonderful little cook.
JANET:
Yes.
BRAD:
And Ralf himself will be in line for promotion in a year or two.
JANET:
Yes.
BRAD:
Hey, Janet, I’ve got something to say
I really loved the skillful way
You beat the other girls to the bride’s bouquet
The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)
The future is ours so let’s plan it. (Janet)
So please don’t tell me to can it. (Janet)
I’ve one thing to say and that’s …
Damn it – Janet – I love you.
(Phantoms)
The road was long but I ran it. (Janet)
There’s a fire in my heart and you fan it. (Janet)
If there’s one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)
I’ve one thing to say and that’s …
Damn it – Janet – I love you.
Here’s a ring to prove I’m no joker
There’s three ways that love can grow
That’s good – bad – or mediocre
Janet – I love you so.
JANET:
Oh it’s nicer than Betty Munroe had. (Oh Brad)
Now we’re engaged and I’m so glad. (Oh Brad)
That you’ve met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
I’ve one thing to say and that’s ….
Brad – I’m mad – for you too.
Oh Brad.
BRAD:
Oh damn it.
JANET:
I’m mad.
BRAD:
Oh Janet.
JANET:
For you.
BRAD:
I love you too –
There’s one thing left to do and that’s….
Go see the man who began it (Janet)
When we met in his science exam it (Janet)
Made me give you the eye and then panic (Janet)
Now I’ve one thing to say and that’s ….
Damn it – Janet – I love you.
Damn it Janet.
JANET:
Oh Brad I’m mad.
BRAD:
Damn it Janet.
BOTH:
I love you.
NARRATOR:
I would like – if I may – to take you on a strange journey.
It seemed a farily ordinary night when Brad Majors, and his fiancée
Janet Weiss… (two young ordinary healthy kids)… left Denton that late November evening to visit a Dr. Evrett Scott, ex-tutor and now friend to both of them…
It’s true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous – toward which they were driving, it’s true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air – but they, being normal kids and on a night out – well – they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening.
On a night out…
It was a night out they were to remember for a very – long – time.
SCENE TWO
BRAD:
Hmmm…
JANET:
What’s the matter, Brad darling?
BRAD:
I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back there.
We’d better go on ahead up the road and see if we can find our way back.
Oh darn! Janet.
JANET:
What was that bang?
BRAD:
We seem to have a blow-out in the front off-side tire.
JANET:Oh…
BRAD:
You’d better stay here and keep warm while I go for help.
JANET: But where will you go? We’re in the middle of
nowhere.
BRAD: Didn’t we pass a castle back down the road a few
miles? Maybe they have a telephone I might use.
JANET: I’m coming with you.
BRAD: There’s no point in both of use getting wet.
JANET: I’m coming with you. Besides, darling, the owner
of the phone may be a beautiful woman, and you
may never come back.
BRAD: Ha Ha Ha.
(Phantoms take up the laughter –
They exit)
(MUSIC)
JANET: In the velvet darkness
of the blackest night
burning bright – there’s a guiding star
no matter what or who you are.
BRAD & JANET: There’s a light
ALL: Over at the Frankenstein place
BRAD & JANET: There’s a light
ALL: Burning in the fireplace
JANET: There’s a light… Light in the darkness of
everybody’s life.
BRAD: I can see the flag fly
I can see the rain
Just the same – there has got to be
Something better here – for you and me
BRAD & JANET: There’s a light
ALL: Burning in the fireplace
BRAD: There’s a light… Light in the darkness of
everybody’s life.
RIFF RAFF: (from doorway)
The darkness must flow
Down the river of nights dreaming
Flow morphia slow let the sun and light
Come streaming into my life
ALL: Into my life
JANET & BRAD: There’s a light
ALL: Over at the Frankenstein Place
JANET & BRAD: There’s a light
ALL: Burning in the fireplace
There’s a light – light
JANET & BRAD: In the darkness of everybody’s life.
JANET: (screams)
BRAD: It’s all right, Janet.
JANET: Oh Brad let’s go back. I’m cold and I’m frightened.
BRAD: Just a moment, Janet, they may have a telephone.
(He rings the bell… No answer
… RINGS again… At last the
door opens)
RIFF RAFF: (Looking past them as if for others, or someone
else) Hello.
BRAD: Oh: Uh: Ahh: Hi there, we’re in a bit of a spot, I
wonder could you help us – our car is broken down about
2 miles back – do you have a telephone we might use…
RIFF RAFF: (pause) You’re wet.
JANET: Yes – the rain has been very heavy.
BRAD: Yes.
RIFF RAFF: Yes – (lightning) I think you better both come inside.
JANET: You’re too kind.
NARRATOR: And so – after braving the inclement weather, and some
not too little time – it seemed that fortune had smiled
on Brad and Janet and that they had found the assis-
tance that their plight required – or had they ? –
There was certainly something about this house (to
which, a flat tyre and a wet night had brought them)
that made the both of them feel apprehensive and
uneasy – But, if they were to reach their destination
that night, they would have to ignore such feelings and
take advantage of whatever help was offered.
SCENE THREE
Interior DIMLY LIT.
RIFF RAFF:
Wait here.
JANET:
(looking around) Oh Brad what sort of a place is this I’m frightened.
BRAD:
It’s probably some sort of hunting lodge for rich weirdos – but you’re shivering.
JANET:
Yes I’m wet.
BRAD:
Look feel this – there’s hot air coming from this grill in the wall – take your raincoat and dry it here. I’ll keep a look out for the undertaker.
JANET:
Oh!
BRAD:
For God’s sake keep a grip on yourself Janet. I’m here – there’s nothing to worry about.
(She smiles)
Here dry my coat too.
JANET:
O.K.
(We are aware of FRANK looking at JANET – lights COME UP. BRAD and JANET whirl around see FRANK. Freeze)
JANET:
Oh!
BRAD:
It’s alright, Janet.
(RIFF RAFF appears with COLUMBIA and MAGENTA)
RIFF RAFF, COLUMBIA, MAGENTA:
Master.
FRANK:
How do you do
I see you’ve met my faithful handyman
He’s a little brought down
Because when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman
Don’t get strung out by the way that I look
Don’t judge a book by its cover
I’m not much of a man
By the light of day
But by night I’m one hell of a lover
I’m just a sweet Transvestite
From Transexual
Transalvania.
Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound
You look like you’re both pretty groovie
Or if you want something visual that’s not too abysmal
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.
BRAD:
I’m glad we caught you at home
Ah – could we use your phone
We’re both in a bit of a hurry
We’ll just say where we are
Then go back to the car,
We don’t want to be any worry.
FRANK:
You got caught with a flat
Well how about that
Well baby’s don’t you panic
By the light of the night
It’ll all seem alright
I’ll get you a satanic mechanic.
I’m just a sweet Transvestite
From Transexual
Transalvania
Why don’tcha stay for the night (Servants – “night”)
Or maybe a bite (Servants – “bite”)
I could show you my favourite obsession
I’ve been making a man
With blond hair and a tan
and he’s good for relieving my tension
I’m just a sweet Transvestite
From Transexual
Transalvania
I’m just a sweet Transvestite
From Transexual
Transalvania
So come up to the lab
and see what’s on the slab
I see you shiver with anticipation
But maybe the rain
Is really to blame
So I’ll remove the cause but not the symptom
(FRANK exits. The SERVANTS undress JANET and BRAD. They are reduced to 50’s underwear)
BRAD:
(aside to JANET)It’s all right, Janet, everything’s gonna be all right we’ll just play along for now – and we’ll pull out the aces when the time is right.
JANET:
This is no time for card tricks, Brad, are you sure we’ll be alright?
BRAD:
I’m sure, Janet.
(to COLUMBIA, MAGENTA and RIFF RAFF) Uh. Hi, there – I’m Brad Majors, this is Janet Weiss – my fiancée- You are…
COLUMBIA:
You’re very lucky to be invited up to Frank’s laboratory, a lot of people would give their right arm for the privilege.
BRAD:
People like you maybe.
COLUMBIA:
I’ve seen it.
JANET:
Is he… is Frank… your husband?
RIFF RAFF:
The master is not yet married, nor do I think ever will be – we are simply his servants.
JANET:
Then he’s very lucky.
MAGENTA:
Yeah – you’re lucky – I’m lucky – he’s lucky we’re all lucky…
COLUMBIA:
All except Eddie.
RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA:
SSHHH!!!
JANET:
Eddie?
MAGENTA:
The delivery boy.
RIFF RAFF:
SSHHH!!!
COLUMBIA:
His delivery wasn’t good enough.
RIFF RAFF:
The master only wanted to help the boy better his position.
BRAD:
That’s very commendable…
RIFF RAFF:
Yes, it seems like only yesterday since he went…
JANET:
Where?
RIFF RAFF:
To pieces.
It’s astounding – Time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely – not for very much longer
I’ve got to keep control.
I remember doing the time warp
Drinking those moments when
The Blackness would hit me
The void would be calling
ALL:
Let’s do the Time Warp again
Let’s do the Time Warp again
NARRATOR
(MR. BASSMAN): It’s just a jump to the left
ALL: And then a step to the right
NARRATOR: With your hands on your hips
ALL: You bring your knees in tight
TRIO: But it’s the pelvic thrust
That starts to drive you insane
ALL: Let’s do the time warp again (twice)
MAGENTA: It’s so dreamy – oh Fantasy Free Me
So you can’t see me – no not at all
In another dimension – with voyeuristic intention
Well secluded – I’ll see all
With a bit of a mind flip – you’re there in the
time slip
Nothing can ever be the same
You’re spaced out on sensation
Like you’re under sedation
Let’s do the time warp again (twice)
(MAGENTA and RIFF RAFF make an
extraterrestial sign to each other)
COLUMBIA: Well I was walking down the street
Just having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
Well it shook me up, it took me by surprise
He had a pick up truck and the devil’s eyes
Oh – he stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing – never would again
ALL: Let’s do the time warp again (twice)
CHORUS REPEAT
(COLUMBIA dances to half a verse
of “Time Warp” as sung by other two)
ALL:
Let’s do the Time Warp again (twice)
SCENE FOUR
The laboratory
FRANK:
Unlock a mind – unmind a lock – it’s the same as the beginning of the end – do you follow?
JANET:
No.
BRAD:
It’s an anagram, Janet.
FRANK:
I wonder may I offer you something refreshing.
BRAD & JANET:
No.
FRANK:
No. You’re right I won’t – how delightful to have fresh faces around. Magenta – Columbia – go and assist Riff Raff – I will entertain – Ahh.
BRAD:
Brad Majors.
FRANK:
Brad Majors.
BRAD:
And this is my fiancée Janet Weiss.
JANET:
Weiss.
BRAD:
Weiss.
FRANK:
Enchanté. How nice – and what charming underclothes you both have – but here, put these on. Oh but here. Thank you thing.
(He hands them robes)
It’ll make you feel less vulnerable. We don’t often receive visitors here, let alone show them hospitality…
BRAD:
Hospitality! All we wanted was to use your phone, a reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore.
JANET:
Don’t be ungrateful, Brad.
BRAD:
Ungrateful!!
FRANK:
How forceful you are, Brad, what a perfect example of manhood – so dominant – you must be very proud, Janet.
JANET:
Yes.
FRANK:
Tell me Brad, do you have any tattoos?
BRAD:
Certainly not.
FRANK:
Oh well… (to JANET) How about you?
(Enter RIFF RAFF)
RIFF RAFF:
Everything is in readiness master, we merely wait for you to give the word.
FRANK:
Tonight, Brad and Janet, Paradise is to be mine…
JANET:
Oh how wonderful for you.
FRANK:
It was strange the way it happened one of those quirks of fate really one of those moments when… Everything looks black the chips are down.
Your back is against the wall. You panic – you’re trapped – there’s no way out and even if there was it would probably be a one way ticket to the bottom of the bay. And then suddenly you get a break – all the pieces seem to fit into place – what a sucker you’d been – what a fool – the answer was there all the time – it took a small accident to make it happen.
(All look at FRANK in blank amazement)
FRANK:
An accident
(MAGENTA and COLUMBIA repeat “accident”)
Oh God, that’s how I discovered the secret – that elusive ingredient – that spark that is the breath of life. Yes – I have that knowledge I hold the key to life itself you see Brad and Janet you are fortunate for tonight is the time my beautiful creature is destined to be born…
Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator and then step the reactor power input up three more points…
JANET:
Brad!!
BRAD:
It’s alright, Janet.
ROCKY:
The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head
And I’ve got the feeling someone’s
Going to be cutting the thread
Oh woe is me – my life is a misery
Oh can’t you see that I’m at the start
of a pretty big downer
I woke up this morning with a start when
I fell out of the bed.
ALL:
That ain’t no crime.
ROCKY:
And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unamiable dread.
ALL:
That ain’t no crime.
My high is low – I’m dressed up with no place
to go and all I know is I’m at the
start of a pretty big downer.
ROCKY: (That ain’t no crime)
Oh no no no no
ALL: (Sha la la la that ain’t no crime)
ROCKY: (That ain’t no crime)
Oh no no no no
ALL: (Sha la la la that ain’t no crime)
(That ain’t no crime)
NARRATOR: Rocky Horror you need peace of mind – and I want
to tell you that you’re doing just fine
You’re the product of another time and
feeling down well that’s no crime.
ALL: That ain’t no crime.
ROCKY: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head
ALL: That ain’t no crime.
ROCKY: And I’ve got the feeling someone’s going
be cutting the thread.
ALL: That ain’t no crime.
ROCKY: Oh woe is me – my life is a mystery
Oh can’t you see that I’m at the start
of a pretty big downer.
(That ain’t no crime)
Oh no no no no
(Sha la la la that ain’t no crime)
FRANK: Well really – that’s no way to behave on your
first day out.
ROCKY:
Well nobody’s perfect – But I do think you made a pretty good job of the body work.
FRANK:
You are the result of may hours of toil – and now my beautiful creature you’re ready for the ultimate test.
ROCKY:
Oh dear.
FRANK:
But first meet the family, Magenta, Rocky.
MAGENTA:
Hello Rocky.
ROCKY:
Hello Magenta.
FRANK:
Riff Raff – Rocky.
RIFF RAFF:
Hello Rocky.
ROCKY:
Hello Riff Raff.
FRANK:
Columbia – Rocky.
COLUMBIA:
Hello Rocky.
ROCKY:
Hello Columbia.
FRANK:
Hello. Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think?
JANET:
I don’t like men with too many muscles.
FRANK:
I didn’t make him for you dear.
He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval –
A weakling weighing 98 pounds
Got sand in his face when kicked to the ground
His girl split on him
And soon in the gym
The sweat from his pores
As he worked for his cause
Made him glisten and gleam
And with massage and steam
He was thin but quite clean
He was in good shape
ALL:
But the wrong shape
FRANK:
He ate nutritious High-Protein
And swallowed raw eggs
Tried to build up his shoulders,
His chest, arms and legs
Then a magazine advert with a new muscle plan
(said)
ALL:
In just seven days I can make you a man.
FRANK:
He’d done press ups and chin ups
Clean and jerked. Done the Snatch
Thought dynamic tension must be a catch
So he re-read the advert to see how it ran
ALL:
In just seven days I can make you a man.
(A large container 6’6″ – 7′ high –
4.5′ wide resembling a 1940’s fridge
with the “Eddie” air-brushed on the
door becomes lit – the door opens
– “Eddie” appears.
COLUMBIA: Eddie.
He is battered and shows the
occasional seam, wearing extremely
thick crepe soled shoes, (black
leather drainpipes, skin tight) –
drape coat – no tie, open necked.
(Must hint of Frankenstein’s Monster)
Clothes mustn’t look new. INTO –
EDDIE: Whatever happened to Saturday night
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright
It don’t seem the same since cosmic light
Came into my life and I thought I was divine
I used to go for a ride with a chick who’d go
And listen to the music on the radio
A saxophone was blowing on a Rock and Roll Show
And you climbed in the back and you really had
A good time
ALL: Hot Patootie bless my soul
I really love that Rock and Roll (four times)
EDDIE: My head used to swim from the perfume I smelt
My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
I’d taste her baby pink lipstick and that’s when
I’d melt
And she’d whisper in my ear tonight she really was
mine
Get back in front and put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song
With your arm round your girl you’d try to
sing along
You felt pretty good cause you’d really had
A good time.
ALL: Hot Patootie bless my soul
I really love that Rock and Roll. (Repeat 8 times)
(EDDIE exits back into the container)
FRANK: One from the vaults.
ROCKY: How can you keep him around. He’s so ugly.
FRANK: A certain naive charm
But no muscle
We had a mental relationship –
But a deltoid and a bicep
A hot groin and a tricep
Makes me shake
Makes me want to take
Charles Atlas by the hand.
ALL: In just seven days I can make you a man.
FRANK: I don’t want no dissension
Just dynamic tension
JANET: I’m a muscle fan.
ALL: In just seven days I can make you a man.
FRANK: Dig it if you can.
ALL: In just seven days I can make you a man.
(BLACKOUT)
NARRATOR: There are those who say that life is an illusion –
And reality as we know it, is merely a figment of
our imaginations. If this is so, Brad and Janet are
quite safe. But – there are some who have a far
more physical philosophy – those who would stop at
nothing to satisfy their base desires –
It could be that Brad and Janet are among those who
hold the devil’s reins.