THAT FACE
LEO:
The urge to merge can rob us of our senses
The need to breed can make a man a drone
We must be on alert with our defenses
For every skirt will test testosterone
So knowing this I severed all connection
With any creature sporting silk or lace
I was firmly headed in the right direction
When suddenly I stumbled on that face
That face, that face
That dangerous face
I mustn’t be unwise
Those lips, that nose, those eyes
Could lead to my demise
That face, that face
That marvelous face
I never should begin
Those cheeks, that neck, that chin
Will surely do me in
I must be smart
And hide my heart
If she’s within a mile
If I don’t duck
I’m out of luck
She’d kill me with her smile
That face, that face
That fabulous face
It’s clear I must beware
I’m certain if I fall in love
I’m lost without a trace
But it’s worth it…
For that face
ULLA:
That face, that face
That lovable face
It melts my Swedish heart
LEO:
I’m certain if I fall in love
I’m lost without a trace…
LEO & ULLA:
But it’s worth it for…
That face
HABEN SIE GEHÖRT DAS DEUTSCHE BAND?
FRANZ:
Haben sie gehört das Deutsche Band
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Aaah, haben sie gehört das Deutsche Band
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Russian folksongs und French oo-la-la
Can’t compare with a German oom-pah-pah!
Ve’re sayin’…
Haben sie gehört das Deutsche Band
Mit a zetz, mit a zap, mit a zing…
Polish polkas, they’re stupid und they’re rotten
It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that
Schweigen-reigen-schöne-schützen-schmützen sauerbraten!
Key change!
Ve’re sayin’…
Haben sie gehört das Deutsche Band
Mit a zetz, mit a zap, mit a zing…
It’s ze only kind of musik
Zat ve huns und our honeys
Love to sing!
MAX:
That’s our Hitler!
OPENING NIGHT (REPRISE)
USHERETTE #1 AND #2:
Opening night…
It’s opening night!
It’s Max Bialystock’s latest show
Will it flop or will it go?
The house lights are dimming
The footlights are bright
The toast of society’s burning tonight!
We’re so excited we can’t sit down
‘Cause Springtime for Hitler has come to town!
YOU NEVER SAY GOOD LUCK ON OPENING NIGHT
ROGER:
Ah, it’s Bialystock and Bloom. Well, gentlemen … merde!
CARMEN:
Toi, toi, toi
FRANZ:
Hals und Beinbruch!
LEO:
And I just want to wish everybody … good luck!
CARMEN:
Ahhhhh!
ROGER:
Mr. Bloom, hasn’t anyone ever told you…
It’s bad luck to say “good luck” on opening night
If you do, I tell you
It is certain by the curtain
You are through!
MAX:
Good luck!
CARMEN:
It’s bad luck to say “good luck” on opening night
Once it’s said, you are dead
You will get the worst reviews
You’ve ever read!
MAX:
Good luck!
ROGER:
Even at the Comédie-Française,
On the opening night they are scared
“Bon chance, mes amis”, no one says
The only word you ever hear is…
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
Merde!
MAX:
Good luck, good luck, good luck
FRANZ:
It’s verboten, vishing “luck” on opening night
Take advice, don’t think twice
Or your show will surely end
Up in the Scheiss!
MAX:
Guten lucken.
CARMEN:
At the famous La Scala in Milan
On opening night it’s a rule
“In boccu lupa” they say with élan
And just for luck they all shout…
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
“Bah fongool!”
LEO:
I got it!
Now I’ll never say “good luck” on opening night
That’s the rule, I’m no fool!
What do I say, I beg?
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
What you say is “break a leg”!
LEO:
Break a leg?
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
Yes, break a leg!
LEO, ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
If you’re clever…
MAX:
Good luck!
LEO, ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
You’ll endeavour
To never, never, never, never
Ever, ever, ever say…
…on opening night!
SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER
CHORUS:
Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore
Its former glory
Where, oh, where was he?
Where could that man be?
We looked around and then we found
The man for you and me
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
And now it’s…
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Deutschland is happy and gay!
We’re marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the master race!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Rhineland’s a fine land once more!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Watch out, Europe
We’re going on tour!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany…
CHORUS:
Look, it’s springtime
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
Winter for Poland and France
CHORUS AND STORMTROOPER:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
CHORUS:
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
STORMTROOPER:
Come on, Germans
Go into your dance!
STORMTROOPER “ROLF”:
I was born in Düsseldorf und that is why they call me Rolf.
STORMTROOPER “MEL”:
Don’t be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Nazi party!
ULLA:
The Führer is coming, the Führer is coming, the Führer is coming!
STORMTROOPER #1:
Heil Hitler!
STORMTROOPER #2:
Heil Hitler!
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
Heil Hitler!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
ALL:
Heil Hitler!
ROGER:
Heil myself
Heil to me
I’m the kraut
Who’s out to change our history
Heil myself
Raise your hand
There’s no greater
Dictator in the land!
Everything I do, I do for you!
CHORUS:
Yes, you do!
ROGER:
If you’re looking for a war, here’s World War Two!
Heil myself
Raise your beer
CHORUS:
Jawohl!
ROGER:
Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi stand and cheer
CHORUS:
Hooray!
Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi…
ROGER:
Heil myself!
CHORUS:
Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi…
ROGER:
Heil myself!
CHORUS:
Ev’ry hotsy-totsy Nazi…
ROGER:
…stand and cheer!
THE HEIL-LOs:
The Führer is causing a furor!
He’s got those Russians on the run
You gotta love that wacky hun!
The Führer is causing a furor
They can’t say “no” to his demands
They’re freaking out in foreign lands
He’s got the world world in his hands
The Führer is causing a furor!
ROGER:
I was just a paper hanger
No one more obscurer
Got a phone call from the Reichstag
Told me I was Führer
Germany was blue
What, oh, what to do?
Hitched up my pants
And conquered France
Now Deutschland’s smiling through!
But it wasn’t always so easy…
It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I…
I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break.
Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And, would you believe it?
They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!
It ain’t no myst’ry
If it’s politics or hist’ry
The thing you gotta know is
Ev’rything is show biz
Heil myself
Watch my show
I’m the German Ethel Merman
Dontcha know
We are crossing borders
The new world order is here
Make a great big smile
Ev’ryone sieg heil to me
Wonderful me!
And now it’s…
|
CHORUS: Springtime for Hitler and Germany Goose-step’s the new step today |
ROGER: Springtime! Goose-steps! |
CHORUS MEN:
Bombs falling from the skies again
CHORUS:
Deutschland is on the rise again
ROGER & CHORUS:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
U-boats are sailing once more
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
ROGER:
Means that…
CHORUS:
Soon we’ll be going…
ROGER:
We’ve got to be going…
CHORUS:
You know we’ll be going….
ROGER:
You bet we’ll be going…
ROGER & CHORUS:
You know we’ll be going to war!!
WHERE DID WE GO RIGHT?
MAX:
Look at these reviews!
“A satiric masterpiece.”
LEO:
No way out.
MAX:
“A surprise smash!”
LEO:
No way out.
MAX:
“It was shocking, outrageous, insulting…and I loved every minute of it!”
LEO:
No way out.
MAX:
How could this happen?
The show was lousy and long
We did everything wrong
Where did we go right?
LEO:
“Christmas came early to Broadway this year –
and guess who they stuffed in our stocking? Adolf Hitler!”
MAX:
It was so crass and so crude
Even Goebbels would’ve booed
Where did we go right?
LEO:
“Last night a star was born on Broadway – the lovely Miss Ulla
Inga Hansen Bensen Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden-Svanson.
We predict that her name will soon be up in lights. If they can find enough bulbs.
MAX & LEO:
We searched Broadway on and off
For singers with a cough
We had tryouts and auditions by the score
And to trip the light fantastic
We picked dancers who were spastic
If anyone jetéd, we jetéd them out the door!
MAX:
They shouted hooray
For that sausage on display
Where did we go right?
LEO:
Our leading man was so gay
He nearly flew away
Where did we go right?
MAX:
A show so easy to despise…
LEO:
Now it’s up for the Pulitzer Prize!
MAX & LEO:
Oh, where, oh, where, tell us
Where did we go right?
MAX:
“The best new music of the decade! Max Bialystock is a theatricl genius!”
Now they like me!
Oh, we knew we couldn’t lose
MAX & LEO:
Half the audience were Jews!
LEO:
It’s the end of our careers
MAX:
It’ll run for twenty years!
MAX & LEO:
Tell us where…
Did we go right?!
BETRAYED
GUARD:
Mail call! Here ya go, Bialystock, ya got a postcard.
MAX:
A postcard? From where?
GUARD:
Brazil.
MAX:
Brazil? Who do I know in Brazil?
Dear Max,
Rio is everything you said it was and more. Ulla and I think of you
every chance we get. In the morning, whe nwe have breakfast on our terrace,
many different herrings. And in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight.
Sorry, must run. Ulla’s waiting, it’s almost eleven.
Wish you were here, Leo
Just like Cain and Abel
You pulled a sneak attack
I thought that we were brothers
Then you stabbed me in the back
Betrayed!
Oh boy, I’m so betrayed!
Like Samson and Delilah
Your love began to fade
I’m crying in the hoosegow
You’re in Rio getting laid!
Betrayed!
Let’s face it, I’m betrayed!
Boy, have I been taken
Oy, I’m so forsaken
I should have seen what came to pass
I should have known to watch my ass!
I feel like Othello
Everything is lost
Leo is Iago
Max is double-crossed!
I’m so dismayed
Did I mention I’m betrayed?
I used to be the king
But now I am the fool
A captain with a ship
A rabbi without a shul!
Now I’m about to go to jail
There’s no one who will pay my bail
I have no one who I can cry to
No one I can say goodbye to
I’m drowning! I’m drowning here! I’m going down for the last time.
I see my whole life flashing before my eyes. I see a weathered old
farmhouse with a white picket fence. I’m running through fields of
alfalfa with my collie, Rex. Stop it, Rex! I see my mother standing
on the back porch, in a worn but clean gingham gown, and I hear her
calling out to me, “Alvin! Don’t forget your chores. The wood needs
a-cordin and the cows need a-milkin’. Alvin, Alvin…” Wait a minute!
My name’s not Alvin! That’s not my life. I’m not a hillbilly.
I grew up in the Bronx. Leo’s taken everything. Even my past!
My past’s a dying ember
But wait…now I remember
How did it begin?
He walked into my office
With his cockamamie scheme
You can make more money
With a flop than with a hit
“We can do it, we can do it”
“I can’t do it”
“We can do it!”
“I can’t do it!” Goodbye Max!
Lord, I want that money!
I’m back, Max!
“Come on, Leo, we can do it!”
Step one, find the play!
Hello, Mister Liebkind
“Guten Tag, hop clop
“Guten Tag, hop clop”
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?
“Guten Tag, hop clop
“Guten Tag, hop clop!”
Step two, hire the director
“Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it…”
Two-three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn
Ulla!
Oooh wah wah woo-woo- wah-wah
Step three, raise the money
“Along came Bialy!”
Intermission!
Step four, hire all the actors
“A wandering minstrel I,
A think of shreds and…
Next! The little wooden boy
Next! That’s our Hitler!
“Opening night!”
Good luck, good luck, good luck
Break a leg! I broke my leg!
“Springtime for Hitler and Germany!”
A surprise smash!
“Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
It’ll run for years!
“Where did we go right?
Where did we go right?”
Gimme those books
Fat, fat, fatty!
Gimme those books
Books, fat
Books, fat
Books, fat
Books, fat!
Lousy fruit
Kill the actors
You ever eatwith one?!
Then you ran to Rio
And you’re safely out of reach
I’m behind these bars
You’re banging Ulla on the beach!
Just like Julius Caesar
Was betrayed by Brutus
Who’d think an accountant
Would turn out to be my Judas!
I’m so dismayed
Is this how I’m repaid?
To be…
Betrayed!
Betrayed!!
‘TIL HIM
LEO:
Your honour…when I was in Rio, and had everything I’d ever dreamed of
I suddenly realized that … this man… this man…
No one every made me feel like someone
‘Til him
Life was really nothing but a glum one
‘Til him
My existence bordered on the tragic
Always timid, never took a chance
Then I felt his magic
And my heart began to dance
I was always frightened, fraught with worry…
‘Til him
I was going nowhere in a hurry
‘Til him
He filled up my empty life
Filled it to the brim
There could never ever be
Another one…like him
MAX:
Leo, I … I never realized … you’re a good singer.
LEO:
Thank you, Max. I sang it for you. I sang it because I’m your friend.
MAX:
You are? Gee, I’ve had a lot of relationships, but you couldn’t call any
of them friend. But come to think of it.
No one ever ever really knew me
‘Til him
Everyone was always out to screw me
‘Til him
Never met I man I ever trusted
Alawys dealt with shysters in the past
Now I’m well adjusted
‘Cause I’ve got a friend at last
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
Aaaaaaaahh!
MAX:
Don’t help me.
Always playing singles, never doubles
‘Til him
Never had a pal to share my troubles
‘Til him
LEO:
He filled up my emply life
LEO & MAX:
Filled it to the brim
LEO:
There could never ever be
Another one … like him
PRISONERS OF LOVE (LEO & MAX)
JUDGE:
Gentlemen, it breaks my heart to break up such a beautiful friendship.
So I won’t. Five years in the state penitentiary at Sing Sing.
CONVICT #1:
Gotta sing … sing!
CONVICT #2:
Gotta sing … sing!
MAX:
Okay, boys, break’s over. Let’s take it from the top.
CONVICT #1:
This is good! Hey Bloom, put me in for ten grand.
MAX & CONVICTS:
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
Can’t keep our hearts in jail
MAX:
Tempo, fellas!
Pick up the tempo!
MAX & CONVICTS:
Prisoners of love
Our turtle doves
LEO:
Don’t forget the balcony!
MAX & CONVICTS:
Soon coming ’round with bail
LEO:
Sing out, boys! Let ’em hear you in solitary!
MAX & CONVICTS:
Oh, you can lock us up
And lose the key
But hearts in love
Are always free!
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
‘Cause we’re still prisoners
MAX:
Take it home, boys. We open in Leavenworth Saturday night.
MAX & CONVICTS:
We’re still prisoners
We’re still prisoners of love
PRISON GUARD:
Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind, good news! This just came from the governor:
“Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having –
through song and dance – brought joy and laughter into the hearts of
every murderer, rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing.”
You’re free!
LEO:
Free!
MAX:
Next stop, Broadway!
MAX & CONVICTS:
But hearts in love are always free!
ULLA & GIRL PRISONERS:
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
Can’t keep our hearts in jail!
ROGER:
Can’t keep our hearts in jail!
ULLA & GIRL PRISONERS:
Prisoners of love
Our turtle doves
ROGER:
Soon coming ’round with bail
ULLA & GIRL PRISONERS:
Tote that bale!
MALE PRISONERS:
You can lock us up
and lose the key
ALL:
But hearts in love are always free!
ROGER, ULLA & ALL PRISONERS:
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
‘Cause we’re still prisoners…
We’re still prisoners…
We’re still prisoners of love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
LEO & MAX:
Leo and Max
Up off our backs
Back on the Great White Way!
Leo and Max
Back on our tracks
We’re back on top to stay!
So when we take your money, never fear
We’ll knock Broadway right on its ear
The cast is great
The script is swell
But this we’re tellin’ you, sirs
It’s just no go, you got no show
Without the producers!
We’ll never quit
Hit after hit
You and me-o
We guarantee-o
You’re lookin’ at Leo
And Max!!
ENTIRE ENSEMBLE:
The producers, Leo and Max!
GOODBYE!
ALL:
Thanks for coming to see our show
Sad to tell you we got to go
Grab your hat and head for the door
In case you didn’t notice, there ain’t any more!
If you like our show tell ev’ryone but…
If you think it stinks, keep your big mouth shut!
We’re gald you came but we have to shout
Adios, au revoir, wiedersehen, ta-ta-ta
Goodbye…get lost…get out!!