OPENING NIGHT
USHERETTE #1 & #2:
Opening night…
It’s opening night!
It’s Max Bialystock’s latest show
Will it flop or will it go?
The cast is taking its final bow
Here comes the audience now
The doors are open: they’re on their way…
Let’s hear what they have to say!
FIRST NIGHTERS:
He’s done it again
He’s done it again
Max Bialystock has done it again!
We can’t believe it
You can’t conceive it…
MAN FIRST NIGHTER:
How’d he achieve it?
FIRST NIGHTERS:
It’s the worst show in town!
We sat there sighing
Groaning and crying
There’s no denying
It’s the worst show in town!
WOMEN FIRST NIGHTERS:
Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss…
MEN FIRST NIGHTERS:
We’ve seen shit…
FIRST NIGHTERS:
But never like this!
Max Bialystock has done it again!
The songs were rotten
The book was stinkin’
What he did to Shakespeare
Booth did to Lincoln!
We couldn’t leave faster…
USHERETTE #1 & #2:
What a disaster!
FIRST NIGHTERS & USHERETTES:
We are still in shock
Who produced this shlock?
That slimey, sleazy Max Bialystock
What a bum!!
THE KING OF BROADWAY
MAX:
I used to be the king, the king of old Broadway
The best of ev’rything was mine to have each day
I always had the biggest hits
The biggest bathrooms at the Ritz
My showgirls had the biggest tits!
I never was the pits in any way!
WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY:
We believe you, thousands wouldn’t
We believe you, ev’ry word
We believe you, thousands couldn’t
We believe each word we’ve heard
MAX:
I used to be the king…
WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY:
The King?
MAX:
The king of old Broadway…
BLIND VIOLINIST:
It’s good to be the king!
MAX:
My praises they would sing
A Ziegfeld so they’d say
My shows were always filled with class
The best champagnes would fill my glass
My lap was filled with gorgeous ass
You couldn’t call me crass in any way!
WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY, VIOLINIST, USHERETTES, NUNS, STREET CLEANER:
We believe you, thousands wouldn’t
We believe you, ev’ry word
We believe you, thousands couldn’t
We believe each word we’ve heard
MAX:
There was a time
When I was young and gay…
But straight
There was a time
When I was bold
There was a time
When each and ev’ry play I touched
Would turn to gold
CHORUS:
There was a time
He wore the finest clothes
His shoes were always new
Ahh!
MAX:
Now I wear a rented tux
That’s two weeks overdue!
| CHORUS:
Poor Bialy, what a shmoozer Poor Bialy, what a shame Poor Bialy, what a loser Poor Bialy, goodbye fame |
MAX:
Rented tux… Overdue… Way overdue |
MAX:
Such reviews! How dare they insult me in this manner?
How quickly they forget. I am Max Bialystock!
The first producer ever to do summer stock in the winter!
CHORUS:
Once he was the king…
MAX:
You’ve heard of Theatre in the Round?
You’re looking at the man who invented Theatre in the Square!
Nobody had a good seat!
CHORUS:
King of old Broadway
MAX:
I’ve spent my entire life in the theater.
I was a protégé of the great Boris Tomaschevski.
CHORUS:
Ooh!
MAX:
Yes. He taught me everything I know.
I’ll never forget, he turned to me on his deathbed and said,
“Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!”
NUN #1:
What does that mean?
MAX:
Who knows? I don’t speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he.
But in my heart I knew what he was saying.
He was saying, when you’re down and out, and everybody thinks you’re finished,
that’s the time to stand up on your two feet and shout,
“Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town?!”
CHORUS:
Yay!
| MAX:
I used to be the king The king of old Broadway Again I will be king And be on top to stay |
CHORUS: Used to be the king King of old Broadway On top to stay, hey! |
MAX:
There’ll be gala opening nights again
You’ll see my name in lights again
I’ll go from dark to brights again
My spirits high as kites again
I’ll never suffer slights again
I’ll taste those sweet delights again
No plethora of plights again
No blossoming of blights again
No frantic fits or frights again
Fame is in my sights again
I’ll take those fancy flights again
I’m gonna scare the heights again
Bialystock will never drop
Bialystock will never stop…
Bialystock will be on top again
CHORUS:
Fame is in his sights again
He’ll take those fancy flights again
He’s gonna scale the heights again
| MAX:
I’ll be on top again, hey! |
CHORUS:
He’ll be on top again, hey! |
WE CAN DO IT
MAX:
Don’t you see, Bloom. Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom. It’s so simple.
Step One: we find the worst play ever written.
Step Two: we hire the worst director in town.
Step Three: I raise two million dollars…
LEO:
Two?
MAX:
Yes! One for me, one for you. There’s a lot of little old ladies out there.
Step Four: We hire the worst actors in New York and open on Broadway.
And before you can say Step Five, we close on Broadway, take our two million and go to Rio.
LEO:
Rio? Nah, that’d never work.
MAX:
Oh ye of little faith.
What did Lewis say to Clark
When everything looked bleak?
What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing
As they struggled toward Everest’s peak?
What did Washington say to his troops
As they crossed the Delaware
I’m sure you’re well aware…
LEO:
What’d they say?
MAX:
We can do it, we can do it
We can do it, me and you
We can do it, we can do it
We can make our dreams come true
Everything you’ve ever wanted
Is just waiting to be had
Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls
Caressing you, undressing you
And driving you mad
We can do it, we can do it
This is not the time to shirk
We can do it, you won’t rue it
Say goodbye to petty clerk
Hi, producer: yes, producer
I mean you, sir, go beserk!
We can do it, we can do it
And I know it’s gonna work
Whatta ye say, Bloom?
LEO:
What do I say
Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer!
What do I say?
Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir!
What do I say, what do I say
Here’s what I say to you, sir…
I can’t do it, I can’t do it
I can’t do it, that’s not me
I’m a loser, I’m a coward
I’m a chicken, don’t you see?
When it comes to wooing women
There’s a few things that I lack
Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls…
Cashing me, embracing me
I’d have an attack
MAX:
Why, you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar!
Don’t you ever want to become a butterfly?
Don’t you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?
| MAX:
We can do it We can do it We can grab that holy grail! We can do it We can do it Drink champagne, not ginger ale Come on, Leo Can’t you see-o … |
LEO:
Mr. Bialystock Please stop the song You’ve got me wrong I’ll say “so long” I’m not as strong A person as you think Mr. Bialystock Just take a look I’m not a crook I’m just a shnook The bottom line Is that I stink! I…can’t… Do…it! |
LEO:
You see Rio, I see jail!
MAX:
We can do it!
LEO:
I can’t do it!
MAX:
We can do it!
LEO:
I cannot, cannot, cannot
‘Cause I know it’s gonna fail
MAX:
We can do it!
| MAX:
I know it cannot fail |
LEO:
It’s gonna fail |
I WANNA BE A PRODUCER
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy…unhappy..very unhappy
Unhappy…unhappy…
Very very very very very
Very very unhappy
BLACK ACCOUNTANT:
Oh, I debits all duh mornin’
An’ I credits all duh eb’nin
Until dem ledgers be right
LEO & THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Until dem ledgers be right
LEO:
I spend my life accounting
With figures and such
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy
LEO:
To what is my life amounting
It figures, not much
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy
LEO:
I have a secret desire
Hiding deep in my soul
It sets my heart afire
To see me in this role
I wanna be a producer
With a hit show on Broadway
I wanna be a producer
Lunch at Sardi’s every day
I wanna be a producer
Sport a top hat and a cane
I wanna be a producer
And drive those chorus girls insane!
I wanna be a producer
And sleep until half-past two
I wanna be a producer
And say, “You, you, you, not you”
I wanna be a producer
Wear a tux on op’ning nights!
I wanna be a producer
And see my name “Leo Bloom” in lights!
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
LEO:
Sell it, girls!
CHORUS GIRLS:
Of a great big Broadway smash
LEO:
Don’t forget the balcony!
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
Ev’ry pocket stuffed with cash
He wants to be a producer
Pinch our cheeks ’til we cry
CHORUS GIRL #1:
Ouch!
CHORUS GIRL #2:
Eek!
CHORUS GIRL #3:
Ooh!
CHORUS GIRL #4:
Oh!
CHORUS GIRL #5:
Ahh!
CHORUS GIRL #6:
Yes!
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
With a great big casting couch!
LEO:
I wanna be…
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be…
LEO:
I wanna be…
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be…
LEO:
I wanna be the greatest, grandest
And most fabulous producer in the world
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
He wants to dine with a duchess and a duke
LEO:
I just gotta be a producer
Drink champagne until I puke
CHORUS GIRLS:
Drink champagne ’til he pukes!
LEO:
I wanna be a producer
Show the world just what I’ve got
I’m gonna put on shows
That will enthrall ’em
CHORUS GIRLS & LEO:
Read my name in Winchell’s column!
LEO:
I wanna be a producer
‘Cause it’s everything I’m not
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy…unhappy…
So unhappy
LEO & THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Very very very very very
very very…
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
…sad
LEO:
I wanna be a producer
Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right!
There is a lot more to me than there is to me!
Stop the world, I wanna get on!
MARKS:
Bloom, where do you think you’re going?
LEO:
Mr. Marks, I’ve got news for you. I quit!
Here’s my visor…my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil… and my big finish!
I’m gonna be a producer
Sound the horn and beat the drum
I’m gonna be a producer
Look out Broadway, here I come!!
CHORUS GIRLS & ACCOUNTANTS:
Broadway, here he comes!
IN OLD BAVARIA
FRANZ:
Oh, how I miss ze hills und dales und vales und trails of old Bavaria
Oh, it’s such bliss to kiss the Miss I miss like this in old Bavaria
Oh, ze meadows und ze mountains und ze sky
Not to mention hordes of brown shirts passing by…
Bring a tear to every single Nazi eye
In old – I’m talking old – Bavaria!
DER GUTEN TAG HOP-CLOP
FRANZ:
You will join me in singing and dancing the Führer’s favourite tune:
“Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop”! All right, key of E?
MAX:
Is there any other?
FRANZ:
Vunderbar! Eins, zwei, drei…
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
Ach du lieber
Und oh boy!
Guten Tag clap clap
Guten Tag slap slap
Ach du lieber
Vat a joy!
Oh, ve essen und fressen
Und tanze und trinken
Tanzen und trinken
Until ve get stinkin!
Everybody!
FRANZ, MAX & LEO:
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop…
FRANZ:
Guten Tag
Meine liebe Schatz
So ve hop our hops
Und ve clop our clops
Und ve drink our Schnapps
‘Til ve plotz!
Vunderbar! Gentlemen, I like your dancing.
MAX:
Thank you.
FRANZ:
You may produce my play…
MAX:
Excellent!
FRANZ:
…but only if you vill take the Siegfried Oath.
I solemnly svear…
MAX & LEO:
I solemnly svear…
FRANZ:
…to obey the sacred Seigfried Oath…
MAX & LEO:
…to obey the sacred Seigfriend Oath…
FRANZ:
…und…
MAX:
…und…
LEO:
…und…
FRANZ:
…never, never, never…
MAX & LEO:
…never, never, never…
FRANZ:
…dishonour ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler!
MAX & LEO:
Dishonour the … Elizabeth?
FRANZ:
Ja. That vas his middle name.
Not many people know it, but the Führer was descended
from a long line of English queens.
MAX:
Really?
MAX & LEO:
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
FRANZ:
Gut! So now I sign your contract.
MAX:
Ah, you won’t regret this.
So, thank you, Herr Liebkind.
FRANZ:
Broadvay. Wait til they hear about this in Argentina!
Ach, mein lieblings!
Ve’re winkin und blinkin
Und clinken und drinken
Our Schnapps
‘Til ve plotz!
Heil you-know-who!
KEEP IT GAY
MAX:
Listen, Roger: did you get a chance yet to read Springtime for Hitler?
ROGER:
Read it? I devoured it! I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
MAX:
Yeah, how ’bout that? Then you’ll do it?
ROGER:
Do it? Of course not.
The theatre’s so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It’s hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more…
What’s the word?
LEO:
Gay?
ROGER:
Exactly!
No matter what you do on the stage
Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay!
Whether it’s murder, mayhem or rage
Don’t complain, it’s a pain
Keep it gay!
CARMEN:
People want laughter when they see a show
The last thing they’re after’s a litany of woe
ROGER & CARMEN:
A happy ending will pep up your play…
ROGER:
Oedipus won’t bomb…
CARMEN:
If he winds up with Mom!
Keep it gay!
ROGER:
Keep it gay…
ROGER & CARMEN:
Keep it gay!
MAX:
Couldn’t agree with you more. And you have our blessings, Roger,
to makeSpringtime for Hitler just as gay as anyone could possibly want.
So, c’mon, do it for us, please.
ROGER:
No, sorry, Max, but it’s simply not my cup of tea.
Still, fair is fair, perhaps I should ask my production team what they think.
This is my set designer, Bryan.
BRYAN:
Keep it glad, keep it mad, keep it gay!
ROGER:
And here’s my costume designer, Kevin.
KEVIN:
Hello…
Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!
BRYAN & KEVIN:
We’re clever, creative
It’s our job to see
That ev’rything’s perfect for Mr. De Bris!
ROGER:
Next, Scott, my choreographer…
SCOTT:
Hi there…
ROGER:
And, ah, finally, last and least, my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz.
SHIRLEY:
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
LEO:
I don’t think we’re getting to them, Max. What do we do now?
MAX:
Watch this. Roger, listen. I think that Springtime for Hitler
would be a marvelous opportunity for you. I mean, up to now,
you’ve always been associated with frivolous musicals.
ROGER:
You’re right. I’ve often felt as though I’ve been throwing my life away
on silly little entertainments. Deopy showgirls in gooey gowns.
Two-three-kick-turn! Turn-turn-kick-turn!
CARMEN:
Oh, Roger.
ROGER:
It’s enought to make you heave. Nonetheless, sorry, Max.
I just couldn’t do Springtime for Hitler
MAX:
Why not? Think of the prestige.
ROGER:
No.
MAX:
Think of the respect.
ROGER:
No, no, no.
MAX:
Think of … the Tony!
CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Tony…Tony…Tony…Tony…Tony!
ROGER:
Ngaaaaaahhhhh!
MAX:
What’s the matter?
LEO:
Is he all right?
CARMEN:
He’s having a stroke…
MAX & LEO:
What?
CARMEN:
…of genius!
ROGER:
I see it! I see it! At last. The chance to do something important!
CARMEN:
Roger de Bris presents history!
ROGER:
Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They’re losing the war? Excuse me. It’s too downbeat.
CARMEN:
Roger de Bris presents history!
ROGER:
But maybe…it’s a wile idea, but it just might work…
I see a line of beautiful girls
Dressed as storm troopers, each one a gem
With leather boots and whips on their hips
It’s risque, dare I say, S & M!
CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Love it!
ROGER:
I see German soldiers dancing through France
Played by chorus boys in very tight pants
And wait, there’s more – they win the war!br>
And the dances they do will be daring and new
Turn-turn-kick-turn, turn-turn-kick-turn
One-two-three-kick-turn!
Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it…
MAX:
That is brilliant. Brilliant! Roger, I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself
when I sawy that you are the only man in the world who can do justice
to Springtime for Hitler. Will you do it, please?
LEO:
Please.
ROGER:
Wait a minute. This is a very big decision. It might effect the course of my entire life.
I shall have to think about it…I’ll do it. I’ll do it!
Sabu, champagne!
ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
If at the end you want them to cheer
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Whether it’s Hamlet, Othello or Lear
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
CARMEN:
Comedy’s joyous, a constant delight
Dramas annoy us…
ROGER & CARMEN:
…and ruin our night.
ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
So keep your Strindbergs and Ibsens at bay…
ROGER:
I’ll sign…
KEVIN:
Sign…
BRYAN:
Sign…
SCOTT:
Sign…
CARMEN:
Sign…
SHIRLEY:
Sign…
MAX & LEO:
Sign…
ROGER:
Roger Elizabeth De Bris!
ALL:
Keep it gay!!
WHEN YOU GOT IT, FLAUNT IT
ULLA:
Ven you got it, flaunt it
Step right up and strut your stuff
People tell you modesty’s a wirtue
But in the theatre modesty can hurt you
Ven you got it, flaunt it
Show your assets, let them know you’re proud
Your goodies you must push
Stick out your chest, shake your tush
Ven you got it, shout it out loud
Now Ulla dance.
Ven you got it, show it
Put your hidden treasures on display
Violinists love to play an E-string
But audiences really love a G-string
Ven you got it, should it!
Let the whole vorld hear vat you’re about
Clothes may make the man
All a girl needs is a tan
Ven you got it, let it hang out!
Remember ven Ulla dance?
MAX & LEO:
Yeah!
ULLA:
Ulla dance again!
Ven I was yust a little girl in Sveden
My thoughtful mother gave me this advice
If nature blesses you from top to bottom
Show that top to bottow, don’t think twice
Now Ulla belt!
Don’t think twice!
Ven you got it, share it
Let the public feast upon your charms
People say that being prim is proper
But ev’ry showgirl knows that prim will stop her
Ven you got it, give it
Don’t be selfish, give it all a-vay
Don’t be shy, be bold ‘n’ cute
Show the boys your birthday suit
Ven you got it, if you got it
Once you got it, shout out hooray!
ALONG CAME BIALY
MAX:
The time has come
To be a lover from the Argentine
To slick my hair down with Brilliantine
And gargle heavily with Listerine
Wow!
It’s time for Max
To put his backers on their backs
And thrill them with amazing acts
Those aging nymphomaniacs…
Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah!
They were helpless
They were hopeless
Then along came Bialy!
They were joyless
They were boyless
Then along came Bialy!
They’re my angels
I’m their devil
And I keep those embers aglow
When I woos ’em
I can’t lose ’em
‘Cause I cast my spell ‘n’
They start yellin’
Fire down below!
They were listing
They were sinking
Then along came Bialy!
They were desp’rate
They were drinking
Then along came Bialy!
So romantic
They were frantic
Then their prayers were heard up above!
Heaven sent them
Their Bialy!
I’m the celebration of love!
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
We were helpless
We were hopeless
Then along came Bialy!
HOLD ME – TOUCH ME:
Life had passed us by
And love had stolen away
LICK ME – BITE ME:
At the end of our rope
We’d given up hope
Of one last roll in the hay
KISS ME – FEEL ME:
Discarded dolls
Abandoned wrecks
ALL 3 LITTLE OLD LADIES:
Condemned to a life
Of sitting and knitting
When all we really wanted was … sex!
MAX:
Ah, did you bring the checkee, my little turtledove?
HOLD ME – TOUCH ME:
Yes, but first, Bialy, can we please play one dirty little game?
MAX:
Here in broad daylight?
HOLD ME – TOUCH ME:
It’ll just be a quickie.
MAX:
Okay, what, what?
HOLD ME – TOUCH ME:
Let’s play the Distracted Tourist and the Ever-Watchful Orangutan.
MAX:
Are you trying to kill me? Please, I’m exhausted.
Let’s play one game with absolutely no sex.
HOLD ME – TOUCH ME:
What?
MAX:
How ’bout the Jewish Princess and Her Husband.
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
So romantic
We were frantic
Then our prayers were heard up above
Heaven sent us
Our Bialy!
He’s the celebration of love!
MAX:
Fire down below!
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
We were listing
We were sinking
Then along came Bialy!
We were desp’rate
We were drinking
Then along came Bialy!
So romantic
We were frantic
Then our prayers were heard up above!
It’s Bialy!
Hail, Bialy!
He’s the culmination
The restoration
The consummation
The titillation
Ejaculation
He’s the celebration of love…
MAX:
Bloom…Bloom!
LEO:
What, Max, what?
MAX:
I’ve done it! I’ve done it! Look, we got all the money.
Now all we have to do it put on the biggest flop in history!
LEO:
That’s great!
MAX & LEO:
We can do it, we can do it
We can make a million bucks!
ULLA:
Bialystock and Bloom, Bialystock and Bloom!
The show’s a go!
ROGER & CARMEN:
He’s raised the money, we’re on our way
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
We have our backing, oh, what a day
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Wonder of wonders, we have all our cash
Barring all blunders, we should have a smash!
We know that…we can do it!
ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Gay, gay, gay, gay…
Gay, gay, gay, gay…
Gay, gay, gay, gay
MAX & LEO:
We can do it! We can do it!
We can do it
We can make a million bucks!
Ev’rything we’ve ever wanted
Is set to come our way
We know that…we can do it!
We can make it, we won’t fake it
We were fated to be mated…
ULLA:
Bialystock and Bloom…
Bialystock and Bloom…
Bialystock and Bloom!
And Bloom!
Bialystock and Bloom!
And Bloom!
Bialystock and Bloom…
FRANZ:
Deutschland, Deutschland, über alles
Alles in der welt!
Deutschland, Deutschland, über alles
Alles in der welt!
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
Then along came Bialy!
We were desp’rate
We were drinking
Then along came Bialy!
Bialy was romantic
Our pulse became so frantic
It’s Bialy!
Hail Bialy!
ULLA & FRANZ:
Bialystock and Bloom…
ULLA, FRANZ, ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Bialystock and Bloom…
MAX, LEO, ULLA, FRANZ, ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Bialystock and Bloom!!
MAX & LEO:
We can do it…
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
They can do it…
ALL:
Say goodbye to woe and gloom
MAX & LEO:
We can do it…
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
Nothing to it…
ALL:
Can’t you hear that bing-bang-boom!!
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
With their brilliance
Their resilience
Up together they will zoom!
MAX & LEO:
We can’t miss!
| ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
They were fated to be mated They’re Bialystock and Bloom! |
MAX & LEO:
We’re Bialystock and Bloom! |