10.ASCOT GAVOTTE
LADIES & GENTLEMEN
Ev’ry duke and earl and peer is here
Ev’ryone who should be here is here.
What a smashing, positively dashing
Spectacle: the Ascot op’ning day.
At the gate are all the horses
Waiting for the cue to fly away.
What a gripping, absolutely ripping
Moment at the Ascot op’ning day.
Pulses rushing!
Faces flushing!
Heartbeats speed up!
I have never been so keyed up!
Any second now, they’ll begin to run.
Hark! A bell is ringing,
They are springing forward
Look! It has begun…!
What a frenzied moment that was!
Didn’t they maintain an exhausting pace?
‘Twas a thrilling, absolutely chilling
Running of the Ascot op’ning race.
11.ON THE STREET WHERE YOU LIVE
FREDDY
I have often walked down this street before
But the pavement always stayed
beneath my feet before;
All at once, am I
Several stories high.
Knowing I’m on the street where you live.
Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour
Out of ev’ry door?
No, it’s just on the street where you live.
And oh! The towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near.
The overpowering feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear.
People stop and stare.
They don’t bother me
For there’s no where else on earth
that I would rather be.
Let the time go by,
I won’t care if I
Can be here on the street where you live.
People stop and stare.
They don’t bother me
For there’s no where else on earth
that I would rather be.
Let the time go by,
I won’t care if I
Can be here on the street where you live.
12.YOU DID IT
PICKERING
Tonight old man you did it
You did it, you did it.
You said that you would do it
And indeed you did.
I thought that you would rue it
I doubted you’d do it
But now I must admit it
That succeed you did.
You should get a medal
Or be even made a knight.
HIGGINS
Oh! it was nothing, really nothing.
PICKERING
All alone you hurdled every obstacle in sight.
HIGGINS
Now wait, now wait, give credit where it’s due,
A lot of the glory goes to you!
PICKERING
But you’re the one who did it,
Who did it, who did it.
As sturdy as Gibraltar
Not a second did you falter.
There’s no doubt it
You did it.
I must have aged a year tonight
At times I thought I’d die of fright
Never was there a momentary lull.
HIGGINS
Shortly after we came in
I saw at once we’d easily win
And after that I found it deadly dull.
PICKERING
Aha! You should have heard the “ooh”s and “ahh”s
Everyone wondering who she was.
HIGGINS
You’d think they’d never seen a lady before.
PICKERING
And when the Prince of Transylvania asked to meet her
And gave his arm to lead her to the floor,
I said to him you did it
You did it, you did it.
They thought she was ecstatic
And so damned aristocratic
And they never knew that
You did it.
HIGGINS
Thank goodness for Zoltan Karpathy; if it hadn’t
been for him I’d have died of boredom.
MRS. PEARCE
Karpathy, that dreadful Hungarian; was he there?
HIGGINS
Yes, he was there alright and up to his old tricks.
HIGGINS
That blackguard who uses the science of speech
More to blackmail and swindle than teach.
He made it the devilish business of his
To find out who this Miss Doolittle is.
Every time we looked around
There he was that hairy hound from Budapest.
Never leaving us alone
Never have I ever known a ruder pest.
Finally I decided it was foolish not to
Let him have his chance with her
So I stepped aside and him dance with her.
Oozing charm from every pore
He oiled his way around the floor.
Every trick that he could play
He used to strip her mask away.
When at last the dance was done
He glowed as if he knew he’d won.
And with a voice too eager
And a smile too broad
He announced to the hostess that she was: a fraud!
MRS. PEARCE
No!
HIGGINS
Jawohl!
HIGGINS
Her English is too good, he said
That clearly indicates she is foreign
Whereas other people are instructed in their
Native language, English people ar-en’t.
And although she may have studied with an
Expert dialectition and grammarian,
I can tell that she was born: Hungarian!
(Not only Hungarian, but of royal blood.)
She is a princess!
ALL
Bravo! bravo! bravo!
Congratulations, Professor Higgins
For your glorious victory.
Congratulations, Professor Higgins
You’ll be mentioned in history.
MAIDS MANSERVANT
Congratulations, Professor Higgins This evening sir you did it,
For your glorious victory. You did it, you did it.
You said that you would do it,
And indeed you did.
Congratulations, Professor Higgins This evening sir you did it,
[unintelligible]
You did it, you did it.
We know that we have said it
that you did it
ALL
And the credit for it all belongs to you.
13.SHOW ME
FREDDY
Speak and the world is full of singing,
And I am winging higher than the birds.
Touch and my heart begins to crumble,
The heavens tumble, darling, and I’m-
ELIZA
Words! Words! Words! I’m so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him now from you!
Is that all you blighters can do?
Don’t talk of stars, burning above;
If you’re in love, show me!
Tell me no dreams filled with desire
If you’re on fire, show me!
Here we are together in the middle of the night!
Don’t talk of spring! Just hold me tight!
Anyone who’s every been love will tell you that
This is no time for a chat!
Haven’t your lips longed for my touch?
Don’t say how much, show me! Show me!
Don’t talk of love lasting through time.
Make me no undying vow.
Show me now!
Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don’t waste my time, show me!
Don’t talk of June, don’t talk of fall!
Don’t talk at all! Show me!
Never do I ever want to hear another word
There isn’t one I haven’t heard.
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream;
Say one more word and I’ll scream!
Haven’t your arms hungered for mine?
Please don’t “expl’ine,” show me! Show me!
Don’t wait until rings wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!
14.GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TIME
[Freddy walks Eliza to the taxi. They climb in and drive away.]
JAMIE & HARRY
There’s just a few more hours
That’s all the time you’ve got.
A few more hours
Before they tie the knot.
DOOLITTLE
[Spoken]
There’s drinks and girls all over London and I’ve got
to track ’em down in just a few more hours! Ha ha!
[Sung]
I’m getting married in the morning!
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
Pull out the stopper!
Let’s have a whopper!
But get me to the church on time!
I’ve got to be there in the mornin’
Spruced up and looking in me prime.
Girls, come and kiss me;
show how you’ll miss me.
But get me to the church on time.
If I am dancin’
Roll up the floor.
If I am whistlin’
Whewt me out the door!
For I’m getting married in the mornin’
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime
Kick up a rumpus, but don’t lose the compass
And get me to the church
Get me to the church
Be sure and get me to the church on time.
DOOLITTLE & CHORUS
I’m getting married in the mornin’
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
DOOLITTLE
Drug me or jail me;
Bond me and bail me
Drug me or jail me;
Stamp me and mail me;
DOOLITTLE & CHORUS
But get me to the church
I’ve got to be there in the morning,
Spruced up and looking in me prime.
DOOLITTLE
Some bloke who’s able
Lift up the table,
DOOLITTLE & CHORUS
And get me to the church on time.
DOOLITTLE
If I am flying,
Then shoot me down.
If I am wooin’
Get her out of town.
DOOLITTLE & CHORUS
For I’m getting married in the morning
Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.
DOOLITTLE
Feather and tar me;
Call out the army;
But get me to the church
DOOLITTLE & CHORUS
Get me to the church
Be sure and get me to the church on time.
15.A HYMN TO HIM
HIGGINS
What in all of heaven could’ve promted her to go,
After such a triumph as the ball?
What could’ve depressed her;
What could’ve possessed her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all.
Women are irrational, that’s all there is to that!
There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They’re nothing but exasperating, irritating,
vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!
[To Pickering]
Pickering, why can’t a woman be more like a man?
PICKERING
Hmm?
HIGGINS
Yes…
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic’ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can’t a woman be like that?
Why does ev’ryone do what the others do?
Can’t a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do ev’rything their mothers do?
Why don’t they grow up- well, like their father instead?
Why can’t a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you are with them, you’re always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?
PICKERING
Of course not!
HIGGINS
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
PICKERING
Nonsense.
HIGGINS
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
PICKERING
Never.
HIGGINS
Well, why can’t a woman be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there’s one with slight defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!
Why can’t a woman take after like a man?
Cause men are so friendly, good natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?
PICKERING
Of course not!
HIGGINS
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
PICKERING
Nonsense.
HIGGINS
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
PICKERING
Never.
HIGGINS
Well, why can’t a woman be like us?
[To Mrs. Pearce]
Mrs. Pearce, you’re a woman…
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can’t a woman be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Straight’ning up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don’t they straighten up the mess that’s inside?
Why can’t a woman behave like a man?
If I was a woman who’d been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
And carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?
Why can’t a woman be like me?
16.WITHOUT YOU
ELIZA
What a fool I was!
What a dominated fool!
To think you were the earth and sky.
What a fool I was!
What an addlepated fool!
What a mutton headed dolt was I!
No, my reverberating friend,
You are not the beginning and the end!
There’ll be spring ev’ry year without you.
England still will be here without you.
There’ll be fruit on the tree;
And a shore by the sea;
There’ll be crumpets and tea without you.
Art and music will thrive without you.
Somehow Keats will survive without you.
And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain,
Even that will remain without you.
I can do without you.
You, dear friend, who talk so well,
You can go to Hartford, Heresford and Hampshire.
They can still rule the land without you.
Windsor Castle will stand without you.
And without much ado
We can all muddle through without you.
Without your pulling it, the tide comes in;
Without your twirling it, the earth can spin.
Without your pushing them, the clouds roll by.
If they can do without you, ducky, so can I!
I shall not feel alone without you.
I can stand on my own without you.
So go back in your shell,
I can do bloody well without you!
17.I’VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO HER FACE
[In the street and Higgins is hurrying home in a huff.]
HIGGINS
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
I’ve grown accustomed to her face.
She almost makes the day begin.
I’ve grown accustomed to the tune that
She whistles night and noon.
Her smiles, her frowns,
Her ups, her downs
Are second nature to me now;
Like breathing out and breathing in.
I was serenely independent and content before we met;
Surely I could always be that way again-
And yet
I’ve grown accustomed to her look;
Accustomed to her voice;
Accustomed to her face.
[Spoken]
“Marry Freddy.” What an infantile idea. What a heartless,
wicked, brainless thing to do. But she’ll regret, she’ll
regret it. It’s doomed before they even take the vow!
[Sung]
I can see her now, Mrs. Freddy Eynsford-Hill
In a wretched little flat above a store.
I can see her now, not a penny in the till,
And a bill collector beating at the door.
She’ll try to teach the things I taught her,
And end up selling flowers instead.
Begging for her bread and water,
While her husband has his breakfast in bed.
In a year, or so, when she’s prematurely grey,
And the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk.
She’ll come home, and lo, he’ll have upped and run away
With a social-climbing heiress from New York.
Poor Eliza. How simply frightful!
How humiliating! How delightful!
How poignant it’ll be on that inevitable night
When she hammers on my door in tears and rags.
Miserable and lonely, repentant and contrite.
Will I take her in or hurl her to the walls?
Give her kindness or the treatment she deserves?
Will I take her back or throw the baggage out?
But I’m a most forgiving man;
The sort who never could, ever would,
Take a position and staunchly never budge.
A most forgiving man.
But, I shall never take her back,
If she were even crawling on her knees.
Let her promise to atone;
Let her shiver, let her moan;
I’ll slam the door and let the hell-cat freeze!
[Spoken]
“Marry Freddy”-h a!
[Sung]
But I’m so used to hear her say
“Good morning” ev’ry day.
Her joys, her woes,
Her highs, her lows,
Are second nature to me now;
Like breathing out and breathing in.
I’m very grateful she’s a woman
And so easy to forget;
Rather like a habit
One can always break-
And yet,
I’ve grown accustomed to the trace
Of something in the air;
Accustomed to her face.