Not For the Life of Me
MILLIE:
I studied all the pictures in magazines and books
I memorized the subway map too
It’s one block north to Macy’s and two to Brothers Brooks
Manhattan, I prepared for you
You certainly are diff’rent from what they have back home
Where nothing’s over three stories high
And no one’s in a hurry or wants to roam
But I do, and they wonder why
They said I would soon be good and lonely
They said I would sing the homesick blues
(taking a train ticket from her pocket)
So I always have this ticket in my pocket
A ticket home in my pocket
To do with as I choose
(tearing the ticket in two)
Burn the bridge, bet the store
Baby’s coming home no more
Not for the life of me
Break the lock, post my bail
Done my time, I’m out of jail
Not for the life of me
A life that’s gotta be more than a one-light town
Where the light is always red
Gotta be more than an old ghost town
Where the ghost ain’t even dead
Clap-a-your hands, just-a-because
Don’t you know that where I am ain’t where I was
Not for the life of me
Boh-doh-dee-oh
Not for the life of
Not for the life of
Not for the life of me!
Thoroughly Modern Millie
ENSEMBLE MEN:
There are those, I suppose
Think we’re mad, heaven knows
The world has gone to rack and to ruin
WOMAN #1:
What we think is chic
WOMAN #2:
Unique
WOMEN #3 & #4:
And quite adorable
ENSEMBLE WOMEN:
They think is odd and “Sodom and Gomorrah”-ble!
MILLIE:
But the fact is,
Everything today is thoroughly modern
ENSEMBLE:
Check your personality
MILLIE:
Everything today makes yesterday slow
ENSEMBLE:
Better face reality
MILLIE:
It’s not insanity
Says Vanity Fair
In fact, it’s stylish to
MILLIE AND ENSEMBLE WOMEN:
Raise your skirts and bob your hair
MILLIE:
Have you seen the way they kiss in the movies
ENSEMBLE MEN:
Isn’t it delectable?
MILLIE AND ENSEMBLE WOMEN:
Painting lips and pencil lining your brow
Now is quite respectable
MILLIE:
Good-bye, good goody girl
I’m changing and how
ENSEMBLE:
So beat the drums ’cause here comes
Thoroughly Modern Millie now
What we think is chic, unique and quite adorable
They think is odd and “Sodom and Gomorrah”-ble!
But the fact is
Everything today is thoroughly modern
ENSEMBLE MEN:
Bands are getting jazzier
ENSEMBLE:
Everything today is starting to go
ENSEMBLE WOMEN:
Cars are getting snazzier
ENSEMBLE:
Men say it’s criminal what women’ll do
What they’re forgetting is
MILLIE:
This is 1922!
MILLIE AND ENSEMBLE:
Good-bye, good goody girl
I’m changing and how
MILLIE:
I’m changing and how!
ALL:
So beat the drums ’cause here comes thoroughly
Hot off the press! One step ahead! Jazz age!
Whoopee baby! We’re so thoroughly modern
MILLIE:
Millie!
ALL:
Now!
Not For The Life of Me (reprise)
MILLIE:
They said I would sing the homesick blues
Granny dear, Mother mine
Old and gray at twenty-nine
Calloused hands, broken heart
Dreams that die before you start
I ain’t got nothing, so I ain’t got nothing to lose! Who needs a hat?
Who
needs a purse? And who needs you, mister whoever-you-are, ’cause I’m a
pioneer woman, pal! The Woolworth building! The Met Life Tower!
There’s
gold in them there hills, and I’m gonna get it or die trying!
Days of yore, kind and gentle
As me if I’m sentimental!
Not for the life of me
Boh-doh-dee-oh
Not for the life of
Not for the life of
Not for the life of me!
(Meanwhile, in the lobby of the Hotel Priscilla)
GLORIA, ALICE, RITA, RUTH, CORA and LUCILLE:
Burn the bridge, bet the store
Baby’s coming home no more
Not for the life of me
A life that’s gotta be more than a one-light town
Where the light is always red
Gotta be more than an old ghost town
Where the ghost ain’t even dead
Clap your hands, just because
Where I am ain’t where I was
Not for the life of
Me, Me, Me, Me, Me
Boh-doh-dee-oh
Not for the life of
Not for the life of me!
How The Other Half Lives
MISS DOROTHY:
This is living!
This is what I call living
I’ve hungered for this day
Since Heaven knows when
Year after year with a secret yen
All of my prayers, all my desire
Ev’ry waking moment with my heart afire!
Give me the meat without the gravy
I’ll take the oyster sans the pearl
Pinching pennies, clipping coupons
See a brand new world unfurl
Let me brown bag all my lunches
Try my hand at canned cuisine
A Berlitz class I long to pass
How the other half
How the other half lives!
No fourteen-karat cronies, phonies
Fair-weather friends
I want an “on-the-dole” mate, soulmate
Stormy-weather friends
Pour me the milk but hold the honey
Bring on those funny money woes
Paying Paul by robbing Peter
Layaway to buy my clothes
Summer on the Isle of Coney
Winter in Hell’s Kitchenette
I’ll turn my dial to rank and file
How the other half –
MILLIE:
How the other half lives!
Poor? Not me, honey
I don’t want those money woes
I’ll marry Paul or Dave or Rob or Peter
So I can buy my clothes at Saks Fifth Avenue
Bergdorf Goodman too
The privileged few plus you-know-who
How the other half
BOTH:
How the other half lives!
MILLIE:
I’m on the way up!
MISS DOROTHY:
I’m on the way down!
MILLIE:
It’s a good thing we met in the middle!
MISS DOROTHY:
Pour me the milk but hold the honey
Bring on those funny money woes
Paying Paul by robbing Peter
Layaway to buy my clothes
Summer on the Isle of Coney
Winter in Hell’s Kitchenette
MILLIE (at the same time):
Poor? Not me, honey
I don’t want those money woes
I’ll marry Paul or Dave or Rob or Peter
So I can buy my clothes at Saks Fifth Avenue
Bergdorf Goodman too
MISS DOROTHY:
A wild sojourn
MILLIE:
So I can learn
BOTH:
Livin’ like the other half!
Not For the Life of Me (reprise)
CHING HO:
Qiao shaodiao. Dian dadu. (Burn the bridge. Bet the
store.)
Guaiguai bu zai hui jia liao (Baby’s coming home no more)
Zhe shenghuo wo bu yao (Not for the life of me)
BUN FOO:
Shenghuo yao bi yi-deng (A life that’s gotta be more)
Xiao zhen geng fanrong (than a one-light town)
Er deng shi yongyuan hong (where the light is always red)
BOTH:
Shenghyuo yao bi gui cheng geng renao (Gotta be more than an old
ghost
town)
Lian Gui guai dou huozhe (Where the ghost ain’t even dead)
Jia you! Jia you! Jia you! (Go team! Go team! Go team!)
Paipai shou zhi dao ma (Clap your hands just because)
Wode jintian bushi guoqu (Don’t you know that where I am)
Yiyang la (ain’t where I was)
Zhe shenghuo wo bu yao (Not for the life of me)
Boh-doh-dee-oh
Zhe shenghuo wo bu yao (Not for the life of me)
The Speed Test
MR. GRAYDON:
Take a letter. To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson’s Floor Wax. You will
find an
invoice in the file for the address. “Dear Mr. Hudson,” colon:
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I’m writing you a letter to demand an explanation
When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning
Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced
And unless you can convince me
You’ve improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter
How’s my speed, Miss Dillmount?
MILLIE:
A little slow, perhaps.
MR. GRAYDON:
Ah!
Enclosed you’ll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you’ve a doubt
I’m sure you wouldn’t want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours
Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better
I just hope it won’t require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon
Now, read that back to me please.
MILLIE:
Certainly. “Dear Mr. Hudson,” colon:
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I’m writing you a letter to demand an explanation
When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning
Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced
MR. GRAYDON:
Nice!
MILLIE:
And unless you can convince me
You’ve improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter
MR. GRAYDON:
Not half bad. Continue please.
MILLIE:
Enclosed you’ll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you’ve a doubt
I’m sure you wouldn’t want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours
Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better
I just hope it won’t require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon
MR. GRAYDON:
Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly?
MILLIE:
Yes?
MR. GRAYDON:
If I could be so lucky
As to have a good stenographer
To keep this place as up-to-date
As her short skirt and bobbed coiffure
I wouldn’t have to worry ’bout
Our soured office planking
And could concentrate on generating
Profits ripe for banking
That is why I’m testing you
With this outrageous correspondence
Which I don’t intend to actually mail
To the respondents
So if you can make sense of my unintelligble patter
Then the job is yours and Hudson’s Floor Wax doesn’t matter
MILLIE:
Hudson’s Floor Wax doesn’t matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson’s Floor Wax doesn’t matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter
MR. GRAYDON (at the same time):
Hudson’s Floor Wax doesn’t matter!
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson’s Floor Wax doesn’t matter!
OFFICE WORKERS (at the same time):
Hudson’s Floor Wax doesn’t matter!
Matter, matter, matter, matter
MR. GRAYDON:
Now, I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat. Man your
machine!
Go!
(Millie’s rapid fire typing/tapping dazzles the office workers. She
presents the finished letter to Mr. Graydon.)
Time! “Dear Mr. Hudson,”
MILLIE AND OFFICE WORKERS:
Colon.
MR. GRAYDON:
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I’m writing you a letter to demand an explanation
When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning
Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced
And unless you can convince me
You’ve improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter
MILLIE AND OFFICE WORKERS:
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
Matter, matter, matter, matter
MR. GRAYDON:
Going on.
Enclosed you’ll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you’ve a doubt
I’m sure you wouldn’t want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours
Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better
I just hope it won’t require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon
You have made the team Miss Dillmount!
OFFICE WORKERS:
You have made the team Miss Dillmount!
MILLIE:
Tell me where my desk is
When we eat lunch
How much I’ll be paid, and
Nice to meet you, I know we’ll be friends
Just call me Millie Graydon
MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
Millie Graydon?
MILLIE:
I mean Dillmount!
MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
Millie Dillmount?
MILLIE:
Someday Graydon!
MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS:
Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount?
Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount?
MILLIE:
Graydon!
ALL:
Ahhhhhhh!
They Don’t Know
MRS. MEERS:
They don’t know my flair for the dramatic
Not a clue, the talent I possess
Pretty girls, but not much in the attic
Face-to-face with genius, and they never guess
They don’t know they’re staring at an artist
Highly trained to take on any role
Skillful mime, and brilliant laundry cart-ist
Seeking retribution for the life they stole
I almost acted Chekhov, Ibsen, Shaw, Moliere
I almost starred as Peter Pan; imagine moi midair!
I almost tackled Shakespeare, a blushing Juliet
And if the house were big enough I still could play her yet!
They don’t know I’m hotter news than Duse
Helen Hayes and Bernhardt all in one
They’re on top, and I look like the loser
Wait and see who’s standing when my play is done
So welcome all ye bright young ladies
You’re checking into Hotel Hades
I won’t stand by while critics praise ya
You’re getting shipped to Southeast Asia
But they don’t know, they don’t know
Sad to be all alone in the world
But they don’t know
The Nuttycracker Suite
(JIMMY escorts MILLIE and the girls from Priscilla into a speakeasy,
where they sample their first taste of gin, dance the latest dances,
and are
arrested in a police raid.)
What Do I Need With Love?
JIMMY:
Oh, the places I would like to show you
Although I hardly know you
I’ve a funny feeling we make a perfect pair
Famous sites I want to see you seeing
Then nights of you and me-ing
Me. You. We –
Wait a minute! Just a minute! No, no, no, no!
I’m a Joe with just oen aim
Ev’ry night to date a diff’rent dame
Call each one of ’em the same pet name
“Hey, baby!”
In a row, I have my ducks
Loads of gals to give me loads of yucks
Leave the cooing to the other clucks
I don’t mean maybe
Got it good. What do I need with love?
Always practice what I preach
Keep temptation out of easy reach
Stick to dolls who wash their hair in bleach
I’m happy
Come and go the way I choose
Never gonna sing the tied-down blues
Other guys would kill to fill my shoes
No wing-clipped sappy
Got it good. What do I need with love?
That was a near miss, talk about a close shave
Flirted with disaster
There must be someone up there watching over me
Talk about a four-leaf-clover-me
Peter Rabbit’s missing footsie
Means I roll without a tootsie
Got it good. What do I need with love?
I got it good. What do I need with love?
Skip the vows and all that rot
Tell the minister that “I do” not
Bright and breezy is the –
Birds and bees-y is the –
Free and easy is the life I got
Without her.
Although I hardly know you
What do I need with love?
I got it good
Got it good
But now I got it bad!
Only In New York
MUZZY:
The wonders of the world are said to stop at seven
But truth to tell my figures don’t agree
I number them at eight, with one so close to Heaven
The others pale, their magic stale
Just take a look and see
Step right up to Treasure Isle
Ev’ry inch of it, a sky-high mile
Fairytale land
Only in New York
Hey castle-builder
Want the moon, and nothing less?
Work for years, then overnight success
I know firsthand
Only in New York
Each day it’s free admission to those who dream
You set your sights all the way upstream
Off you go, for you know that cream will rise
Make that wish, seek that thrill
Come and get it, ’cause you always will
Strike up the band
Only in New York
Each day it’s free admission to those who dream
You set your sights all the way upstream
Off you go, for you know that cream will rise
Rise!
New, improved and rearranged
It’s ever-changing, yet it’s never changed
Life on command
Hear what I’m saying, oh but it’s grand
That’s why I’m staying, right here as planned
Only in New York
Only in New York
Only in New York
Jimmy
MILLIE:
Am I drunk? Or maybe I’m dreaming
I oughta be screaming! He suddenly –
Everything today is thoroughly –
Just like that, without any warning
At two in the morning, he suddenly –
Everything today is thoroughly –
Were there signs, and I didn’t see them?
A random remark, occasional sigh
That day in the park, the gleam in his eye
Everything today is thoroughly –
Everything today is thoroughly –
Jimmy, oh Jimmy, silly boy
Gee, what a real swell guy
Jimmy, oh Jimmy, oh what joy
He makes my troubles fly
His glance had fireworks in it
We kissed, my heart did a
Whiz-bang, flip-flop
Heaven for a minute
Jimmy, oh Jimmy, don’t you know
What I can’t quite confess?
So coax me, implore me
I promise you won’t bore me
Jimmy I might say yes
He makes my troubles fly
His glance had fireworks in it
We kissed, my heart did a
Whiz-bang, flip-flop
Heaven for a minute
Jimmy, oh Jimmy, don’t you know
What I can’t quite confess?
So coax me, implore me
I promise you won’t bore me
Oh, Jimmy, I might say yes