Something Funny’s Going On
All
Something funny’s going on
And it isn’t very pretty
Women
This is how it all began
Men
With the murder of a man
All
In Atlantic City
New Jersey
Something funny’s going on
There’s a lot we haven’t told yet
Women
There’s a fortune
Men
And a chase
All
And a lovely foreign place
And the body isn’t cold yet
In New Jersey
The story that you’re about to hear
Is strange, we know
And things like this don’t happen every day
But, there’s a little saying
And it’s apropos
Where there’s a will, there’s a way
Uncle Anthony
Dear nephew Harry,
This is my last will and testament.
I hope it finds you in better health than it does me.
All
Something funny’s going on
There’s an awful lot of action
Dominique
And a physical attraction
Anabel
And a lot of dogs
Vinnie
There’s a fortune to be won
Rita
And a woman with a gun
Luigi
And the body of a man
All
And an axe about to fall
Harry
On one unsuspecting fellow
All
In the middle of it all
In England
In May
With the day already gone
Something funny, funny, very, very funny
Is going on
Mister Witherspoon’s Friday Night
Harry
Three pairs of alligator pumps…check
Two pairs of sandletoes in white…right
Ten pairs of galloshes for the rain
And one shoe salesman going quietly insane
Another Friday night with Harry Witherspoon
Another perfect evening on its way
I’ll just bet we’re having stew
And my rent is overdue
And I haven’t sold a shoe all day
Behold the perfect life of Harry Witherspoon
How I would envy me if I were you
All the glamour and the fun
And the endless days of sun
And the endless nights of stew
And I’m talking to a shoe
Three pairs of ankle straps in beige…check
Two pairs of loafers trimmed in chrome…check
Ten million shoes going off on adventures
And one shoe salesman going home
I should be strolling along a sandy beach someplace
Exotic and bright
I should be dancing
Instead of doing inventory on a Friday night
If I was someone else but Harry Witherspoon
I swear I’d never sell another shoe
I’d go sailing off to sea
Flying through the blue
Doing all the things all you shoes get to do
There’d be so many things I’d re-arrange
But Witherspoon
Your life is not about to change
Landlady
Who is it? I don’t want to let the dogs into the kitchen.
Postman
I’ve a telegram for a Mister Harry Witherspoon. Is he in?
Landlady
Telegram? For him? I’ll take it. I’m his landlady. Thank you.
Evening, Mrs. Markham.
Boarder
Who was that?
Landlady
Mister Witherspoon
Got a telegram
Boarder
Mister Witherspoon
Got what?
Landlady
Got a telegram
Boarder
Not a telegram!
That’s impossible!
Landlady
It’s not, look here!
Now, a telegram
Means a tragedy
Boarder
Something ‘orrible or grim
Both
Well, I never thought
Of a tragedy
Or of anything
Ever happening
To him
Boarder 2
Evening.
Boarder 3
Evening.
Landlady
Boys, boys, now then, look here.
You’ll never guess
Mister Witherspoon
Got a telegram
Well, you could have knocked me flat
Why would anyone
Send a telegram
To a nincompoop like that
Harry
I should be strolling along a sandy beach someplace
Exotic and bright
I should be dancing
All in flat
Hold it up to the light!
Harry
I should be quitting my job and moving out
I should be waving goodbye
I should start living
Before I die
Boarder 1
Why on earth would they send it?
Boarder 2
We could slice it and mend it
Boarder 3
He’ll be home any minute
Boarder 1
What the hell could be in it?
Landlady
Shall I just pry it open?
Will you have a cup?
Have a lovely cup
With some sugar, dear
And cream
Got a lovely pot
And a lot of steam
Boarder 2
Better hurry up
Boarder 3
Hold it over here
Boarder 1
I’m a nervous wreck
Landlady
Me too
Harry
Let go of my leg!
All
Mister Witherspoon!
Got a telegram
For you
Uncle’s Last Request
Lawyer
Mr. Witherspoon, this is your Uncle Anthony.
Harry
But…I thought he died!
Lawyer
He did. The cassette will explain everything. The wheelchair operates manually or electrically. So nice to have met you. Bon voyage, and congratulations!
Harry
Oh my god!
Uncle Anthony
Atlantic City, May 5th.
Dear nephew Harry,
This is my last will and testament.
I hope it finds you in better health than it does me.
Harry, we never met, so I hope you won’t be too surprised when you hear the little favour I want.
Harry
Favour?
Uncle Anthony
In return for my six million dollars, I want to go to Monte Carlo.
Harry
What?!
Uncle Anthony
I want to go to Monte Carlo on vacation.
The plans are made, the restaurants are booked, everything is paid in advance.
All you have to do is guard me and this heart-shaped box on my lap with your life.
Harry
But…but, this is impossible!
Uncle Anthony
You’re probably thinking ‘impossible’, right?
A taxidermist friend of mine has me fixed up so no one will notice a thing.
Just pass me off as your dear old invalid uncle, and follow the instructions on the tape.
There’s nothing to it!
Harry
Take a dead man to the French Riviera? You must be mad!
Uncle Anthony
Otherwise I’ll leave it all to my favourite charity, the Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn.
So Harry, whaddya say?
Good to Be Alive
Harry
Why am I here?
What am I doing?
I’m on a trip with a dead man
What made me think
I could get through this?
Why the hell did I ever do this?
How the hell will I ever get by?
What’s that, uncle? You say your eyesight’s not what it used to be?
Well, of course, I’d be happy to describe the sights
You can see the sun shining on the sea
Uncle Anthony
What a lovely sea, wouldn’t you agree?
Uncle Anthony
Here it’s very hot
So I hope you’ve got
Something you can swim in
On the beach we’ll lie
Gazing at the sky
Uncle, you will die
When you see the women
Everything is French
Uncle, take a look
It’s all très jolie
Nothing like you’ve read
Not in any book
Uncle Anthony
It’s all so new
And thanks to you
I doubt that I’ll survive
Oh, don’t you think
It’s good to be alive
Luigi
Ciao! Luigi Gaudi, signoris, and you are?
Harry
Oh, Harry Witherspoon. And my Uncle Anthony.
Luigi
This is your first time to Monte Carlo?
Harry
Yes…
Luigi
Fantastic! I will be your guide.
Harry
Well, actually, my uncle is here for rest, you see, and seclusion.
Luigi
Rest? Seclusion? Nonsense! This is Monte Carlo!
Try a little taste
Have a little sip
Uncle Anthony
Come, you mustn’t waste
Such a lovely trip
Uncle Anthony
Ladies left and right
Don’t be so uptight!
Have a fling, why don’t you?
Uncle, don’t look now
Give a little bow
Lovely ladies, ciao!
Come and join us, won’t you?
Women
Hi, and how d’you do?
Hi, and who are you?
Harry and Luigi
Uncle Anthony
Women
We are on a spree
Fun and fancy free
Uncle Anthony
So now we’ve met
You can’t forget
To call when you arrive
All
Oh, don’t you think
Harry
Yes, he does
All
It’s good to be alive
Harry
Who’s that woman?
That woman over there
Chewing on a pencil
Giving me a glare
Witherspoon, don’t stare
All
You can see the sun shining on the sea
Uncle Anthony
What a lovely sea, wouldn’t you agree?
Uncle Anthony
The great champagne
The bracing air
Harry
The racing train
Women
A millionaire
All
A million things beyond compare
To make a party thrive
Oh, don’t you think?
Harry
Yes, I do
Uncle too
All
It’s good to be alive
Rita’s Confession
Rita
Vinnie, you’re my brother. I’m in a little trouble, and I didn’t know where else to go. Listen to this obituary I just found in the Atlantic City paper.
Vinnie
You’re holding it upside down. Put on your glasses.
Rita
“British shoe salesman inherits six million dollars from casino manager uncle.”
Vinnie
I don’t get it.
Rita
Let me start at the beginning.
I was having an affair
Vinnie
An affair
Rita
An affair
And my lover’s name was Tony
Vinnie
Tony
Rita
Hendon
He managed my husband’s casino
He wore a tux
I went crazy for the guy
Which is why
Vinnie
Which is why
Rita
I embezzled from my husband
Vinnie
Not your husband
Rita
We stole from my husband’s casino
Six million bucks
And all in rocks
Six million bucks in diamonds
In a heart-shaped box
Now I’ve gotta Monte Carle
I’ve gotta find this man
He inherited the money
I embezzled from my husband
For my lover, who I accident shot
Vinnie
What?!
Rita
Well, I went to Tony’s place
Vinnie
Tony’s place
Rita
It was dark
And I saw a woman leaving
Vinnie
Woman
Rita
Leaving
I knew that my Tony was in there
Well, I saw red
And the room was very dark
Vinnie
Very dark
Rita
Very dark
And I didn’t have my glasses
Vinnie
What, no glasses?
Rita
And there, in the dark, accidentally
I shot him dead
They found his will
He left this English nephew
My entire six mil
Now I’ve gotta go to Monte Carlo
I’ve gotta find this man
Vinnie
He inherited the money
Rita
I embezzled from my husband
Vinnie
For the guy you accidentally shot at dawn
Rita
Right!
And you’ve gotta go to Monte Carlo
Vinnie
Me?
Rita
Just as fast as you can
Vinnie
Why?
Rita
‘Cause I accidentally mentioned
It was you who took the money
When my husband accidentally found it gone
What could I say?
Vinnie
What’d you say? What’d you say?
Rita
What could I do?
Vinnie
What’d you do? What’d you do?
Rita
They money was gone
And Nicky caught on
So I blamed it…
Vinnie
No!
Rita
…on you
I said you lost it gambling
I was desperate
It just came out of my mouth
You know, spontaneously
And now… well… I think…
Nicky has a contract on your life
Vinnie
I’ve gotta go to Monte Carlo
I’ve gotta find this man
I could end up in the river
With a bullet in my liver
Or piano wire wrapped around my neck
Rita
Check
Both
We’ve gotta go to Monte Carlo
Just as fast as we can
And find this man
Lucky
Harry
Well, I suppose there are two ways to look at this. I mean, true, I am here in a foreign country with a dead man in a wheelchair, trying to pretend that nothing is wrong and having to do all sorts of things I don’t even want to think about.
On the other hand, this is a chance to earn a great deal of money in a very short time. So, for once in my life, I should think positive. I will think positive.
Everything is fine
Everything is a-ok
I suppose that one might say
I’m lucky
Look at where I am
Think of how I made it through
All of this and also you
I’m lucky
With you in my life
We’ll both find out how living feels
With you in my life
My life will be a hell on wheels
Now my fate is in your hands
And my future’s on the line
Glad to know that you’re so sure
I’ll be fine
But I’ll need a lot of luck
Stuck with luck like mine
Well, what have you got to say for yourself, Uncle?
Uncle Anthony
I want to go gambling one last time. I wanna go scuba diving. I wanna feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face. Well, as best I can.
Harry
With you by my side
There’s nothing we will see or do
With you by my side
I’m unafraid…are you?
Well, no matter what’s in store
What can someone do but try?
And if anyone should ask
I’ll reply
You’re one lucky stiff
And so am I
Uncle Anthony
Have I got a red rose in my buttonhole?
Harry
Check
Uncle Anthony
Sunglasses?
Harry
Check
Uncle Anthony
And we’re off! And Harry, I want to thank you again. I’m about to have the biggest adventure of my life.
Harry
And so am I.
Dogs Versus You
Harry
Alright, you’re following us. Who are you?
Annabel
My card.
Harry
Miss Annabel Glick, representative of the Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn.
Annabel
We were your late uncle’s favourite charity.
Harry
Don’t tell me you’ve come all this way for a handout.
Annabel
I have come all this way for the money, Mister Witherspoon. All six million dollars of it. You see…
There are dogs in despair
Who need shelter and care
And who don’t have a bone to chew
You have pink satin sheets
They spend nights on the streets
It’s the dogs, the dogs
It’s the dogs versus you
We are down on our knees
Braving rabies and fleas
It’s a job someone has to do
We need food, we need tags
Doggy toys, doggy bags
For the dogs, the dogs
It’s the dogs versus you
How I wish you could meet
The needy dogs I’ve known
How much good you could do
In the greater New York area alone
Picture one (no)
Hungry hound (no)
Picture pups (no)
At the pound (no)
Or a poor little (no)
Lost Shitzu (who?)
Think of beagles (no)
Who beg (no)
St. Bernards (no)
With no keg (no)
It’s the dogs
Harry
I hate dogs
Anabel
You hate dogs
Harry
Oh, how I wish
Anabel
Needy dogs
Harry
You could see
Anabel
Hungry dogs
Harry
The kind of life I’ve had
Anabel
Twenty-five thousand starving dogs
Harry
If you think
Anabel
Save the dogs
Harry
I’ll go back
You’re absolutely, positively mad
Anabel
I’m prepared
Harry
So am I
Anabel
This is do
Both
Do or die
It’s so nice that we both agree
It’s the dogs, the dogs
Anabel
Versus you
Harry
And you
Both
Versus me
After you!
The Phone Call
Vinnie
Uh, hello?
Mary Alice
Can you hear me?
Listen, honey
I’m calling to tell you
There’s a problem
Are you sitting?
Well, I won’t be home for dinner tonight
You know Nicky?
Rita’s husband?
Well, I think he is planning to kill me
Mary Alice
It’s not funny
And I won’t be home for dinner tonight
Don’t hold the meatloaf
Don’t toss the salad
Don’t talk to strangers
And make up some excuse for mom
Call all my patients
Break my appointments
Please, Mary Alice, just be calm
Are you finished?
Are you better?
Mary Alice, you’re overreacting
Honey bunny, are you crying?
It’s your birthday
Gee, I’m sorry
Mary Alice, it’s only a birthday
So you’re forty
I’m in danger
And I can’t come home for dinner to…
Blow out the candles
Open the presents
Please, Mary Alice…
I’m in Europe
In an airport
With no wallet
No cards
And no money
With my sister
Who is crazy
And who’s got me in an awful jam
So the answer, Mary Alice
Is I won’t be home for dinner
Mary Alice…
Mary Alice…
Damn!
Speaking French
Dominique
Bonsoir, belle dames et beau messieurs!
Comment ça va? Ca va bien?
What? You don’t speak French?
What is love if you don’t speak French?
Mon cherié, you won’t stand a chance here
Come with me, you will see
The way we do things in the south of France dear
You can say all you want to say
With one basic lesson, I know
Use your lips, your hips
Like so, like so, like so
Then you say, ooh, ooh, ohh
I answer aah, aah, ahh
You whisper, ooh la la
And I go…
Then I go mmmmm
And you say, aah, ahh ahh
And then you’re speaking French
Bonjour, Harry Witherspoon!
Harry
You know me?
Dominique
I am your surprise!
I don’t care how it’s done in Rome
Or in Oklahoma or Nome, dear
S’il vous plait, parle français
You’ll fall in love and you may not go home, dear
You can share in the savoir faire
If you dare to try something new
Come my dear, volunteer
Won’t you? Won’t you? Yes, you!
When I say, ooh, ooh, ohh
You answer…
Harry
Aah, aah, ahh?
Dominique
I whisper, ooh la la
Which causes…
Harry
Boom
Both
And we say mmmmm
And then it’s aah aah aah
Dominique
And look, we’re speaking…
Moment, s’il vous plait!
There is someone here tonight who is not joining in.
Someone who is alone.
What is it, cherié?
Why so sad?
Has your lover deserted you?
Have too many lovers trampled on your heart?
May I have a blue spotlight please? Thank you.
I myself have walked the solitary boulevards of life beaucoup des jours
Just like you, so alone, sans l’amour
Ah, to go searching for amour along the boulevards of life is not a crime
As I told that gendarme at the time
I spoke French…lucky me…so did he
I said…
And he said…
And I said…
Which led to…
And then we…
And then we…
No wonder I love French
Everybody!
Ooh, ooh, ohh
Then you say aah, aah, ahh
Then we say, ooh la la
Then we go…
I love that!
Ooh ooh ohh
Aah, ahh ahh
And now you’re speaking French
Times Like This
Anabel
All I have to say is
I am happy to be sitting here
Doing what is meaningful to me
Working on behalf of the Universal Dog Home
Not barking up a stranger’s tree
Now my idea of company would be…
A friendly face, the kind of face
That melts you with a grin
The kind of eyes that welcome you
The minute you walk in
A tender glance you simply can’t refuse
At times like this, a girl could use… a dog
He listens when you tell him things
There’s nothing you can’t say
And unlike certain people
You can teach him how to stay
And if the world is giving you the blues
He cheers you up by chewing up the news
It’s things like that that make you choose a dog
Other people need romance, dancing, playing around
Other people need constant fun
Well, I’m not one
I have my feet on the ground
Give me a quiet night, a stack of books
A tuna melt on rye
A simple walk together
Underneath a starry sky
And suddenly the night is something rare
And all because there’s someone special there
Who’s gazing at the views
His head upon your shoes
At times like this, I sure could use a dog
Fancy Meeting You Here
Harry
Goodnight, Uncle Anthony.
Rita
Wait! I thought I killed him
I must have nicked him instead
The paper said he was dead
Was that a fake?
Or a mistake?
God, I thought I killed him
I didn’t kill him
He’s over there
He’s in a wheelchair
Oh, Tony! Tony! Tony!
Oh my god, I’m a mess. I need a comb. Where’s my rouge? Oh my god, let me get rid of these stupid glasses.