Let It Go – The Full Monty

SCRAP

Jerry

What I want? That’s easy asshole –

I want a job

I want to feel like a person instead of a slob

I wanna wake up knowing where I’m gonna go

Not going nowhere

Wandering the streets of Buffalo

‘Cause it’s a slow town

When you don’t know where to go

I’ll be wetting down the razor

Then I’ll figure

“What’s the point?”

So I go into the living room

Roll another joint. Then lunch. Then a beer

Then sitting like an ape on the sofa

With a hankie

And the same old porno tape

And that’s a big day when you’re scrap

Dave

What I want? I’ll tell you jerky –

I want a life

I want to feel like the husband

Instead of the wife

I want to get some sleep when I go to bed

Instead of lying there digging through

The garbage in my head

Jerry & Dave

And it’s a long night when you’re scrap

It’s a long, long nightwhen you’re scrap

Malcolm

I know what I want. A place of my own. It could be a room, even. Just so it’s mine.

Ethan

I don’t know what i want. Something. Somebody.

I guess I’m lonely

Malcolm

I’m lonely

I don’t know what to do

I should get out –

Ethan

A bar –

Ethan & Malcolm

A party or two

Malcolm

I sure could use a friend

Ethan

Somebody –

Ethan & Malcolm

But there’s that horrifying moment when

They ask you what you do

Malcolm

Hi. I’m Malcolm, a complete loser who still lives at home with his mother.

Dave

Hi. I’m Dave Bukatinsky. I just defrosted my refrigerator and vacuumed my living room. And how was your day?

Jerry

Hi, I’m Jerry Lukowski. I’m 32, out of work, divorced, in debt up to my balls. I need some serious dental work and if I don’t make some money soon they won’t let me see my kid. I’m fed up, frustrated, angry and oh yeah –

Men

So what I want – that’s easy

I want to understand

How I got to be a loser

And I used to be a man

And I don’t know where I’m going

I don’t know why I’m here

All I know is that the future

Will include another beer

And that’s important –

I just want some veal

Or a steak on the table

‘S that too much to ask?

I just want something real

Something right, something stable

‘S that too much to ask?

I just want to feel like

I know what my label is

Just tell me what my label is

I don’t wanna be…

Scrap

IT’S A WOMAN’S WORLD

Georgie

Who’s got power?

Who’s got juice?

Who’s got the money?

Women

It’s a woman’s world

Georgie

Who feels freedom

To let loose

Tonight, honey, honey –

Women

It’s a woman’s world

Georgie

Back at home my libido is asleep

Nothing stirring up the batter

Now I know all I needed was a heap

O’ dancing beefcake on a platter

Women

A silver platter!

Georgie

Let’s get sweaty and

Let’s get mean

Fire up the burner –

Women

It’s a woman’s world

Georgie

I’ll be president

Susan

I’ll be queen

Joanie

I’ll be Tina Turner –

Women

It’s a woman’s world

Goergie

‘Cause tonight

Women

Yeah tonight

All

It’s a woman’s world

Georgie

Work all day, I come home and he’s all pissed

It’s a wallow-in-the-mudfest

Now I know all I need to clear the system’s

Just a raunchy little studfest

God bless their little G-strings!

All that music and all that beat

Who’s feeling funny –

Women

It’s a woman’s world

Georgie

All those men moving

All that meat

Tonight, honey-honey –

Women

It’s a woman’s world

Susan

I like the chunky little butt

On that motorcycle cop

I wanna go up there and bite it

Georgie

You’ll chip a tooth, honey!

Joanie

Or G.I. Joe with the military jock

I’d give a hundred bucks to see what’s inside it

Susan

What’s inside it?

Estelle

What’s inside it?

All

Why do they hide it?

All that music and all that beat

Making me dizzy

It’s a woman’s world

All those men moving

all that meat

Georgie

Let’s get busy!

All

It’s a woman’s world

Well it might be the men’s room

Georgie

Yeah, but tonight –

All

It’s a woman’s world!

MAN

Jerry

You’re out of work, your pride is missin’

They call you jerk but you don’t listen

You haven’t got a pot to piss in

But you’re a … man

Your hands are rough, your back is hairy

Your talk is tough, your smell is scary

Here’s what you’re not – you’re not a fairy

No you’re a beer-drinking, real live man

And when the beef comes out you do the carvin’

You hate Tom Cruise but you love Lee Marvin

You’re a man and that’s a bonus

‘Cause when you’re swinging your cojones

You’ll show ’em what testosterone is

‘Cause you’re a boot-wearin’, beer-drinking

Chevy-driving man

Don’t do it to be the most talked-about man in Buffalo. Don’t do it for all the money you’re gonna rake in. Don’t even do it so your best friend can keep seeing his son, whom he loves more than life. Oh no – do it for yourself, Davie-boy. Show yourself the stuff you’re made of. Don’t show me.

Dave

You get these plans. They always fail

You’ve been divorced. You’ve been to jail

You may be bold. You may be male

But you’re a bum bum ba-dum…BUM

You got your dreams, you got your wishes

And I don’t want to sound malicious

But you’re a nut, and I got dishes –

I’m going home

See ya.

Jerry

You walk away now, but you’ll be back. You know you’re always there for me.

Dave

Not this time, Fabio. Jerry the Stripper…

Jerry

Surf’s up, laides. Here comes Lukowski – the big kahuna – riding your pipeline. I’m hanging ten.

Bases loaded. It’s Bad Boy Jerry, swinging a big, big ol’ bat. B-b-banging one right at you, baby. BooYaa!

I’m gonna jump straight up

Kick a hole in the moon

Don’t know exactly where i’m going

But I know I’m gonna get there soon

I’ll show you, I’ll show them all

I’ll show them all the real thing

What is a man? Why does he bother?

‘Cause he’s a man. ‘Cause he’s a father

He wants his kid, he wants his life

He wants to…

He wants to be

A man

A real man

Yes I am

I’m gonna be

I’ve gotta be

A real man with a mission

Like you see on television

I’m a real fine gen-u-ine

Man!

BIG-ASS ROCK

Jerry

Let’s find a rock

I mean a big-ass rock

Or maybe something like

A cinder block is better

I’ll hoist it up

And drop it on your face, my buddy

And just before the lights go out

You’ll see my smile and you’ll know

You’ve got a friend

With a rock

Who cares

I mean a big-ass rock

Dave

Or rope

I got some quality rope

Made for a man who’s devoid of hope

Like you are, my buddy

Michael –

Malcolm

Unh, that’s Malcolm.

Dave

Malcolm. Right!

And I won’t leave you swinging there

Twitching like a fish while you claw the air

I’ll grab your feet

And pal o’ mine

I’ll pull real hard

And snap your spinal cord

Jerry

The world is cold whn you’re alone and

They ignore you

But don’t kill yourself

Jerry & Dave

We’ll do it for you

You’ve got a friend

Dave

You know, I asked a guy once if he’d mind putting me in a barrel and sending me over the falls. You know what the son of a bitch said? “Drop dead, asshole.”

Jerry

People are pricks. I asked this guy to take his air compressor and drill me with a six-inch nail right through the eye…

Dave

What’d he say?

Jerry

“I’m low on nails.”

Dave

People are selfish pricks.

Jerry

Another time, now get this, I just lay down in front of a steam roller and asked the guy just to proceed, you know, business as usual, and just squash me like a bug.

Dave

That’s a good way to go, Jer, the ol’ bug squash. We could tie a plastic laundry bag over his head.

Jerry

Naw, that’s such a wimp suicide.

Malcolm

I stuck my finger in a socket once. It hurt real bad…but it didn’t kill me.

Jerry

Malcolm, stay out of this.

Malcolm

I’ve got a friend

Like Carole King

Or was it Carly Simon

Used to sing?

I always get those two confused

But anyway –

I turned around

And suddenly

I’m not alone

Dave

Oo … let’s get a club

Jerry

I like the big-ass rock

Dave

Naw, one good swing and

I’ll clean his clock forever

Jerry

Let gravity do the work!

Dave

It’s a man’s way to die, Mikey.

Jerry

Malcolm!

Malcolm

A big-ass rock

Jerry

Here’s a nice one right over here

Dave

Can I give you a hand with that? It looks heavy.

Jerry

No Dave

It’s ain’t heavy…he’s my friend

Dave

Come on, group hug.

Life with Harold

Vicki

You gotta love that man

He’s like my personal angel

I’ve always wanted the kind of life

That I’ve been having as Harold’s wife

What a catch I have caught

He would buy me the moon

If the moon could be bought

I’m telling you –

You gotta love that man

Jerry

Why can’t you just tell her?

Harold

She adores me. How do you break the heart of someone you love?

Vicki

I really love that man

He likes me dressed to the nines

I saw two words and then ta-da

There’s me completely in Prada

And I’ve got the boots that go with the belt

That goes with the bag

That goes with my wonderful life with Harold

You gotta love that man

So he tells me you boys are rollers at the mill. That’s wonderful. Of course, I don’t actually know what rollers do, but hey, I hardly know what Harold does over there. It’s all steel to me.

Harold

Look at her. She’s a piece of Dresden china. She’d break into a million pieces!

Vicki

God, I love that man

But lately he’s working too hard

I keep on telling him how we

Should take a few weeks in Maui

And we’ll feel the breeze and sample the poi

And go see Don Ho and I’ll say

“Oh boy, how I love you, Harold”

I hit the jackpot with Harry

He’s a gem – he’s a beaut

He looks cute in a suit and he loves me to boot

I’m telling you

BIG BLACK MAN

Horse

When I was just a little nipper

Daddy told me “Son

That thing there underneath your zipper

Can be lots of fun

When you get a little older

You’ll understand

That every woman in the world loves

A big black man.”

Now I ain’t elite, I ain’t no man of means

But I got mean feet and my daddy’s genes

You just meet me once and you’ll understand

There ain’t nothing in the world like

A big black man

Cause I’m big and I’m proud

Singing out loud

Dancing it since the day I was born

Who’s got the tools?

Who breaks the rules?

‘Git back

And let a man do the popcorn!

I’m what your sister and your mother’s

Always thinking of

They put my picture on the cover

Of the book of love

Never need a line

I don’t need no plan

‘Cause there ain’t nothin in the world like a –

Here I go,

Hit me three times!

I do the monkey

The mashed potatoes

I do the jerk

Now watch me work!

You can look up and down

All over town

Ask anybody

Ask all around

Who knows the grooves?

Who busta’ moves?

I got the…

And the…

And the…

Horse & Jerry

I’m/He’s what your sister and your mama’s

Always thinking of

I/You take up eight whole chapters

In the book of love

It’s a long low load with a deep dark tan

There ain’t nothing in the world

Like a big black man

Horse

Sing!

Horse and Jerry

A big black man

Horse, Jerry, Dave

A big black man

Horse, Jerry, Dave, Malcolm

A big black man

Harold

Gotta love a big black man!

All

A big black man!

YOU RULE MY WORLD

Dave

Look at you, you’re lying there

I feel your milky skin, caress your silky hair

For all these years you’ve been with me

I tilt my chin and what I see is

Only you…

Not feet or knees

You grumble and I stumble

Towards the Meunster cheese

I’m in your spell, a chubby fool

And anyone can tell

You rule my world – my world –

No matter what I do

You rule my world

Harold

Look at you – my life, my dream –

My lady with the eighty-dollar

Slumber cream

The hundred-dollar haircuts

The novelty appliances we never use

And all those shoes

You bought for when we go on

The Alaskan cruise

My boat is sinking, I don’t care

You’re everything I want

You rule my world – my world –

You’re everything I need

Dave

Anywhere you go I’ll follow

Harold

Anywhere I’ll follow you

Dave

Anything you want I’ll give you

Harold

Anything at all

Harold & Dave

Anything you feel hollow, don’t worry

Harold & Dave

My world

Dave

Though I’m unemployed

Harold

A tad depressed

Dave

I’m overweight

Harold

I’m overdressed

Harold & Dave

There’s nothing I can do, you rule my world

Dave

There’s nothing I can do…

MICHAEL JORDAN’S BALL

Jerry

When Michael’s got the basketball

It’s Michael’s house from wall to wall

You hear that name, it’s a diff’rent game

When it’s Michael Jordan’s ball

When it’s Michael’s ball you’re dead, you’re through

‘Cause Michael takes the game to you

He’s in your face, you lost the race

It’s Michael Jordan’s ball

The fake, the spin

The drive and then he’s in the paint

The pump, the jump, and he’s up in the air

Like a goddamn saint!

When Micheal bolts and he penetrates

You feel the volts he generates

He’s slick as soap, he’s King, he’s Pope

He’s Michael Friggin’ Jordan!

Jerry & Men

You fake, you spin, you drive

And then you’re in the paint

You pump, you jump, and you’re up there!

And you’re through the roof

And you’re in the zone

Two-hundred-proof testosterone

You’re bad, you’re hot, you’re almost God!

Jerry

You’re Michael Jordan…

Say it!

I’m Michael –

Horse

I’m Michael –

Ethan

I’m Michael –

Malcolm

I’m Michael –

Harold

I’m Michael –

Dave

I’m Michael –

Dave

Let’s get ready to rumba!!