Fancy Dress
TOTTENDALE
My dress! My dress!
My Fancy
I don’t know why I’m wearing it
I must confess
My dress! My dress!
I love my dress
Would someone tell me why I put it on?
UNDERLING
Yes! Yes! Your dress
Your fancy dress
‘Twas such a pleasure airing it
Re-stitching and repairing it
God bless your dress!
It’s one fine dess!
And I will tell you why you put it on
Wedding bells will ring
Wedding bells will chime
Madam you’re the hostess
And it’s happy wedding time
UNDERLING & TOTTENDALE
Wedding bells will ding
Wedding bells will dong
Wedding bells will ding-a-ling
And we will ding along
STAFF
Your dress! Your dress!
Your fancy dress
We’re very very glad you put it on
UNDERLING
Wedding guest have come
ALL
Wedding guests are here
Wedding guests are at the door
And soon they will appear
ROBERT
I’m Robert, the bridegroom
I’m here to marry Janet
That star of Feldzieg’s Follies
Whom I love a lot
GEORGE
I’m George! That’s George!
His Best Man George
I’m honored to be doing
What a Best Man ought
(spoken)
Ah, Mrs. Tottendale. Now, don’t worry.
This whole wedding’s going to run like clock-work.
TOTTENDALE
(spoken)
Oh, is there going to be a wedding?
FELDZIEG
I’m Feldzieg, producer
I lost my leading lady
I got to stop this wedding
Or I’m not worth squat
KITTY
I’m Kitty! Just Kitty!
I came with Mr. Feldzieg
I’ll be a leading lady
If I get my shot
GANGSTER 1
We’re pastry chefs
GANGSTER 2
We’re pastry chefs
GANGSTER 1 & GANGSTER 2
We cross our hearts we’re pastry chefs
GANGSTER 1
No fakery
GANGSTER 2
A bakery!
GANGSTER 1 & GANGSTER 2
Is what we got
ALDOLPHO
Aldolpho! Aldolpho!
My name it is Aldolpho
I am the King of Romance
So I kiss a lot
ALL
You are the King of Romance
So you kiss a lot
Wedding bells will ring!
Wedding bells will chime!
Wedding bells will celebrate
A happy wedding time
Someone hasn’t come
Someone isn’t here
Where is Janet Van De Graaff
And when will she appear?
It’s Janet! It’s Janet
It’s Janet Van De Graaff
JANET
I’m Janet, Janet Van De Graaff
Here to marry Robert Martin
Giving up a life of glamour
To tie the knot
DROWSY
(spoken)
Am I late?
(sung)
I’m the Chaperone
Chaperone of Janet Van De Graaff
Maid of Honor, friend and confidante
And all that rot
(spoken)
Where’s the bar?
ALL
A wedding! A wedding!
Hooray!
UNDERLING
(spoken)
It’s Prohibition, Madam.
ALL
A wedding! A wedding!
How gay!
DROWSY
(spoken)
Good thing I brought my own.
ALL
A wedding! A wedding!
Today!
DROWSY
(spoken)
Champagne makes me drowsy.
ALL
It’s really happening!
Truly happening
Almost happening
What is happening?
TRIX
I’m Trix the aviatrix
Queen of the sky
I circle through the stratus
In my modern apparatus
I’m Trix the aviatrix
I’ve gotta fly
I’ll see ya’ when they tie the
knot
ALL
A wedding, a wedding
Hooray!
WOMEN
Ding-a-ling,
TENORS
Ding-a-ling
BASSES
Ding-a-ling
ALL
A wedding, a wedding
A wedding’s coming our way
A wedding, a wedding, today
Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling,
ding-a-ling
A wedding, a wedding
It’s really happening
Truly happening
Almost happening
Surely happening
Wedding bells will ring!
Wedding bells will chime!
Wedding bells will celebrate
A happy wedding time
Wedding bells will ding
Wedding bells will dong
Wedding bells will ding-a-ling
And we will ding
Along!
TRIX
How I love
Love a wedding
Yes I love
Love a wedding
Ah!
Listen to those bells
We will ding
Along
Cold Feets
Robert
Hey there Mister Mirror Man
Shakin’ and a quakin’
Tremblin’ like ‘dem
fraidy cats do
Somethin’ big be botherin’ you
Cold Feets
Cold Feets
Brother you got cold feets
You can make ‘dem
cold feets hot
With little rhythm
Young Feets
Old Feets
Can be uncontrolled feets
Rhythm make ‘dem
cold feets trot
Down the aisle
FRosty arches
They can learn to swing
Ivy toes can jive
Wedding marches
Played in ragtime swing
Make frigid soles come alive
And take that dive
Cold feets Shmold feets
Turn ’em into bold feets
Rhythm make them cold feets
Hot!
(spoken)
George
Say what are you up to?
Robert
I’m singing a song an old Negro taught me.
A Dixie remedy fro wedding day jitters.
George
You think you’ve got the jitters?
You’ve got the easy part! I have the weight of the wedding on my shoulders!
Robert
George, it sounds lke you’vee got cold feets.
(sung)
George
What do I got?
Robert
Cold feets
George
What do I want?
Robert
Bold feets
George
What do I do- scold feets?
Robert
Nooooo!
You make ‘da cold feets hot
Both
5-6-7-8
Cold Feets cold feets
Thurn ’em into bold feets
Rhythm make ‘dem
cold feets hot
You make da cold feets hot
You make da cold feets hot
You make da cold feets hot
Show Off
JANET
I don’t wanna show off no more.
I don’t wanna sing tunes no more.
I don’t wanna ride moons no more.
I don’t wanna show off.
I don’t wanna wear this no more.
Play the saucy swiss miss no more.
Blow my signature *kiss* no more.
I don’t wanna show off.
Don’t try to control me,
I’ve made up my mind.
And that’s it. I quit.
I’m leaving it all behind.
I don’t wanna be cute no more.
Make the gentleman hoot no more
I don’t wanna wear fruit no more.
I don’t wanna show off
REPORTERS
She don’t wanna show off no more.
JANET
[spoken]
Not me!
REPORTERS
[sung]
Read her name in the news no more.
JANET
[spoken]
Page Three!
REPORTERS
[sung]
Get the glowing reviews no more.
JANET
Aww Gee, I don’t wanna show off.
REPORTERS
She don’t wanna show off
JANET
I don’t wanna show off
REPORTERS
She don’t wanna show off no more
Off no more!
JANET
[spoken]
Not me. Whee!!
*Musical Interlude*
JANET
I don’t wanna show off.
REPORTERS
aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
She don’t wanna show off
show off
don’t wanna show off no more.
JANET
Please no more attention
I’ve counted to ten!
And I’m through
Adeau!
You’ll never see this!
You’ll never see this!
Never see this!
Never see that!
Never see these again!
REPORTERS
[Spoken]
Farewell!
Been swell!
I don’t wanna change key’s no more!
I don’t wanna strip tease no more!
I don’t wanna say “Cheese” no more!
I don’t care if you scoff
I don’t wanna be cheered no more
praised no more
grabbed no more
touched no more
loved no more
I don’t wanna show off
REPORTERS
She don’t wanna show off
JANET
I don’t wanna show off
REPORTERS
She don’t wanna show off
JANET
I don’t wanna show off
REPORTERS
She don’t wanna show off
JANET
I don’t wanna show off!
No more!
GANGSTER #2
[Spoken]
Mr. Feldzieg, it is painfully obvious that Ms. Van De Graaff has no desire
to continue the life on the stage
FELDZIEG
Don’t worry boys, this isn’t over yet
KITTY
Yeah, I’m surprised she didn’t do an Encore.
JANET
[Sung]
I don’t want an Encore no more!
Keep em’ shoutin’ for more no more!
Disappear through the floor no more!
I don’t wanna show off.
As We Stumble Along
THE DROWSY CHAPERONE:
As we stumble along
on life’s funny journey.
As we stumble along
into the blue.
We look here and we look there.
Seeking answers anywhere.
Never sure of where to turn or what to do.
Still we bumble our way
through life’s crazy labrynth.
Barely knowing left from right
nor right from wrong.
And the best that we can do
is hope a blue bird,
will sing his song
as we stumble along.
It’s a dismal little world in which we live.
It can bore you till you’ve nothing left to give.
Seven overrated wonders, sever underwhelming seas.
Six excrusciating continants.
Antarctica. Oh please!
But you mustn’t let it lick you
this planet oh so bland.
Keep your eyeball on the highball
in your hand.
As we stumble along
‘cross life’s crowded dance floors.
As we push and we shove
we live and we learn.
And when we finally leave the bar,
And we see that morning star,
we pull our boot straps up
and homeward turn.
Then we stumble away
through dawns blinding sunbeams.
Barely knowing right from right
nor left from wrong.
But as long as we can hear that little blue bird
There’ll be a song
as we stumble along.
As we stumble,
bumble,
fumble,
plumble,
As we stumble along.
Adolpho
ALDOLPHO
I’m sure that you have heard the name Aldolpho
A ladies’ man who wins acclaim Aldolpho
Well lovely miss I am the same Aldolpho
I introduce myself
I am Aldolpho
DROWSY
Nice to meet you, shall we?
ALDOPHO
Not so fast . . .
So just in case you didn’t hear Aldolpho
I’ll try to make it very clear Aldolpho
The lovely ladies always cheer Aldolpho
When I repeat myself
I am Aldolpho
DROWSY
Understood.
ALDOLPHO
I can sing it high – Aldolpho
I can sing it low – Aldolpho
I can sing it very fast – Aldolpho
I can sing it very slow . . .ly
I’d do it now, but it would take hours. Now let us see if you can remember my name
DROWSY
I’ll give it a shot.
ALDOLPHO
Now who’s the fellow that you see?
DROWSY
Aldolpho
ALDOLPHO
And how should you refer to me?
DROWSY
Aldolpho
ALDOLPHO
And who is it I’ll always be?
DROWSY
Aldolpho
ALDOLPHO
Now sing it proudly
DROWSY
You are Aldolpho
ALDOLPHO
Now let me spell it out for you
For all you lovely ladies that didn’t hear for some reason
Because maybe you are hard of hearing or something – I don’t know
It goes A-A-A-A-A-A-L
DO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HOL
F-F-F-F-F-FO
I am Aldolpho
Aldolpho.
Accident Waiting to Happen
ROBERT
There was a time I could stop on a dime
Forbearance was one of my talents
But since you’ve been around I can’t hold my ground
I’m consistently losing my balance
I’m an accident waiting to happen
I’m a mishap about to ensue
I’m the toy on the stair
The three legged chair
The hem that’s been caught by a shoe
When my two lovesick arms started flappin’
There was nothing my ankles could do
I’m an accident waiting to happen
So how be I happen to you
JANET
When men say I’m sweet and they fall at my feet
My heart doesn’t beat any faster
But when you lose control
It touches my soul
So I’m bracing myself for disaster
You’re an accident waiting to happen
A catastrophe destined to be
ROBERT
I’m the rags in the cellar
JANET
A broken umbreller
ROBERT & JANET
A branch hanging loose from a tree
JANET
I can see myself jumpin’ and clappin’
For a man who lives dangerously
ROBERT & JANET
You’re/I’m an accident waiting to happen
JANET
So hurry and happen to me
ROBERT & JANET
You’re/I’m an accident waiting to happen
So hurry and happen to me
Toledo Surprise
Gangster 1 & 2
Chop the nuts
Pound the dough
Bake it up
Nice and slow
Then you got a Toledo
Toledo Surprise
Feldzeig (spoken)
Now sing it!
Gangster 1 & 2 (sung)
Pit the peach
Peel the skin
Mush it up
Throw it in
That’s a tasty Toledo
Toledo Surprise
First you beat it up
Then you sweet it up
When you heat it up
If it tries to rise
Don’t let it
It’s a snap
Try it folks
Whip your whites
Split your yolks
Then you got a Toledo
Toledo Surprise
Feldzeig (spoken)
You boys are naturals. Keep it up 5-6-7-8
Kitty
Mr. Feldzeig? OOOh, what’s going on here?
Feldzeig
Ah, Kitty! I’m developing a new act.
Gangsters 1 & 2 (sung)
Toledo Surprise
Kitty (spoken)
YOu’re putting gangsters in the act and you won’t put me in it? They’re not even in the union.
Feldzeig
Shh! You got it all wrong. The new act is for you Kitty. And these boys are you’re backup dancers.
Kitty
Backup dancers? Holy cats!
(sung)
What the hot toledo
Does to my libido
Good? Mmmm, yes indeedo
Sugary yum yum
(pause)
SURPRISE!
Squeeze the cream
Grease the pan
Lick the spoon
Flip the flan
Makes you bust your tuxedo
Toledo Surprise
Aldolpho (spoken)
Wait! Wait! Aldolpho, he make an anouncement. Wedding is off!
George
What? For the love of god, why?
Aldolpho
Aldolpho has made love to the bride!
Feldzeig
That’s not the bride you idiot. That is the chaperone.
Aldolpho
What?
George
The wedding is on!
Janet
The wedding is off!
George
What?
Janet
Robert has kissed a French girl. Her name is Mimi. She’s very beautiful
Robert
I couldn’t help it, Janet. She was just like you. Only French
(JANET slaps ROBERT)
George
Sweet mother of pearl!
Tottendale
Underling?
Undeling
Yes madam?
Tottendale
What is all the commotion about?
Underling
The wedding, madam.
Tottendale
Wedding? Oh, I love weddings.
Underling
I’m afraid it has been called off.
Tottendale
Oh. How terrible.
Feldzeig
Yes, what a tragedy! What a wonderful, wonderful tragedy! Clear the floor boys, I’ll show you how it’s done!
(sung)
First you beat it up
Then you sweet it up
When you heat it up
If it tries to rise
Don’t let it
Toledo Surprise!
Tottendale
Surprise?
Gangster 1
Wait until it’s ready
Tottendale
Surprise?
Gangster 2
Wait until it’s ready
Tottendale
Surprise?
Feldzeig
Wait until it’s ready
Kitty
Now it’s lookin’ ready
Tottendale
Surprise!
Gangster 1 & 2, Kitty, and Feldzeig
You got it
Tottendale
Makes me twitch
Makes me shake
This dessert
Takes the cake
Hits me like a torpedo
Toledo Surprise
Aldolpho
Toledo Surprise
George
Toledo Surprise
Underling
Surprise
Drowsy Chaperone
Surprise
All
Surprise
Surprise
Surprise
Chop the nuts
Pound the dough
Bake it up
Nice and slow
Then you got a Toledo
Toledo Surprise
Then you got a toledo surprise!
Surprise!
Wait until it’s ready
Surprise!
Wait until it’s ready
Surprise!
That’s a tasty Toledo Surprise!
Act 1 Finale
Janet (spoken)
Why are we dancing? Our dreams are in tatters.
Robert
Yes. Yes… But the tune is so infectious!
Janet
Oh Robert! This is the saddest day of my life!
All (sung)
Wedding bells won’t ring
Wedding Bells won’t chime
They will never celebrate their
Happy wedding time!
Bride’s Lament
Man in Chair: [spoken]
Act two of “The Drowsy Chaperone” begins with this:
a hunting lament of a very depressed bride.
Now, when you are listening to this, um, try to ignore the lyrics.
I know it will be difficult but block them out, there not the best.
But the tune is beautiful and it truly communicates the brides state of mind.
Just ignore the lyrics.
Janet: [sung]
I put a monkey on a pedestal
And tried to make that monkey stay
And he did for a time
But he needed to climb
And with other monkeys play
Far away
He left his jacket on the pedestal
Beside his tiny rusty cup
And I haven’t got the strength
To pick them up
Oh monkey, monkey, monkey
You broke my heart in two
But I’ll always save that pedestal
For you
Come my little monkey
Come my little monkey, do
Man in Chair: [spoken]
The melody is so simple
It just floats in the air
And I must confess
I always get a little misty
When I think of that
tiny jacket laying there on that pedestal
It’s long sleeves dangling on the floor
Both: [sung]
Oh, monkey, monkey, monkey
Janet: [sung]
You broke my heart in two
But I’ll always save that pedestal
Man in Chair: [spoken]
Pedestal
Janet: [sung]
For you
Come my little monkey
Come my little monkey, do
Man in Chair: [spoken]
Ok, here we go
Janet: [spoken]
Wait!
Man in Chair: [spoken]
Who are you?
Janet: [spoken]
I’m Janet Van De Graaff!
Man in Chair: [spoken]
Do you need anyone?
Janet: [spoken]
I don’t need anyone!
Man in Chair: [spoken]
What about the love of one man?
Janet: [spoken]
What do I care about the love of one man when I am adored by millions!
[sung]
Do I need to be so gloomy?
Both: [sung]
No, no, no
Janet: [sung]
I could rule the world
If so I choose
Sigmund Freud sends flowers to me every show
Gertrude Stein she handed me a rose
Man in Chair: [spoken]
Now she really lets go
Janet: [sung]
I’m Janet, Janet Van De Graaff
Ain’t no nail that I can’t hammer
Why give up a life of glamour
Life of glamour
Life of glamour
Noooooooo!!
Chorus: [sung]
Monkey monkey
Man in Chair: [spoken]
I love this part
Chorus:
Monkey monkey
Man in Chair: [spoken]
She’s having a complete mental break down!
Chorus: [sung]
Monkey monkey monkey
Janet: [sung]
I’m an accident waiting to happen
Chorus: [sung]
Monkey monkey monkey
Janet: [sung]
I don’t want to show of no more
Chorus: [sung]
Monkey monkey
Janet: [sung]
I don’t want to spread mirth no more
Chorus: [sung]
Monkey monkey
Janet:
Be the greatest on earth no more
I don’t wanna
I wanna
I don’t wanna
I wanna
I don’t
I do
I don’t
I do
I don’t wanna show off
Drowsy, George, Aldolpho, Kitty, Feldzeig, Gangster 1, Gangster 2 & Ensemble: [sung]
Stay Janet stay Janet upon the stage Janet
Millions want to see you shine
Janet: [sung]
And I think sure Janet sure Janet
Future is secure Janet
Millions will do just fine
But any future I could ever care to shape
Includes just one two timin’ cad who drives
Me ape
Chorus: [sung]
She put a monkey on a pedestal
And tried to make that monkey stay
And he did for a time
But he needed to climb
And with other monkeys play
Janet: [spoken]
Oh Robert! What a fool I’ve been! A hapless
Fool! I know now that I love you, but I’ve
Thrown it all away! I love you monkey…but is
Love enough? Is love ever enough?
Chorus: [sung]
That’s the story of a monkey gone astray
Janet: [sung]
I ask
Chorus: [sung]
Monkey monkey
Janet: [sung]
The stars
Chorus: [sung]
Monkey monkey
Janet: [sung]
Above
Is it the monkey or my pedestal
I love
Love is Always Lovely in the End
Tottendale
Love make lovers worry
Love makes lovers fret
But here’s a fact on which we can depend
Just like long ago when Romeo loved Juliet
Love is always lovely in the end
Underling (spoken)
Romeo and Juliet was a tragedy, Madam.
Tottendale
Oh, I never read reviews
(sung)
Love can start a quarrel
Love can cause a din
But love has always been a trusty friend
Twas a happy fate for Hank the Eight and Anne Boleyn
Love is always lovely in the end
Underling (spoken)
I must point out Madam, that Anne Boleyn lost her head
Tottendale
Yes. Because she was IN LOVE!
(sung)
Love was good to Eve and Adam
Underling (spoken)
Here we go again
Tottendale (sung)
And Sampson and Delilah too
Underling (spoken)
Good grief
(sung)
May I pose a question Madam?
Tottendale (spoken)
Why yes. Of course.
Underling (sung)
Why does nothing I sayto you ever get through?
Tottendale (spoken)
Don’t mind if I do.
Underling and Tottendale (sung)
Love is always lovely in the end.
Tottendale
Love sneaks up behind you
Love drops from above
But love would never conciously offend
Love has certainly been kind to me and my true love
Love is alway lovely in the end
Underling
But your husband was a brute.
Tottendale
I don’t mean HIM you silly coot
Underling (spoken)
Oh, Madam!
Tottendale (sung)
Love is always lovely
Underling
Lovely lovely lovely
Underling and Tottendale
Love is alway lovely in the end
Love is alway lovely in the end
I Do, I Do in the Sky
Trix:
A bride and groom in the chaple
May bring a tear to the eye
But what a thrill
When love bird trill
I do, I do, in the sky!
When vows are said in a meadow
The bees and daffodils sigh
But what we trust
When sweethearts gush
I do, I do, in the sky!
Ensamble (same time):
When vows are said in a mewdow
Ahhhhhh
I do, I do, in the sky!
Trix:
Do you?
Mr. Felzing and Kitty:
We do!
Trix:
Do you?
The Drowsy Chaperone and Aldolpho:
We do!
Trix:
Do you?
Mrs. Tottendale and Underling:
We do!
Trix:
Do you?
Janet and Robert:
We do!
Everyone:
A bride and groom in the chaple
May bring a tear to the eye
Trix:
With rainbows bending before us
And clouds meandering by
One can’t restrian
That sweet refrain
Everyone:
I do, I do, in the sky!
When vows are said in a meadow
The bees and daffodils sigh
Trix:
Ahhhhh
But heartbeats rush
When sweethearts gush
Everyone:
I do, I do
Trix:
In the sky!
Everyone:
I do, I do, in the sky!
Boys (spoken):
Look! Up ahead! Do you see it?
Girls (spoken):
Could it be? Yes! It’s Rio!
Janet (spoken):
Well hurry up Trix! We’ve got some honeymoonin’ to do!
Everyone:
Then fly!
Then fly!
Trix:
Then fly!
Everyone:
It’s such a thrill
When lovebirds crill
Fly!
And cloads meandering by
Trix:
One can’t restrain
That sweet refrain
I do!
Couples:
I do!
I do!
I do!
Everyone:
I do!
Up in the sky!