Ruffhousin’ Mit Shuffhausen
LAWRENCE
I understand you are completely numb from the waist down, is that correct?
FREDDY
Yes, sir.
LAWRENCE
No feeling whatsoever?
FREDDY
Mmhmm. That’s right.
LAWRENCE
I see. So…
This little piggy says-
FREDDY
-Nothing
LAWRENCE
And this little piggy, the same?
FREDDY
Uh-huh.
LAWRENCE
I suppose that it’s futile
To wiggle or doodle
Or jiggle this piggle
Well, ain’t that a shame.
And this one?
FREDDY
Like wood.
LAWRENCE
And this one.
(Freddy shakes his head.)
Sehr gut.
So, that’s the entire contingent
We’ll have to try something a little more stringent.
(He pulls a pussy willow branch from a vase and whips it through the air.)
CHRISTINE
Stringent?
LAWRENCE
Trust me, Fraulein, I am a doctor.
When I was young and I was cute
And I was in the Institute,
They banged it in us like a drum,
The Corpus Hippocraticum.
So just before you graduate
You raise your hand
And stand up straight
And everybody has to quoth
That zippy Hippy-cratic Oath.
You swear to God to heal the sick
But do no damage-that’s the trick,
Even if you have to lop a leg
Or God forbid, an arm.
If it’s the best, go crack a cheat
Or slice ’em open like a wurst
But first-
Do no harm.
(He whacks Freddy on the legs with the pussy willow)
Yodekayeeoo
Nothing?
FREDDY
Nope.
LAWRENCE
Hm.
A medical professional,
Before he starts a session’ll
Be sure to pause and clear his head
And think on what Old Hippo said-
A real mensch with lots of heart
Bestowed on us this noble art
And let me tell you, that ain’t easy
In three-hundred and eighty B.C.
Defend the weak and mend the ill,
Prescribe a pill, then send a bill-
For many years the system has
Been working like a charm
But you must recollect
With great respect
Hippocrates and what he versed-
First-
Do no-
(WHACK!)
FREDDY
YOW-DELAYEEOO
LAWRENCE
That’s lovely my boy.
CHRISTINE
But Doctor, this seems so cruel.
LAWRENCE
On the contrary, Fraulein, Sergeant
Benson would be the happiest man
on earth if he could feel any pain-
Yah?
FREDDY
You bet!
LAWRENCE
Let’s all yodel!
(They do.)
I said yodel!
(WHACK!)
The Corpus Hippocraticum
Like bats out of the attic-com
Like popes out of the Vati-com
CHRISTINE
Like nylon sheets with static com
LAWRENCE
Like jockeys from the paddock com
CHRISTINE
Or fishsticks from the haddock com
LAWRENCE
Or you psychosomatc come to me
(He suddenly turns and exits. Freddy breathes a sigh of relief.)
FREDDY
Well, I guess that’s that
(Lawrence runs back in brandishing the pussy willow and gives him the biggest WHACK yet.)
LAWRENCE
I look at him, the sorry face
I know I have to take this case-
It’s who I am, it’s what I do-
If you were me, you’d have to too.
If I were him or I were you
I’d look at me and like the view
For here I am and here we go
Hippocrates would wish it so.
This man intrigues me, I will take
Sergeant Benson on as my patient.
CHRISTINE
Doctor, look! He’s so happy he’s
crying! Do you really think you can
have him walking again?
LAWRENCE
Walking? I’ll have him running,
jumping, shouting, shrieking. Or my
name isn’t…
(Punctuating each word with a whack on Freddy’s legs)
Dr.
(Whack)
Emil
(Whack)
Shuffhausen
(And just for good measure:)
The third!(WHACK!)
Like Zis/Like Zat
ANDRE
Like zis- ze moon,
As round as a balloon
Suspended like a bauble in ze sky.
Like zat- a tune
Zat wafts above the dune
And sweetly flutters like a butterfly.
If ze past were plus parfait
We’d have met another day
When we both were young and gay
And thin,
But the present’s rather tense,
So I think it makes some sense
For us to both
Give up,
Give in.
Like zat-ze sky
A shooting star goes by-
A message you and I
Cannot dismiss.
So I’m wishing for a dose
Of being nice and close
Like zis, like zat, like dis.
MURIEL
Of the future, who can tell,
Though we hope it turns out well
No one can know just when his bell
Will toll,
So let’s live in the here and now
And let it show us how
To find a way
To lose control.
Like zat, ze rose,
Delightful to ze nose,
But nowhere near
As perfect as a kiss-
ANDRE
And though I am no prance-
MURIEL
No prince.
ANDRE
My looks may make you wance-
MURIEL
No, wince.
ANDRE
I offer you romance-
MURIEL
Ro-mince.
ANDRE
Aah!
Come on, let’s dince.
(As they dance)
We’ve never been introduced.
MURIEL
I’m Muriel of Omaha.
ANDRE
Pleased to meet you.
MURIEL
It’s mutual.
ANDRE
Like zat-
MURIEL
Ze rose-
ANDRE
Delightful to ze nose-
ANDRE AND MURIEL
But nowhere near
As perfect as a kiss.
(They kiss)
MURIEL
I like zis.
ANDRE
You like zat?
MURIEL
I like zat.
ANDRE
So do I.
MURIEL
I like zis-
ANDRE AND MURIEL
Like zis.
The More We Dance
LAWRENCE
That squishy little wishy-washy
Crazy little strudel
In his noodle
Makes him lazy in the legs.
So how can we affect his soul,
Direct his soul
To make him whole’s
The question that his situation begs.
Way down deep there at the root he
Really wants to shake his booty
So I think here’s what our duty
With him is-
Find a way we can convince his mind
To send a signal down the spine
To the behind,
Where all the rhythm is.
The more we dance,
The more he sees,
The more we tease,
The more he burns,
The more he yearns
To move his knees
Like Cyd Charisse,
The more he learns
That life is bursting with joy, so live it.
Here it is boy, so give it a chance!
The more we dance,
The more we do,
The more he’ll whine,
The more he’ll pout
Until he fin’lly bottoms out
And then he’ll rise and he’ll shine and
He’ll prance- so let’s dance!
(They now join other couples dancing along the romantic spots of the Riviera.)
The more we laugh,
The more we grin,
The more he’ll have
To join right in
The more we glow
And show our joy,
The more I’m sure
We’ll cure the boy.
It isn’t easy to put him through it-
Remember, we do it on his behalf.
So let’s guf-far
In his guf-face
While we im-bibe
And we im-brace,
No more ‘I don’ts,’
No more ‘I won’ts,’
No more ‘I can’ts.’
So let’s dance!
I have an idea. Love put him in that
chair, perhaps love can get him out of it.
CHRISTINE
What do you mean?
LAWRENCE
The more we squeeze
The more we kiss
CHRISTINE
You mean like this?
(She kisses him deeply in the name of science.)
LAWRENCE
Gott im Himmel.
CHRISTINE
Was that all right?
LAWRENCE
Ja…Wunderbar.
We must be cruel to fuel his desire.
Let’s put another log on the fire-
Come on, let’s jump! Let’s dip!
Maybe that chump will get a grip.
The Macarana will make him saner
As we say in Vienna-
ALL
Ole!
The more we flirt,
the more overt,
The more his heart
Will start to hurt
And this insert
A lot of ants
Into his pants-
Love Is My Legs
FREDDY
I was alone and cold and damp,
I tried to fly
But both my wings would cramp
‘Til you came along and lit the lamp
To guide me to my exit ramp.
Love is my legs and you are my love
So you are my legs, my love.
Finally I understand
How hope is the hand
That squeezes a heart
And helps it to start once again.
CHRISTINE
Now stand up and walk to me.
FREDDY
I can’t.
CHRISTINE
YOU CAN!
Faith are the toes
Attatched to your feet
So I’ll be your feet completely,
Always there to strive in your socks,
Alive in your socks,
No longer dejected,
Two feet resurrected-
Connected to legs which is love-
FREDDY
Love is my legs!
CHRISTINE
Stand up. Come to me!
Love is your legs!
FREDDY
Oh my God, I’m standing! I’m standing!
FREDDY/CHRISTINE
Love is my/your legs.
CHRISTINE
Now come to me, soldier.
FREDDY
I’m still afraid.
CHRISTINE
I know you can do it.
Please try.
(Freddy takes a few faltering steps and staggers towards her.)
FREDDY
I did it. I’m walking!
CHRISTINE
Do you want to rest?
FREDDY
No, I want to keep going. My legs are
full of love. Stand over there.
CHRISTINE
(Moving towards the bed)
Here?
FREDDY
Further.
CHRSTINE
How far do you want to go?
FREDDY
All the way!
Love is my legs
And you are my love
So you are my
feet-bones of love.
CHRISTNE/CHOIR
The leg-bone’s
Connected to ankle-bones
Connected to
Feet-bones of love.
FREDDY/CHRISTINE
Help me scrape the
Rust from my heart,
Blow the
Dust from my heart
Then help me adjust
To the trust
That you thrust
In my heart
With your legs full of-
CHRISTINE/CHOIR
-Love is your legs-
FREDDY
It was all in my head-
CHRISTINE/CHOIR
Love is your legs-
FREDDY
Now you get on that bed!
CHRISTINE/CHOIR
Love is your legs-
FREDDY
Here I come!
Hope is your hand.
CHRISTINE
Faith is your feet.
FREDDY
Love is my legs.
CHRISTINE
Love is your legs
FREDDY/CHRISTINE
Love is my/your legs.
Love Sneaks In
LAWRENCE
Love sneaks in
When everything seems quiet,
Set the bait
And like a fool you buy it.
Your famous self-possession’s
Vanished from your repertoire-
This is what can happen when you
Leave the door ajar..
And love sneaks in
And whispers to you sweetly
Silly words that change your life
completely.
You’re fumbling in the dark.
The master’s now the mark.
You’re out of luck
If love sneaks in on you.
The player has been nicely played
The mocker’s now the mocked-
That’s what tends to happen when
You leave the door unlocked.
And love sneaks through
The usual defenses.,
The sighs, the smirks
That state the old pretenses.
What’s gone is what you were.
What’s left is all a blur.
You’re stung, you’re stuck
For love snuck in with her.
Son Of Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
I win! I win!
I WIN, I WIN, I WIN!
I get the dough, I get the broad,
I’m gettin’ rid of Sigmund Fraud
I’m gettin’ paid
For all my work.
Plus I get laid-
Now there’s a perk.
I’m gettin’
Great Big Stuff
No friggin’ doubt about it.
Great Big Stuff
How did I live without it?
Great Big Stuff
I finally get my taste
And it’s going to my head
I mean the one below my waist.
I’m so very…very…happy!
I made her like me,
I made her care
And now she’s ready
And right in there.
She says she loves me.
She says she-
She says she loves me?
Great Big stuff
CHRISTINE
Look at the way the moon behaves-
FREDDY
Great Big Stuff
CHRISTINE
Look at the way she paints
A silver ribbon on the waves
Leading directly to me and you-
FREDDY
(Fingers in ears)
Greatbigstuffgreatbigstuffgreat
bigstuffgreatbigstuff…
CHRISTINE
Nothing is too wonderful-
FREDDY
Great Big…
Nothing is too wonderful
(As they run together, they accidentally clunk heads, and Freddy is knocked out.)
CHRISTINE
Buzz? Buzz? I do that a lot.
The Reckoning
LAWRENCE
How could you do that to her?
FREDDY
Do what to her?
We’re in her room,
The lights are low.
I’ve got it made,
All systems go.
I’m in. She’s down-
The hair; the gown-
We go to kiss;
She conks me out.
Then I wake up
With nothing on.
She took my clothes.
My shoes are gone.
My wallet’s gone.
My watch is gone.
And here I am a shmuck in a robe.
LAWRENCE
And you expect me to believe that
when she just returned the fifty
thousand dollars I gave to her?
FREDDY
What fifty thousand dollars?
LAWRENCE
The fifty thousand dollars that you stole from her!
FREDDY
I didn’t steal and fifty thousand dollars from her!
(They look at each other and run to the briefcase)
Hey, there’s my clothes.
(They find a note inside and read:)
CHRISTINE’S VOICE
‘Goodbye boys. It was fun.
Love, The Jackal!
FREDDY
The more I cried,
The more she cared.
The more I liked,
The more she bared.
The more I sang,
The more she sung.
I mean, come on,
She gave me tongue!
ANDRE
Amazing
Zis idot.
I hate to say I told you so-
LAWRENCE
Amazing.
The Timing,
She really had me down-
ANDRE
So young, so good,
So right, so nice.
She played you like a pair of dice
LAWRENCE
The eyes, the smile,
The joy, the hope,
The hair, the clothes
ANDRE
Ze soap!
ALL
The soap!
LAWRENCE
The soap!
FREDDY
That lousy, stinking, lying, cheating,
totally dishonest, dirty, rotten-
LAWRENCE
Yes Freddy, isn’t she wonderful!
Dirty Rotten Number
LAWRENCE
You may be master of
Your chosen occupation
With several strings of
Polo ponies in your stable-
You must remember all the same
That at the crux of every game
Is knowing when it’s time
To leave the table.
And it’s important to be artful
in your exit-
No turning back, you must accept
the con is done,
But now and then, you might recall
The moments when you had it all-
You had the charm,
You had the talent
And, my God, you had some fun.
It was a ball, it was a blast
And it’s a shame it couldn’t last,
But every chapter has to end,
You must agree.
It was a joy, it was sublime,
A splendid way to earn a dime
For a dirty rotten guy like me.
When you look back on all your
conquests and deceptions
You see a thousand flawless pearls
set in a strand,
Laid out from Biarritz to Rome,
Each one as perfect as a poem-
An opus to be proud of though it’s
written in the sand.
It was a ball, it was a thrill,
You had the grace, you had the skill
To know exactly what to say
And what to do.
You wouldn’t trade a single day
Or have it any other way-
A dirty rotten guy like you.
FREDDY
It’s almost a religion-
The need to take a pigeon
And to play your part
With elegance and zest
But when it’s time to fold the act
And your duffel bag is packed
Take comfort in the fact
That you’ve been
working with the best.
It was a blast, it was a ball
It was a gas, I loved it all
‘Cause I was hanging with the man
And that’s a plus.
LAWRENCE
Aw, Freddy.
You’ve got the verve
FREDDY
You’ve got the guts-
LAWRENCE
You’ve got the nerve-
FREDDY
You’ve got the nuts!
LAWRENCE
I guess we’re
LAWRENCE/FREDDY
-Dirty rotten crooks, dirty rotten shnooks-
It was a trip, it was a blast
It was a shame it couldn’t lsat
‘Cause it was almost
Too prodigious to discuss.
LAWRENCE
So we got screwed for fifty-grand-
FREDDY
I think we still deserve a hand-
LAWRENCE/FREDDY
Dirty
Rotten
Guys-
Like us!
Finale
CHRISTINE
Y’know, boys,I cleared over five
million dollars last year, but I gotta
tell you – your fifty thousand was the
most fun I ever had.
It was a ball
It was a blast.
‘Cause I was hanging with the boys
And that’s a plus.
You’ve got the class,
You’ve got the cheek,
LAWRENCE
You’ve got he brains.
CHRISTINE
Let’s get that Greek.
FREDDY
I guess we’re dirty rotten crooks…
LAWRENCE
Dirty rotten shnooks…
CHRISTINE
Dirty rotten guys…
ALL
It was a trip,
It was a ball,
It was a kick,
I loved it all,
‘Cause it was almost too prodigious
to discuss-
CHRISTINE
And though two aces beat you blind,
They’ll never beat three of a kind-
ALL/ENSEMBLE
Filthy,
Shamelss,
Lyin’,
Cheatin’,
Dirty rotten guys…
Like us!