Give Them What They Want
LAWRENCE
Left hand, side pocket
Right arm, akimbo and relaxed
Head up, gaze steady-
Now you’re ready so you
Stroll in, survey them-
Your world, they’re all invited guests.
Feel out how to play them
And remember this-
You’re giving them what they want,
ANDRE
Za ba zoovee
LAWRENCE
Giving them what they want,
An adventure all their own.
LAWNRENCE/ANDRE
Giving them what they want
LAWRENCE
Like they’re in a movie
And never forget that what they
want is-
Half smile-
ANDRE
Demi sourire
LAWRENCE
David Niven
ANDRE
Put on a-
LAWRENCE/ANDRE
Bold countenance, both tragic and amused.
LAWRENCE
High style
ANDRE
Ah, comme il faut!
LAWRENCE
That’s a given
ANDRE
And don’t forget
LAWRENCE
All I’m doing is, I’m-
LAWRENCE/ANDRE/ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Giving them what they want
LAWRENCE/ANDRE
Doo ba zootie
LAWRENCE/ANDRE/ENSEMBLE WOMEN
Specifically what they want,
LAWRENCE
All tied up with a bow
For as the poet said-
ANDRE
Keats-
WOMEN
-“Truth is beauty”
LAWRENCE
-And that is all you really
Need to know
LENORE
Your grace!
LAWRENCE
This Lady is Lenore
She feels her life’s become a bore.
You see her husband’s
Ninety-four this May.
Buy hey, she’s down for fifty mil,
In an addendum to his will
And where ever there’s a will
There is a way.
I always say-
ALL
Give them what they want
LAWRENCE/ANDRE
Smooth and breezy
ALL
Exactly what they want
LENORE
An escape from the ennui
ALL
Give them what they want
ANDRE
Nothing cheap or cheesy.
LAWRENCE
Remember what they really want is-
ANDRE
Exhibit B:
LAWRENCE
Sophia, loaded down with lire,
Spied a grey hair in the mirror
So she made a resolution to cut loose.
Her family fortune is obscence.
Her Dad invented Orangina
Now sit back and watch
While I turn up the juice-
ENSEMBLE
Top of the illusion,
For fantasy, the man to see is you
And so in conclusion,
All you’re doing is you’re-
ALL
Giving them what they want-
LENORE
Fire-
SOPIA
And passion-
ALL
Exactly what they want
ANDRE
‘Til it’s time to cash in-
LAWRENCE
And then you’ve got to leave them
wanting-
ALL
More, more, more,
More, more, more!
Give them what they want-
Give them what they want-
Give them what they want-
Some sugar in their tea.
Give them what they want!
LAWRENCE
Here, I’ll make it easy-
Remember what they really want is-
ENSEMBLE
What we really want is…Ah-
LAWRENCE
Me.
ENSEMBLE
Mais oui!
What Was A Woman To Do
MURIEL
Last night I met a man beneath a pale
And haunted moon-
A man no woman could refuse.
Bold and assertive with a
Furtive air of mystery.
Magically long of lash,
Tragically short of cash.
As he approached he wore
An aura of nobility.
I wore these Ferragamo shoes.
This was at last, I knew, my
Rendezvous with History.
What was a woman,
What was a woman to do?
And when he smiled he lit the night
With grace and confidence.
His teeth were clean and straight and
white just like a picket fence.
I couldn’t look directly at them-
They were that intense.
What was a woman,
What was a woman to do?’
I never realized how long
My heart had been ignored.
He said my name and it rang out just
Like some major chord.
If music be the food of love,
He ate my Smorgasbord.
What was a woman-
WOMAN #1
What was a woman-
WOMAN # 2
What was a woman to do?
WOMEN
Last night I met a prince
And suddenly my life has changed-
I have a purpose and a cause
(to help my dreamy royal boyfiend.)
MURIEL
He’s off rebelling,
And I’m kveling here,
But never mind.
WOMAN #2
He’s just so- ooo!
WOMAN #3
So suave it makes you mental
MURIEL
So goddamn continental
WOMEN
Who’d guess that I would be the only
one to whom he’d turn-
This man of brio
And panache
MURIEL
He gave me romance and the feeling
I was young again.
WOMAN#1
I gave him hope and strength and
WOMEN
A check made out to cash.
USHERETTE
He had the most amazing eyes
That I had ever seen.
He came in with a ticket
For the Second Mezzanine.
I ripped it up and put him right down
there in J-13.
MURIEL
Miss? If you don’t mind…
USHERETTE
What was a woman-
WOMEN
What was a woman-
MURIEL
What was a woman to do?
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
I thought I’d seen it all,
I thought I knew the score.
But coming here, I’ve found a world
I’d never seen before.
Now I know where I belong-
A life of taste and class
With culture and sophisitication
pouring out my ass
Gimme
Great Big Stuff
This is how I gotta live-
Great Big Stuff
Uh-uh no alternative-
Great big stuff
I want my silver spoon.
Don’t need it right now
But I better get it soon.
I want a mansion with a moat
Around which I will float
With some vast-bottom babies
In my glass-bottom boat.
FREDDY/HOUSEKEEPERS
A house in the Bahamas-
FREDDY
Paisley silk pajamas-
Poker with Al Roker
And our friend Lorenzo Lamas.
Gimme-
FREDDY/ENSMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
I really do deserve it.
FREDDY/ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
With servants who will serve it.
FREDDY/ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
I don’t give a damn what it’s fer,
Every day’s my birthday,
Every night is my Bar Mitzver.
Oh give me a home
Where the centerfolds roam
Guccione on the phone,
He got a party going on-
And Hef’ll have me over
To play some naked Twister
Blotto in the Grotto
With a Playmate and her sister.
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
Rap stars’ll love me!
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
Get me a posse! A’ight!
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
Chillin’in the city,
Sittin’ pretty in the Caddy
With P. Daddy or Puff Diddy
-or whatever!
I’ll change my name too!
I’ll get my hatchback all pimped-out.
The Islands in the winter
The Hamptons in the summer,
The fashion plate I date’ll give me
Hummers in my Hummer.
The cash to keep me idle,
The chicks to keep me vital,
The pills to keep me happy
Even when I’m suicidal.
ENSEMBLE
Great big stuff
FREDDY
Nothin crass or crappy-
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
That would make me very happy.
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
Bring it out and make it snappy.
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
I want some really classy shit-
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
Like a mink tracksuit-
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
My own personal Zamboni-
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
Lot’s of unnecessary surgery-
ENSEMBLE
Great Big Stuff
FREDDY
I can finally afford to see a Broadway show!
ENSEMBLE
Great Big stuff
FREDDY
Gout.
ENSEMBLE
Great Big,
Great Big,
Great Big ,
Great Big Stuff-
FREDDY
I just want someone to
Love me…
For my money
ALL
Yeah!
Chimp In A Suit
ANDRE
Dress up a monkey in Armani,
He may seem precocious and cute.
Despite all that primpin’,
You still got a chimp in a suit.
Teach him the second
Verse of “Swanee”
And most of “Moon River” to boot.
Sure people will gape
But you still got an ape
in a suit.
Shprizt him ’til wet
With the Eau de Toilette
And you’re still gonna get
A stench.
Dampen him well
In a quart of Chanel,
It won’t cover the smell-
I should know, I’m French!
Take him to see Don Giovanni,
Show him Cezanne’s lovely fruit,
Teach him to cook
From Escoffier’s book,
He’s still a gorrila en croute-
You still got a chimp in a suit.
So you’ve shaved off his fur,
Decked him out in couture
And endowed him with pure
Savior Fare-
You dressed him up fancy
And trained him to dance, he
Remains a chimpan-cee,
He’s not Fred Astaire!
Give him a dandy little topper,
Tie on a natty cravat
Buy him a castle,
He’ll still be an asshole
And nothing you do will change that –
He’s still just a stinky little minkey
In a dinky little suit
And a cheap little hat!
Oklahoma?
JOLENE
Down in the Panhandle
Where we manhandle
All that beef cattle
And the snakes rattle
And the wind whistles
Through the dead thistles,
It’s a little piece of heaven
With a big house’n
Lots of big cows’n
Lots of big sky’n
Lots of dust flyin’
And I’ll be so happy since
I’m bringing home a prince
To my little piece of heaven,
Oklahoma.
Don’t you love it when the bobcats howl?
Don’t you love it when the coyotes cough?
Well, I know a few tricks
With a thirty ought-six
‘n you can watch me blow those little
fucker’s heads clean off.
And then, oh boy-
We’ll go two steppin-
Through the arroyo,
Watch what you step in
‘Cause them cattle eat their share
And it’s gotta go somewhere
In my little piece of heaven,
Oklahoma.
And we’ll motor into Tulsa for the weeken’-
Through the windows of the pickup
we’ll be peekin’-
Not a tree or a Jew
To block the lovely view.
There’s a race track and a zoo-
ENSEMBLE
And Oral Roberts U!
JOLENE
And we’ll dress you up nifty
In a big Stetson
With some SPF 50
So no sun gets in
‘Cause that freckly on your skin
Can do a feller in
And the shade is mighty thin in
Oklahoma
And our leading cause of death
is Melanoma
ENSEMBLE
Melanoma!
Hyah!
All About Ruprecht
LAWRENCE
You see, my dear-
Every royal family, by its nature,
Has a sort of price that it must pay.
Every noble lineage has
One loose gene-
Small as a molecule,
Flitting ’round the family pool.
It’s the sort of thing
One sees in Appalachia
Or in the odd inbred bichon frise.
It really can be such a
Nasty stain on the escutcheon
When a wisp of DNA
Begins to fray, then goes astray.
Caligula had the tempre,
The Hapburgs had the chin.
George the Third went cuckoo-bird
And Nero had that violin-
Richard, you’ll remember,
Had the hump and
The withered limb.
The Bushes of Tex
Were nervous wrecks
Because their son was dim,
But look what happened to him.
Alas, our family also
Carries a bit of a curse
But darling, it could be
A great deal worse.
Thus ends the verse.
Ruprecht’s all about
Sun and soda-pop,
Paws on puppy-dogs, candy-canes,
Ruprecht’s all about
Chocolate bunnies and
Lazy afternoons and daisy-chains.
With a little brother like this
You can’t help but have
A happy home.
With style upon grace
And a smile upon his face
And all that’s missing is a
chromosome.
But Ruprecht’s all about
Hugs and Valentines
That’s why people all say
Hey Ruprecht-
You’re really okay!
Isn’t he adorable?
Ruprecht’s all about hugs and
valentines-
RUPRECHT
-Milkshake enemas-
LAWRENCE
-Fun and play.
Ruprecht’s all about-
RUPRECHT
-Burmese belly-rubs,
Fresh-shaved testicles
On Christmas day.
LAWRENCE
With a smile that’s a mile and a half
And a laugh and a hearty
‘Howdja do?
RUPRECHT
Howdja do!
LAWRENCE
It’s a cinch that we will be
A happy family,
One plus one plus one-
RUPRECHT
-Makes two!
Ruprecht’s crazy ’bout taxidermy
And KY Jelly on a rubber glove!
LAWRENCE
So give him a chance or three,
Let him get to know you
And you’ll agree
That Ruprecht’s…
All about love.
Who’s the happy chappy with the
ulcerated ear?
JOLENE
Ruprecht?
LAWRENCE
Who stays awake all night
hollering out with fear?
JOLENE
Ruprecht?
LAWRENCE
Who likes to spend every
Saturday at the abattoir?
Who gets the cattle-prod if he tries
to hump the samovar?
Who likes to save up all his farts
in a Mason jar?’
You guessed it-
LAWRENCE/FREDDY/ENSEMBLE
It’s Ruprecht,
My buddy Ruprecht-
LAWRENCE
I like him-
LAWRENCE/FREDDY/ENSEMBLE
Ruprecht-
LAWRENCE
And that’s about all.
Here I Am
CHRISTINE
Would ya look at that coffered ceiling,
Look at that chandelier.
Excuse me but how I’m feeling
IS a hundred-proof.
I could raise the roof.
I’m so happy to be here.
I’ve been kind of missing
Mom and Daddy,
Sort of in a spin since Cincinatti.
The morning flight, a major bore
But then they open the cabin door
And zoot alors-
Here I am!
Lord knows I had the will
And the resources
But Mom and Dad kept saying
“Hold your horses.”
I guess those poies couldn’t wait-
Pardom me folks but
They’ve left the gate
I may be late, but
Here I am!
Ah,
The way to be, to me, is French
The way to say “La Vie” is French
So here I am, Beaumont Sur Mer, a
Big two weeks on the Rivier-a.
If I’m only dreaming
Please don’t wake me.
Let the summer sun
And breezes take me.
Excuse me if I seem jejeune,
I promise I’ll find my marbles soon
But everywhere I look
It’s like a scene from a book.
Open the book and
Here I am!
I mean
The air is French
That chair is French
This nice sincere sancerre is French
The skies are French
The pies are French
Those guys are French
These fries are French!
Pardon me if I
Fly off the handle,
No place else on earth
Can hold a candle
So, Veni Vidi Vici, folks
Let’s face it,
Je suis ici, folks!
Excusez-moi
If I spot-
I’m letting my
Je n’sais quoi out.
I’m sorry to shout but
CHRISTINE/ENSEMBLE
Here I am!
Nothing Is Too Wonderful To Be True
CHRISTINE
Look at the way the moon behaves.
Look at the way she paints
A silver ribbon on the waves.
One thigg I’ve learbed and I’ll share with you-
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
Each moment opens like a flower.
The age of miracles comes
Every hour on the hour.
Turn any corner,
There’s something new
And nothing is too wonderful
To be true.
If I’m perceived to be
Naive to be the way I am
Let people say I am a silly goof
Is life a plateful? Am I grateful?
Every day I am,
It’s an amazing world in which we live
And I’ve got living proof.
Look at the way the moon behaves.
Look at the way she paints
A silver ribbon on the waves
Leading directly to me and you.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
Oh, can’t you see it? Can’t you see it?
FREDDY
You know, I think I can.
CHRISTINE
Tell me.
FREDDY
Uh…
Magic can happen anywhere
I knew this guy at camp
Who ate his t-shirt on a dare.
My hotel gives away free shampoo.
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
CHRISTINE
Go on.
FREDDY
Geez…
Sometimes God grants
Your heart’s desire-
Once I was caller number eight;
I won a set of tires.
They held up that midget
With Krazy Glue
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
FREDDY/CHRISTINE
Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
The Miracle
CHRISTINE
And when it seems
Your hopes and dreams
Are on the run again,
Bad luck has won again
And it won’t stop-
The clouds wil part
And you will start.
To see the sun again.
And life’s a ball, you’re standing tall,
You’ve found your way back to the top-
Breath in and taste the ocean breeze.
Look at the way the leaves are
Dancing in the banyan trees.
Listen to what they are singing to you-
Nothing is too wonderful-
FREDDY
Nothing is too wonderful-
CHRISTINE/FREDDY
Nothing is too wonderful to be-
(Down in the hotel lobby Andre whispers to a Bellboy)
CHRISTINE
Oh, Sergeant Benson it will happen, you’ll see.
FREDDY
Gosh, Sergeant Benson just sounds so formal. Please, call me Buzz.
CHRISTINE
Alright…Buzz.
(Christine runs down to the hotel lobby and moves to the front desk.)
Excuse me! Pardom me! Please!
I have to mail this urgent letter overnight to Vienna!
BELLBOY
Paging the doctor…
Paging Dr. Shuffhausen-
Paging Dr. Emil Shuffhausen – of Vienna.
(Christine stops in surprise and runs back to Freddy in her hotel suite)
ENSEMBLE
Nothing is too wonderful
CHRISTINE
Buzz!
ENSEMBLE
Nothing is too wonderful
CHRISTINE
You’ll never guess!
ENSEMBLE
Oo oo oo oo Wonderful!
CHRISTINE
Buzz, who is the one person in the
entire world you would most like to
see at this moment?
FREDDY
Grandma?
CHRISTINE
Better-
Presenting Dr Emil Shuffhausen!
(The door opens and Lawrence enters with a smile and a Viennese accent)
LAWRENCE
Good evening, Sergeant Benson.
ENSEMBLE
Ahh!