The Code of the Woosters
Bertie
I obey the Code of the Woosters. It’s a simple philosophy.
When perhaps a chap’s in trouble. I respond with alacrity.
And if my fellow men have problems
Whatever they might be
They call on me
The sterling Wooster B.
For despite
This easy nature
Come the evening
When battle dawns
To see a Wooster
Grab the livestock by both the horns
For when a Wooster’s mask of pleasure
Becomes a steely stare
You’ll know he’s there
He’ll never turn a hair
What would a chap do without it?
How would he get through without it?
How could he stay true wihtout the Code of the Woosters?
If you’re at sea, I shall be there, even put off tea to be there
Woosters have swum oceans for the Code of
Allegiance duly owed to the Wooster Code
What a load
If a girl
Is in the doldrums
Not a paddle
To her name
I’ll be there
Though frankly speaking
Womanizing’s not my game
But if she’s really in a lather
Wild eyed and hat askew
He’ll see her through
Old you know who…
Whenever it calls, can’t ignore it, even give up Ascot for it
Woosters have died gladly for the code of
For that rugged, heavy load called the Wooster Code
What a load
Take my card
In case you need me, if you’re jousting a losing cause
Like the chap
Who wins the double
I can rattle
The natural laws
So if you’re eaten up with anguish
I’ll snatch you from its jaws
No second’s pause
From one sincerely yours…
It’s alright!
He’s on call both day and night
Turning darkness into light
Ubique illuminatus
Wooster is ready to fight!
Wooster is ready to fight!
Travel Hopefully (Part One)
Bertie
I’ve invariably found
That feet kept on the ground
Allow the grass to grow
Check your mirrors front and rear
Slip smoothly into gear
Then hit the road and go
Feel the pistons steady beat
The camshaft ‘neath your feet
That big end start to fly…
Jeeves
May I advise a modicum of caution, sir…
Bertie
He who hesitates is lost
Burn bridges once they’re crossed
Don’t stop to say goodbye
Jeeves
There is a blind corner approaching, sir…
Bertie
My philosophy’s to travel hopefully
And making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company
That welcomes me when I arrive
Hark the mistle-thrush’s cry
The hedge-rows rushing by
The curlew on the wing
Jeeves
That is a crow, sir.
Bertie
List! Some distant church’s bells
‘Midst bracing country smells
Those fields of golden – thing…
Jeeves
Corn, sir.
Bertie
My philosophy’s to travel hopefully
And making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company
That welcomes me when I arrive
Travel’s broadened out my mind
Until today you’ll find…
Jeeves
The widest head I know…
Bertie
Thank you, Jeeves. You did say wisest, didn’t you?
Jeeves
Oh yes, sir.
Bertie
Every traveller I meet
I’ll always stop to greet
Jeeves
Be careful how you go, sir…
Bertie
My philosophy’s to travel hopefully
And making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company
That welcomes me when I arrive
Travel hopefully with me
And I will guarantee
There’ll be no pause for doubt
Hit the nearest country track
No time for looking back
Look onwards and – look out!!!!
Travel Hopefully (Part Two)
Bingo
Sounds sweet
Bertie
Goes like a bird. Hold on to your hat.
Bingo
Hey, this is more like it…
Both
My philosophy’s to travel hopefully
And making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company
That welcomes me when I arrive
Bingo
Travel hopefully with me
Let all your thoughts run free
Bertie
We can’t have come this far…
Bingo
What’s that?
Bertie
Nothing
Bingo
Till with any luck you’ll feel
Your inner voice reveal
Bertie
Just where the hell we are
Both
Hopeful travellers me and you
That Was Nearly Us
Honoria
Did you see that couple there?
Bertie
Can’t say I did…
Honoria
Standing by the tree?
Bertie
Really? Was it raining?
Honoria
That was nearly us back there
Bertie
Don’t quite follow…
Honoria
Nearly you and me
Bertie
Oh yes, I see. Brrmmm!
Honoria
Bertie, you’ve been badly neglected
You need a wife who’ll correct it
The secret with men, of course, is
To treat them a bit like horses…
Did you see those lovers there?
Bertie
No, I think they were pheasants, actually…
Honoria
Even you could see
Bertie
Oh, lovers! I thought you said plovers, sorry.
Honoria
Oh, so nearly us back there
Bertie
Was it? Nearly ran over them, then…
Honoria
Nearly you and me
Bertie
Appear to be running out of cardboard…
Honoria
Could it be we took some wrong turning?
Is this a lesson worth learning?
Can’t you see that couple there
Could well have been you and me?
Bertie
Hump back bridge!
Honoria
That was nearly us back there
Wouldn’t you concur?
Bertie
Hairpin bend, hang on…
Honoria
He was so like you back there
I could have been her
Bertie
No, I think they were both very much shorter.
Honoria
Here you are, so vital, attractive-
Would that your brain was as active
You’re nobody’s intellectual
You hot-blooded het’rosexual…
Bertie
Oh, now, simmer down…
Honoria
Was it merely lucky chance
Brought us here today?
Victims both of circumstance
Meeting you this way
Bertie
Brrrrmmmm! Brrrrrmmmm!!
Honoria
It’s as though our lives had been frozen
Back on the paths we’d both chosen
Giving us a fleeting glimpse
Of all that was meant to be
That was surely us back there
It’s as clear as day
If we’d both kept faith back there
Hadn’t lost our way
Bertie
Nearly there … Here’s the village
Honoria
What if we defied dull convention?
Stood up to shout our intention?
Bertie
Steady!
Honoria
If we’d followed our heart’s volition
and shed our last inhibition?
Bertie
Here we are! At last!
Honoria
That’s out future life back there
Bertie
Cheerio then!
Honoria
Bertie, can’t you see?
Bertie
You’d better hop in there smartish…
Honoria
That was meant for us back there
Bertie
You don’t want to get gangrene…
Honoria
All we’re meant to be
Time we took the plain facts and faced them
Turned in our tracks and retraced them
Back to when that couple there
So clearly were you and me…
Love’s Maze
Stiffy
Deep in love’s maze
There my heart strays
Caught in a flurry of worry and doubt
Down love’s pathways
There my heart plays
Whispering secrets it’s longing to shout
All I need’s a sympathetic friend
To help me find a way to leave –
Love’s maze is a magical labyrinth
Close paths hidden far from gaze
Love’s maze is for lovers in jeopardy
Lost there in a rainbow haze
Won’t you save me?
Please assist me
Help me decipher its intricate ways?
Love has touched me
Love has kissed me
Holding me prisoner deep in this maze
Bertie
Well, you can’t blame me. Cupid never pays
You’ll saunter round for day’s inside love’s –
Stiffy
Love’s maze is a mystical wonderland
Conceals what the heart conveys
Love’s maze is a puzzle in paradise
Misleads all the eye surveys
Bertie
I did warn you
I have sworn to
Steer a wide berth, for I know to my cost
It’s predicted
Self-inflicted
People in mazes do tend to get lost
Stiffy
All I need’s a very special friend
To rescue me from here inside
Stiffy & Maids
Love’s maze is a crazy kaleidoscope
All roads leading diff’rent ways
Love’s maze, like a swaying calliope
One dance where the piper pays
Love’s maze is a hatter’s mad party time
One feast lasting nights and days
Love’s maze is a firework spectacular
Bright skies as the bonfires blaze
All praise as we dance in its corridors
All part of these grand displays
Behold every lover who’s ever born
All lost in their own love’s maze
Stiffy
All I need’s a little help from you…
Bertie
You’ll never drag me there inside love’s –
All
Love’s maze is a crazy kaleidoscope
All roads leading diff’rent ways
Love’s maze, like a swaying calliope
One dance where the piper pays
Love’s maze is a hatter’s mad party time
One feast lasting nights and days
Love’s maze is a firework spectacular
Bright skies as the bonfires blaze
Love’s maze is a magical labyrinth
Close paths hidden far from gaze
Love’s maze is for lovers in jeopardy
Lost there in a rainbow haze
All praise as we dance in its corridors
All part of these grand displays
Behold every lover who’s ever born
All lost in their own love’s maze
The Hallo Song
Bertie
It’s an English tradition
We like to say hallo
We hope by shaking hands that we’ll recall your name
We work on that basis, remembering faces
But that’s about all
I know you’re somebody something
It’s on the tip of my tongue
You’re either Edith Sitwell or the Bow Street Beak
I’ll know who you are, the moment you speak …
But meanwhile, just put in right there
How do you do?
Budge
How do you do?
Gussie
How do you do?
Bertie
Hallo again…
Budge
How goes it all?
Gussie
Good day to you
Bertie
You keeping fit?
Budge
So great to meet you
Gussie
It’s been an age
Bertie
A tiny world
Budge
How do you –
Gussie
How do you –
Bertie
How do you –
Budge
How do you –
All
How do you do?
Budge
How’s life with you?
Gussie
Good evening all
Bertie
You’re looking well
Budge
Well, hi there, stranger
Gussie
Surprise, surprise
Bertie
What could be nicer, meeting like this?
I confess I’ve forgotten
Who on earth you can be
It could be you’re Nijinsky or the man next door-
Budge
How do you –
Gussie
How do you –
Bertie
How do you –
Budge
How do you –
All
How do you do?
Gussie
You’re either Pablo Picasso
Budge
Or maybe Harpo Marx
Bertie
You might be Sarah Bernhardt – no, you’re Wittgenstein
Gussie
Whoever I am though, the pleasure’s all mine
Budge
Let’s take it and shake it right there
Bertie
Well, fancy this
Gussie
It’s surely not?
Budge
I can’t believe
Bertie
Good Lord alive!
Gussie
How long’s it been?
Budge
You’ve hardly changed
Bertie
You’ve lost some weight
Gussie
I can’t believe it!
Budge
It’s been a while
Bertie
You’re just the same
Budge
How do you –
Gussie
How do you –
Bertie
How do you –
Budge
How do you –
All
How do you do?
Gussie
What brings you here?
Bertie
How’s life back home?
Budge
How’s business been?
Gussie
And how’s your father?
Bertie
My sainted aunt!
What could be better, meeting like this?
Though I haven’t an inkling
Not a clue who you are
You could be Amy Johnson
Budge
No, I’m Al Capone.
How do you –
Gussie
How do you –
Bertie
How do you –
Budge
How do you –
All
How do you do?
Budge
Aren’t you Marlene Dietrich?
Gussie
I think I’m Bernard Shaw
Bertie
It really doesn’t matter who on earth you are
The truth of it all is our friendship’s been far
Too long now to bother with names
It’s just another episode
In the Wooster moral code
Let’s extend the hand of greeting
All
Hallo there, whoever you are
How do you do