YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

LINUS: (off stage)
I really don't think you have anything to worry about Charlie Brown. After all, science has shown a person's character isn't really established until at he's at least five years old.

CHARLIE BROWN:  (from off stage)
But I am five! I'm more than five!

LINUS: (from off stage)
Oh well, that's the way it goes.

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN. 

SALLY:
The only thing wrong with my big brother Charlie Brown is his lack of confidence. His inferiority, and his lack of confidence. His clumsiness, his inferiority, and his lack of confidence. His stupidity, his clumsiness, his inferiority, and his lack of confidence. . . . 

All:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN CHARLIE BROWN. 

LUCY: (from off stage)
Charlie Brown. . . . 

All:
YOU'RE THE KIND OF REMINDER WE NEED. . . 

SCHROEDER:
Did you know that Charlie Brown has never pitched a winning baseball game? Never been able to keep a kite in the air? Never won a game of checkers? And never successfully punted a football? Sometimes I marvel at his consistency. 

ALL:
YOU HAVE HUMILITY, NOBILITY AND A SENSE OF HONOR THAT IS VERY RARE INDEED. 

LINUS:
I think Charlie Brown has nice hands. 

SNOOPY:
It is truly a dog's life. A life of challenges -- You try acting excited when that round headed kid comes home from school! 

ALL:
YOU'RE A PRINCE AND A PRINCE COULD BE KING.

LUCY:
Now Linus, I want you to take a good look at Charlie Brown's face. Would you please hold still a minute Charlie Brown. I want Linus to study your face. Now, this is what you call a failure face, Linus. Notice how it has failure written all over it. Study it carefully, Linus you rarely see such a good example. Notice deep lines, the dull vacant look in his eyes -- yes I would say this is the finest example of failure face you're liable to see in a long while. 

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN. 

CHARLIE BROWN:
Some days I wake up early and watch the sun rise. And I think how beautiful it is. How my life lies before me. And I get very positive feeling about things . . . Like this morning for instance, the sky is so clear and the sun is so bright. . . How can anything go wrong on a day like this? (alarm clock rings) I'm late!! 

SNOOPY:
Woof! 

ALL (EXCEPT CHARLIE BROWN)
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN,
YOU'RE THE KIND OF REMINDER WE NEED.
YOU HAVE HUMILITY, NOBILITY AND A SENSE OF HONOR.
THAT IS VERY RARE INDEED. 

SNOOPY:
Woof! 

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN,
AND WE KNOW YOU WILL GO VERY FAR.
YES, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE,
ALMOST FRIGHTENING TO CONCEIVE,
WHAT A GOOD MAN YOU ARE. 

LINUS:
You are kind. 

ALL:
YOU ARE KIND TO ALL THE ANIMALS
AND EVERY LITTLE BIRD.
WITH A HEART OF GOLD YOU BELIEVE WHAT YOU'RE TOLD. 

LUCY:
Every single solitary word. 

ALL:
YOU BRAVELY FACE ADVERSITY,
YOU'RE CHEERFUL THROUGH THE DAY,
YOU'RE THOUGHTFUL, BRAVE AND COURTEOUS. 

LUCY:
And you also have some faults,
but for the moment let's just say....

ALL:
THAT YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN,
YOU'RE A PRINCE, AND A PRINCE COULD BE KING.
WITH A HEART SUCH AS YOURS
YOU COULD OPEN ANY DOORS,
YOU COULD GO OUT AND DO ANYTHING.
YOU COULD BE KING, CHARLIE BROWN,
YOU COULD BE KING!

CHARLIE BROWN:
EVERYBODY SAYS TO ME

ALL (EXCEPT CHARLIE BROWN):
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

CHARLIE BROWN:
EVERY VOICE IN HARMONY

ALL :
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

CHARLIE BROWN:
ALL I NEED IS ONE MORE TRY
GOTTA GET THAT KITE TO FLY
AND I'M NOT THE KIND OF GUY
WHO GIVES UP EASILY.
WONDER WHY THEY STOP TO SAY

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

CHARLIE BROWN:
NEVER LIKED ME ANYWAY

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

CHARLIE BROWN:
TRYING NOT TO ROCK THE BOAT
NOT TO MAKE A SCENE
A GOOD MAN YES, BUT I CONFESS
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN.
I WANT TO RISE LIKE I SHOULD
AND DO EVERYTHING RIGHT
BUT I LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT

ALL:
OOOH.... NEVER SLEEP

CHARLIE BROWN:
WITH QUESTIONS IN MY EAR

ALL:
OOOH.... LOUD AND DEEP

CHARLIE BROWN:
I WANT TO JOIN THE DANCE

ALL:
OOOH.... TAKE THE LEAP

CHARLIE BROWN:
BUT THE ANSWER ISN'T CLEAR
THEN I HEAR

ALL:
CHARLIE BROWN.... CHARLIE BROWN....
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN

(The School bus horn Beep-Beeps)

SCHROEDER:
Get on the bus.

LUCY:
Get on the bus.

LINUS:  
Go ahead, get on the bus, Charlie Brown.

SALLY:
Don't wanna be late for school.

ALL:
That's right!

CHARLIE BROWN:
Don't wanna be late.

ALL:
Don't wanna be late for school!

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN,

CHARLIE BROWN:
THERE THEY GO AGAIN.

ALL:
YOU'RE THE KIND OF REMINDER WE NEED.

CHARLIE BROWN:
DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN

ALL:
YOU HAVE HUMILITY, NOBILITY AND A SENSE OF HONOR.
THAT IS VERY RARE INDEED.

CHARLIE BROWN:
I'M NOT GOOD, I'M NOT BAD
I'M SOMETHING IN BETWEEN

SNOOPY:
Woof!

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN,

CHARLIE BROWN:
 I DON'T UNDERSTAND

ALL:
YOU'RE A PRINCE, AND A PRINCE COULD BE KING.
WITH A HEART SUCH AS YOURS
YOU COULD OPEN ANY DOORS,
YOU COULD GO OUT AND DO ANYTHING.
YOU COULD BE KING, CHARLIE BROWN,
YOU COULD BE KING!

CHARLIE BROWN:
NOTHING LASTS FOREVER

ALL:
YOU COULD BE KING!

CHARLIE BROWN:
ALL GOOD THINGS MUST END

ALL:
BELIEVE IT

CHARLIE BROWN:
I'VE MEMORIZED THAT PHRASE BY HEART

ALL:
AND YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS PART

CHARLIE BROWN:
SO TELL ME

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN

CHARLIE BROWN:
I NEED TO KNOW IT...

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN CHARLIE BROWN

CHARLIE BROWN:
WHEN DO THE GOOD THINGS START?

LUCY AND SCHROEDER:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN CHARLIE BROWN
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN CHARLIE BROWN

SALLY AND LINUS:
BRAVELY FACING ADVERSITY
YOU CAN OPEN UP ANY DOOR

SNOOPY:
OH, YOU'RE A GOOD MAN

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN CHARLIE BROWN

School Bell Rings)

(The kids go into school, and Snoopy tries to follow them in, but the door shuts in his face - he whimpers) 

SALLY:
This is my report on the past. The past has always interested people. I must admit, however, that I don't know much about it. I wasn't here when it happened. 

CHARLIE BROWN:
I think lunchtime is about the worst time of the day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes mornings aren't so pleasant, either - waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too - lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between - when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me.

Well, I guess I'd better see what I've got. Peanut Butter. Some psychiatrists say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely. I guess they're right. And when you're really lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth (he says this while chewing. Then he get the peanut butter unstuck with his finger.) Boy the PTA sure did a good job of painting these benches. There's that cute little redheaded girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she'd do if I went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her. She'd probably laugh right in my face. It's hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There's an empty place next to her on the bench. There's no reason why I couldn't just go over and sit there. I could do that right now. All I have to do is stand up. (He stands up.) I'm standing up. (He sits down) I'm sitting down. I'm a coward. I'm so much of a coward she probably wouldn't even think of looking at me. She hardly ever does look at me. In fact, I can't remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn't she look at me? Is there any reason in the world why she shouldn't look at me? Is she so great and I'm so small that she can't s pare one little moment... (He stops) She's looking at me. She's looking at me. (He panics and puts his lunch bag on his head.)

LUCY:
 No Sally, you're thinking of that other dress, the one I wore to Lucinda's Party. The one I'm taking about was the very light blue one and had a design embroidered around the waist.

SALLY:
I don't remember.

LUCY:
(She takes a pencil and draws on the paper bag)

Something like this. The skirt went out like this and it had these puffy sleeves and a sash like this.

SALLY:
Oh yes, I remember.

LUCY:
Yes, well that was the dress I was wearing last week when I met Frieda and she said she'd seen one just like it over at...

CHARLIE BROWN:
(Still with the bag on his head)

Lunchtime IS among the worst times of day for me. If that little redheaded girl is looking at me with this stupid bag over my head she must think I'm the biggest fool alive. But if she isn't looking at me, then maybe I could take it off quickly and she'd never notice it. On the other hand, I can't tell if she's looking or not until I take it off. Then again, if I never take it off, I'll never have to know if she was looking or not. On the other hand, it's very hard to breathe in here. (He pauses... then quickly pulls the bag off his head.) She's not looking at me. I wonder why she never looks at me. (The school bell rings again.) Oh well, one more lunch hour over with. Only two thousand, eight hundred and sixty-three to go.

CHARLIE BROWN:
ALL I NEED IS ONE MORE TRY
GOTTA GET THAT KITE TO FLY
AND I'M NOT THE KIND OF GUY
WHO GIVES UP EASILY

ALL:
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN


SCHROEDER

LUCY:
D'YA KNOW SOMETHING SCHROEDER?
I THINK THEY WAY YOU PLAY THE PIANO IS NICE.
D'YA KNOW SOMETHING ELSE?
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM,
THAT I'D MARRY A MAN WHO PLAYS THE PIANO.

AT PARTIES HE PLAYS SOMETHING NICE
LIKE APRIL SHOWERS.
I'M SURE YOU COULD PLAY SOMETHING NICE
LIKE APRIL SHOWERS.
OR EVEN FRERE JACQUES
BEETHOVEN'S NICE TOO.

JUST IMAGINE...
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF SOMEDAY YOU AND I SHOULD GET MARRIED?
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT IF SOME DAY WE TWO SHOULD GET MARRIED.

(Schroeder ducks under his piano.)

LUCY:
My Aunt Marian was right. Never try to discuss marriage with a musician.

LINUS:
Happiness is a fleeting thing, Sally, but I think that a man can come closer to it by directing the forces of his life to a single goal that he believes in. And I think that a man's personal search for happiness is not really a selfish thing, either, because by achieving happiness himself, he can help others to find it. Does that make sense to you?

SALLY:
We had spaghetti at our house three times this week. 

LUCY:
You know a princess sort of thing... a white dress and nice slippers, oh, and a big ballroom.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Uh-huh.

LUCY:
But, I guess that's kind of silly isn't it Charlie Brown?

CHARLIE BROWN:
Oh no, not at all. I mean, well, we all have our little daydreams or ambitions or whatever you want to call them. I mean there's one I've had myself for years only I've never told anyone.

LUCY:
What? You can tell me.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Oh no, it's not the sort of thing I should tell. No, I don't think I should.

LUCY:
Oh, come on please. I wouldn't give it away. Come on, PLEASE.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Well, I've always wanted to be called Flash. I hate the name Charlie. I'd like to be real athletic so that everybody would call me Flash. I like to be so good at everything that all around school I'd be known as Flash.

LUCY:
(yells) Hey, Fredia. Listen to this one! (She runs off laughing.)

CHARLIE BROWN:
What's the matter Sally?

SALLY:
I don't know. I was jumping rope... everything was fine. Then suddenly it all seemed so futile. 

SCHROEDER:
Beethoven used to be fond of taking long walks in the country. He was always inspired by the beautiful sounds of the country side.

LINUS:
(He Screams) AAAAAGGGGGGHHHH

LUCY:
Gimme back my ball you blockhead!

SCHROEDER:
Beethoven had it nice. 

LINUS:
I think I'm losing my flavor. 


SONG: SNOOPY

CHARLIE BROWN: (offstage)
Hey, Snoopy, we're home from school. Hi there, fella. Gosh, it's good to see ya.

LUCY: (offstage)
Oh, Snoopy, you're so adorable.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Okay, Snoopy, get back on your doghouse. I'll be out later with your supper.

LUCY:
I think Snoopy's such a wonderful dog.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Me too. He's just about the best there is.

SNOOPY: (Singing from his doghouse.)
THEY LIKE ME,
I THINK THEY'RE SWELL.
ISN'T IT REMARKABLE
HOW THINGS TURN OUT SO WELL?

PLEASANT DAY, PRETTY SKY,
LIFE GOES ON, HERE I LIE
NOT BAD, NOT BAD AT ALL.
COZY HOME, BOARD AND BED,
STURDY ROOF BENEATH MY HEAD.
NOT BAD, NOT BAD AT ALL.

FAITHFUL FRIENDS ALWAYS NEAR ME,
BRING ME BONES, SCRATCH MY EAR.
LITTLE BIRDS COME TO CHEER ME,
EVERY DAY
SITTING HERE
ON MY STOMACH
WITH THEIR SHARP LITTLE CLAWS
WHICH ARE USUALLY COLD
AND OCCASIONALLY PAINFUL,
AND SOMETIMES THERE ARE SO MANY
THAT I CAN HARDLY STAND IT

Rats!

I FEEL EVERY NOW AND THEN THAT I GOTTA BITE SOMEONE.
I KNOW EVERY NOW AND THEN WHAT I WANNA BE,
A FIERCE JUNGLE ANIMAL CROUCHED ON THE LIMB OF A TREE.

GIRLS VOICES: (offstage)
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

SNOOPY:
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

I'D STAY VERY, VERY STILL 'TIL I SEE A VICTIM COME.
I'D WAIT, KNOWING VERY WELL EVERY SECOND COUNTS,
AND THEN, LIKE THE FIERCE JUNGLE CREATURE I AM,
I WOULD POUNCE.
I'D POUNCE!
I'D POUNCE!!
I'D POU... WOW...WOW WOW. . .

You know, I never realized it was so far down to the ground from up here.

HMMM.
LET ME SEE, WHERE WAS I?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THE PRETTY SKY.
NOT BAD, NOT BAD AT ALL.
COZY HOME, BOARD AND BED,
STURDY ROOF BENEATH MY HEAD.
NOT BAD, NOT BAD AT ALL.
NOT BAD, NOT BAD AT ALL.

I wonder if it will snow tonight. . . Aroooooooooo!

CHARLIE BROWN:
I think I'll just walk right up to that little red-haired girl and introduce myself. I think I'll introduce myself and then I think I'll ask her to come over here and sit next to me. I think I'll ask her to sit by me and then I think I'll tell her how much I've always admired her... I think I'll flap my arms and fly to the moon.

SNOOPY:
Yesterday, I was a dog. Today, I'm a dog. Tomorrow, I'll probably still be a dog. There's just so little hope of advancement.

LUCY:
Today is April fools day Charlie Brown. I think I'll play a little trick on you. I think I'll try a little trick. You understand what I'm saying don't you? You understand this is April fools day? You sure? I want to be certain you understand. Okay! Hey Charlie Brown, guess what! That little red-haired girl is over there and she wants to give you a hug and kiss.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Really? Wow, this is fantastic!

LUCY:
April fool!! Just like shooting fish in a barrel.

LINUS:
Snoopy! Do you see this stick? I, the human being, will throw the stick and you, the dog, will retrieve it.

SNOOPY:
I, the dog, could not be less interested.

LUCY:
I got it, I got it! (she laughs)

LINUS:
Arrgghh!!

(A big chasing scene begins.)

LINUS:
You give me back my blanket.

LUCY:
No! I've got it and I'm going to keep it. This is just the start you need to help you break this disgusting habit.

LINUS:
Apparently you haven't read the latest scientific reports. A blanket is as important to a child as a hobby is to an adult. Many a man spends his time restoring antique automobiles, or building model trains, or collecting old telephones, or even studying about the Civil War. This is called playing with the past.

LUCY:
Really?

LINUS:
Certainly. And this is good, for it helps these men to cope with their everyday problems. Now, I feel that it is going to be absolutely necessary for me to get me blanket back, so I'm just going to have to give it a good YANK! It's surprising what you can accomplish with a little smooth talking and some fast action.

MY BLANKET AND ME

LINUS:
Got ya back again.
MMM... Delightful...
MMMMMMMMMMMMMM. . .

Sucking your thumb without a blanket is like eating a cone without ice cream.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM. . .
MY BLANKET AND ME!
(he dances)

LUCY:
Look at my little baby brother Linus, and his little baby blanket.

SALLY:
There's your baby brother with his silly little blanket.

LUCY:
Well, you know how babies are with their blanket.

LINUS:
What do you mean?

IT'S A COZY SANCTUARY BUT IT'S FAR FROM NECESSARY.
CAUSE I'M JUST AS SELF-RELIANT AS BEFORE.
AS A SIMPLE DEMONSTRATION,
OF MY INDEPENDENT STATION.
I WILL GO AND LEAVE MY BLANKET ON THE FLOOR.
YES, I'LL WALK AWAY AND LEAVE IT,
THOUGH I KNOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT,
I'LL JUST WALK AWAY AND LEAVE IT ON THE FLOOR.
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
I'LL JUST WALK. . . AWAY
AND LEAVE IT ON THE.....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Don't ever let me do that again!

LUCY:
You're a hopeless case Linus.

LINUS:
I thought I could do it. I actually thought I could do it.

(Long Dance sequence - by the end of it everyone is dancing with their blankets too.)

LINUS:
IT'S FOOLISH, I KNOW IT,
I'LL TRY TO OUTGROW IT,
BUT MEANWHILE. . .
IT'S MY BLANKET AND. . .

LUCY:
AND ME...

SALLY:
AND ME...

CHARLIE BROWN:
AND ME...

SCHROEDER:
AND ME...

LINUS:
AND ME.

LUCY:
Linus, do you know what I intend. I intend to be a queen. (Musical fanfare.) When I grow up I'm going to be the biggest queen there ever was. And I'll live in a big palace with a big front lawn and have lots of beautiful dresses to wear. And, when I go out in my coach all the people...

LINUS: (interrupting her)
Lucy!

LUCY:
All the people will wave, and I will SHOUT at them. And...

LINUS:
Lucy, I believe queen is an inherited title. Yes, I am quite sure a person can only be queen by being born into a royal family of the correct lineage so that she can assume the throne after the death of the reining monarch. I can't think of any possible way that you could ever become a queen. I'm sorry Lucy, but it's true.

LUCY:
And in the summer time, I will go to my summer palace and I will wear my crown in swimming and everything. And all the people will cheer and I will SHOUT at them. (She pauses) WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T BE A QUEEN!!!!!!

LINUS:
It's true.

LUCY:
There must be a loop hole... this kind of thing always has a loop hole. Nobody should be kept from being a queen if she wants to be one. It's undemocratic.

LINUS:
Good grief!

LUCY:
It's usually just a matter of knowing the right people. I bet a few pieces of well placed correspondence and I get to be queen in no time.

LINUS:
I think I'll watch television.

LUCY:
I know what I'll do. If I can't be a queen, then I'll be very rich. I'll work and work until I'm very rich and then I will buy myself a queendom.

LINUS:
GOOD GRIEF!

LUCY:
Yes, I will buy myself a queendom and I'll kick out the old queen and take over the whole operation myself. I will be head queen. NOW switch channels.

LINUS:
Are you kidding? I'm not one of your royal subjects. What makes you think you can just take over?

LUCY:
These five fingers. Individually they are nothing but when I curl them together into a single unit they become a fighting force terrible to behold.

LINUS:
Yes, your majesty.
Why can't you guys get organized like that?!?!

SALLY:
A "C"... a "C"... I got a "C" on my coat hanger sculpture. How could anyone get a "C" in coat hanger sculpture? May I ask a question? Was I being judged on the piece of sculpture itself? If so, is it not true that time alone can judge a work of art? Or was I being judged on my talent? If so, is it right that I be judged on a part of life over which I have no control? If I was judged on my effort then I was judged unfairly for I tried as hard as I could. Was I being judged on what I have learned about this project? If so, were then not you, my teacher, also being judged on your ability to transmit your knowledge to me? Are you willing to share my "C"? (High pitched Oh) Well, perhaps I was being judged on the quality of the coat hanger itself, out of which my creation was made. Now is that not also unfair? Am I to be judged by the quality of the coat hangers that are used by our dry cleaning establishment to return our garments. Is this not the responsibility of my parents? Should they not share my "C"?

TEACHER'S VOICE:
WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA

SALLY:
Thank you Miss Othmar. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.


THE KITE

CHARLIE BROWN:
LITTLE MORE SPEED, LITTLE MORE ROPE,
LITTLE MORE WIND, LITTLE MORE HOPE,
GOTTA GET THIS STUPID KITE TO FLY.
GOTTA MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T SNAG,
DOESN'T DROOP, DOESN'T DRAG,
GOTTA WATCH OUT FOR EVERY LITTLE... WHOOPS!

LITTLE LESS SPEED, LITTLE MORE TACK,
LITTLE LESS RISE, LITTLE MORE SLACK,
GOTTA KEEP MY WITS ABOUT ME NOW.
GOTTA MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T GET THE BEST OF ME
TILL I GET IT IN THE AIR SOMEHOW.

MILLIONS OF LITTLE KIDS DO IT EVERY DAY,
THEY MAKE A KITE AND POOF, IT'S IN THE SKY.
LEAVE IT TO ME TO HAVE THE ONE FOOL KITE
WHO LIKES TO SEE A LITTLE KID CRY.

LITTLE LESS TALK, LITTLE MORE SKILL,
LITTLE LESS LUCK, LITTLE MORE WILL,
GOTTA FACE THIS FELLOW EYE TO EYE.
NOW THAT I'VE SEEN YOU CHASING MOLES,
CLIMBING TREES, DIGGING HOLES,
CATCHING YOUR STRING ON EVERYTHING PASSING BY,
WHY NOT FLY?

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S IT DOING?
IT ISN'T ON THE GROUND,
IT ISN'T IN A TREE,
IT'S IN THE AIR!
LOOK AT THAT,
IT'S CAUGHT THE BREEZE NOW,
IT'S PAST THE TREES NOW,
WITH ROOM TO SPARE.

OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT.
AND I'M NOT SUCH A CLUMSY GUY,
IF I REALLY TRY
I CAN REALLY FLY A KITE!
(Off-stage, the kite crashes to the ground.)

SCHROEDER:
How are you today Sally?

SALLY:
I'm mad. I'm mad at the whole world.

SCHROEDER:
Are you mad at everybody in the whole world?

SALLY:
I'm mad at everybody.

SCHROEDER:
Are you mad at all the animals, and the birds and the fish? How 'bout all the trees and the flowers? 

SALLY:
I'm mad at them too. I'm mad at everything.

SCHROEDER:
Are you mad at the sky and the stars? Are you mad at the ground? Are you mad at all the rocks? Are you mad at cars and buildings, and TV, and circuses, and roller skates and bracelets?

SALLY:
You didn't mention jump ropes!

SCHROEDER:
Are you mad at jump ropes?

SALLY:
I'm especially mad at stupid jump ropes. (she then pull the jump rope all the way out and it's all knotted up.)

CHARLIE BROWN:
This is for you Lucy, Happy Valentine's Day. That doesn't sound right. Here, Lucy, this is for you, Happy Valentine's Day. You can do it if you just don't get nervous. This is for you, Lucy, Happy Valentine's Day. (Lucy enters.) Okay, take it easy, you can do it. This is for you Lucy...(He hands he the card) Merry Christmas. (He screams.)

CHARLIE BROWN:
I'd give anything if that little red haired girl sent me a valentine. Maybe she did send me one... maybe she sent me a valentine and it's in our mailbox right now. I'm afraid to look... If I look and there's nothing there I'll be crushed... but, if she did send me a valentine... I've got to look! (He sticks his head in the mailbox.) HELLOOOOOOOO (It echoes.)
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.

SALLY:
I've been thinking about why you didn't get any valentines big brother. I think I figured it out. You didn't get any valentine because no one sent you any. (She laughs.)

CHARLIE BROWN:
I can't stand it. Look at them laughing and enjoying themselves with their valentines. I sent a valentine to everyone I know this Valentine's Day, and did I get any in return? No, not one. I did not get one single valentine. Everybody gets valentines but me. Nobody likes me. I get about as many valentines as a dog. (SNOOPY walks in with a big bunch of valentines and laughs at Charlie Brown.) My stomach hurts.

(He goes over to Lucy's psychiatrist booth.)

CHARLIE BROWN:
Oh, Lucy, I'm so depressed. Everything is going wrong. I don't know what to do.

LUCY:
I'm sorry to hear that, Charlie Brown. Maybe there's something I can do to help. I think what you need most of all is to come right out and admit all the things that are wrong with you.

CHARLIE BROWN:
You really thing that will help, Lucy?

LUCY:
Certainly.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Alright, I'll try!


SONG: THE DOCTOR IS IN

CHARLIE BROWN:
I'M NOT VERY HANDSOME, OR CLEVER, OR LUCID
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN STUPID AT SPELLING AND NUMBERS.
I'VE NEVER BEEN MUCH PLAYING FOOTBALL OR BASEBALL,
OR STICKBALL OR CHECKERS OR MARBLES OR PING PONG. . .
I'M USUALLY AWFUL AT PARTIES AND DANCES
I STAND LIKE A STICK, OR I COUGH
OR I LAUGH
OR I DON'T BRING A PRESENT
OR I SPILL THE ICE CREAM
OR I GET SO DEPRESSED THAT
I STAND AND I SCREAM. . .
OH, HOW COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE
ONE SMALL PERSON AS THOROUGHLY,
TOTALLY, UTTERLY,
BLAH AS ME?

LUCY:
Well, that's okay for a starter.

CHARLIE BROWN:
A starter?

LUCY:
Well, sure. . . You don't think that mentioning these few superficial failings is going to do any good, do you? Why, Charlie Brown, you really have to delve!

YOU'RE STUPID, SELF-CENTERED AND MOODY.

CHARLIE BROWN:
I'M MOODY.

LUCY:
YOU'RE TERRIBLY DULL TO BE WITH.

CHARLIE BROWN:
YES, I AM. . .
AND NOBODY LIKES ME. . .
NOT FRIEDA, OR SHERMY, OR LINUS, OR SCHROEDER...

LUCY:
OR LUCY.

CHARLIE BROWN:
OR LUCY.

LUCY:
OR SNOOPY.

CHARLIE BROWN:
OR SNOOP --

Now wait a minute!! Snoopy likes me.

LUCY:
He only pretends to like you because you feed him. That doesn't count.

CHARLIE BROWN:
OR SNOOPY.
OH, WHY WAS I BORN JUST TO BE
ONE SMALL PERSON AS THOROUGHLY, TOTALLY, UTTERLY...

LUCY:
Wait!!

YOU'RE NOT VERY MUCH OF A PERSON.

CHARLIE BROWN:
THAT'S CERTAIN.

LUCY:
AND YET THERE IS REASON FOR HOPE.

CHARLIE BROWN:
THERE'S HOPE?

LUCY:
FOR ALTHOUGH YOU ARE NO GOOD AT MUSIC, LIKE SCHROEDER
OR HAPPY, LIKE SNOOPY
OR LOVELY, LIKE ME!!
YOU HAVE THE DISTINCTION TO BE
NO ONE ELSE BUT THE SINGULAR, REMARKABLE,
UNIQUE CHARLIE BROWN.. . .

CHARLIE BROWN:
I'M ME!

LUCY:
YES. . .
IT'S AMAZINGLY TRUE.
FOR WHAT EVER IT'S WORTH, CHARLIE BROWN,
YOU'RE YOU.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Gosh, Lucy, you know something, I'm beginning to feel better already. You're a true friend, Lucy, a true friend.

LUCY:
That'll be five cents, please.

SALLY:
I couldn't decide if I wanted fudge marble, chocolate, rocky road, or vanilla. I finally decided on fudge marble. Then I had to choose between a plain cone or a sugar cone. I choose the sugar cone. SO what happened? I walk out and drop the whole thing on the sidewalk. Don't tell me my life isn't a Shakespearean tragedy.

LINUS:
Today is my grandfather's Birthday, Charlie Brown.

CHARLIE BROWN:
How old is he?

LINUS:
63... It's hard to believe he was once a human being.

SNOOPY:
Why is it I always have my supper in the red dish and my drinking water in the yellow dish? One of these days I'm going to have my supper in the yellow dish and my drink water in the red dish. Life's just TOO short not to live it up a little.

LUCY:
Schroeder, do piano players make a lot of money?

SCHROEDER:
Money? Who cares about money? This is art you blockhead. This is great music I'm playing and playing great music is an art. DO you hear me? An ART! ART! ART! ART! ART!

LUCY:
You fascinate me.


BEETHOVEN DAY

SCHROEDER:
CALL THE PRINCIPAL AND HAND HIM THE NEWS.
WE GOT A HOLIDAY THAT HE CAN'T REFUSE.
A DAY OF HARMONY AND DAY OF MUSIC.
BEETHOVEN'S BIRTHDAY.

SALLY:
BEETHOVEN DAY?

SCHROEDER:
A REVERENTIAL MISSION

LINUS:
BEETHOVEN DAY?

SCHROEDER:
THE HOPE OF EACH MUSICIAN.
NO MORE AM I THE ONLY GUY TO STAND UP AND SAY
HOORAY! BEETHOVEN HOORAY !

CHARLIE BROWN:
Beethoven Day?

LINUS:
Yes. As in, Ludwig Von Beethoven, composer. Born 1770 died 1827. The eldest of three sons, Ludwig's mother was the daughter of the chief overseer of the kitchen...

LUCY:
Whatever!! Schroeder, I just want you to know I'm on your side. I want to help you publicity wise with Beethoven's birthday. After all, this is a really big thing.

SCHROEDER:
Thanks for your support, but I just don't want to see Beethoven birthday commercialized.

LUCY:
Commercialized?

SCHROEDER:
Yes, the next thing you know, they'll be selling Beethoven sweatshirts!

SNOOPY: (w/ a Beethoven shirt on)
BEETHOVEN DAY!

SCHROEDER:
IF YOU'RE WONDERING
NOW HOW DO WE START.
JUST BLOW THE MUSIC TILL
YOU KNOW IT BY HEART.
WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE.
WE'LL THROW A PARTY.
BEETHOVEN'S BIRTHDAY

ALL:
BEETHOVEN DAY

SCHROEDER:
AND WHEN YOU SAY THE TITLE.

ALL:
BEETHOVEN DAY

SCHROEDER:
YOU HEAR A GREAT RECITAL.
THE RIGHT OF EVERY BOY AND GIRL TO STAND UP AND SAY

ALL:
HOORAY BEETHOVEN HOORAY !

ALL:
BEETHOVEN DAY. . . (sung to Beethoven's 5th symphony again)
(11 times)

ALL:
BEETHOVEN DAY

SCHROEDER:
A PHILHARMONIC RUMBLE

ALL:
BEETHOVEN DAY

SCHROEDER:
A POLYPHONIC JUMBLE.
A HUMBLE DEDICATION
AS WE STAND UP AND SAY

ALL:
HOORAY BEETHOVEN HOORAY !

LUCY:
I got it [, I got it, I got it.] We'll demand full page ads in every newspaper!

LINUS:
We'll start a chain of Beethoven super stores!

SALLY:
[Ah, ah, ah...]We'll build a theme park!

CHARLIE BROWN:
We can have a bake sale...

SCHROEDER:
No, no, no... that's too commercial!

LET'S IMAGINE IT,
THAT GLORIOUS HOUR
FILLED WITH EMOTION,
YET INSPIRED WITH POWER
AS WE ALL HONOR THE MAN WE ADORE
ON THE DAY WE PLACE THE NEWEST FACE
ON MOUNT RUSHMORE

ALL:
MOUNT RUSHMORE

ALL:
BEETHOVEN DAY

SCHROEDER:
A MOMENT OF REFLECTION

ALL:
BEETHOVEN DAY

SCHROEDER:
A CLASSICAL INJECTION.
SO FACING THIS DIRECTION
WE BEGIN IT TODAY

ALL:
BEETHOVEN HOORAY!

SCHROEDER:
A MUSICAL COLLECTION
EVERYBODY CAN PLAY

ALL:
IT'S BEETHOVEN DAY

SCHROEDER:
THE RIGHT OF EVERY BOY AND GIRL
TO STAND UP AND SAY

ALL:
WOO!

SCHROEDER:
HOORAY BEETHOVEN HOORAY

ALL:
IT'S TIME FOR CELEBRATING
BEETHOVEN WAY

ALL:
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (sung to tune of 'Ode To Joy')

ALL:
HOORAY !

(Sally appears at Snoopy's doghouse and blows a horn. Snoopy screams.)

SALLY:
Alright, everybody out for rabbit chasing.

SNOOPY:
Oh good grief.

(She blows a horn again and Snoopy screams again.)

SALLY:
Come on Snoopy. Up and attum! It's a magnificent day for chasing rabbits. The air is clear, the sun is shining, the fields and woodlands lie open and inviting.

SNOOPY:
If it's such a magnificent day why spoil it for the rabbits?

(She blows the horn.)

SALLY:
Come on Snoopy. Where's that old thrill of the chase? Where's your spirit of adventure? What kind of dog are you anyway?

SNOOPY:
I'm a sleeping dog... you take it from there.

SALLY:
You should be ashamed of yourself, wasting a perfectly good day like this. The scent is fresh, The trail is clear. Let's get out there and track us down a big ol'rabbit.

SNOOPY:
Well, I get the feeling she's determined. Okay, if that's what she wants, she might as well get her money's worth.

SALLY:
Atta boy Snoopy, We oughtta see lots of game today.

CHARLIE BROWN:
Sometimes when you're depressed, all you want to do is nothing. All you want to do is lean your head on you arm and stare into space. Sometimes this can go on for hours. If your unusually depressed you may have to change arms.

SALLY:
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

SNOOPY:
Ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro, ro!

SALLY:
Look out... Look out...

LUCY:
Schroeder, what did you do with that picture I gave you?

SCHROEDER:
I threw it away.

LUCY:
With your own hands?

SCHROEDER
Of course.

LUCY:
He touched my picture.

CHARLIE BROWN:
This has been a bad time for me. Maybe if I'm lucky, tomorrow will be a better day.

LINUS:
In some parts of the world tomorrow is already today, and today is yesterday. If tomorrow is already today Charlie Brown, there's no way that tomorrow could be a better day.

CHARLIE BROWN:
You're a lot of fun to have around.


BOOK REPORT

SALLY AND SNOOPY:
CHASING RABBITS, CHASING RABBITS, CHASING RABBITS,
CHASING RABBITS, CHASING RABBITS, CHASING RABBITS,
CHASING RABBITS, CHASING RABBITS....

LINUS:
Rabbits!

SCHROEDER:
Rabbits!

LUCY:
Rabbits!

CHARLIE BROWN:
Rabbits!

LUCY:
A BOOK REPORT ON PETER RABBIT, PETER RABBIT, PETER RA-

LINUS:
A BOOK REPORT ON PETER RABBIT, PETER RA-

SCHROEDER:
A BOOK REPORT ON PETER RABBIT, RA-

CHARLIE BROWN:
A BOOK REPORT ON PETER RA-

ALL:
-ABBIT

LUCY:
PETER RABBIT. . .
IS THIS STUPID BOOK
ABOUT THIS STUPID RABBIT WHO STEALS
VEGETABLES FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S GARDENS.

One, two, three, four. five , six seven , eight,
nine, ten, eleven, twelve thirteen ,
fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen.
Eighty-three to go.

SCHROEDER:
THE NAME OF THE BOOK ABOUT WHICH,
THIS BOOK REPORT IS ABOUT IS,
PETER RABBIT,
WHICH IS ABOUT THIS
RABBIT.
I FOUND IT VERY...
I LIKED THE PART WHERE...
IT WAS A...
IT REMINDED ME OF ROBIN HOOD.
AND THE PART WHERE LITTLE JOHN JUMPED FROM THE ROCK
TO THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM'S BACK.
AND THEN ROBIN AND EVERYONE SWUNG FROM THE TREES
IN A SUDDEN SURPRISE ATTACK.
AND THEY CAPTURED THE SHERIFF AND ALL OF HIS GOODS,
AND THEY CARRIED HIM BACK TO THEIR CAMP IN THE WOODS,
AND THE SHERIFF WAS GUEST AT THEIR DINNER AND ALL,
BUT HE WRIGGLED AWAY AND HE SOUNDED THE CALL
AND HIS MEN RUSHED IN AND THE ARROWS FLEW
PETER RABBIT DID SORT OF THAT KIND OF THING TOO.

LUCY:
THE OTHER PEOPLE'S NAME WAS MACGREGOR.

Eighteen, nineteen, twenty,
twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three.
Hmmm.

LINUS:
 In examining a work such as Peter Rabbit, it is important that the superficial characteristics of its deceptively simple plot should not be allowed to blind the reader to the more substantial fabric of its deeper motivations. In this report, I plan to discuss the sociological implications of family pressures so great as to drive an otherwise moral rabbit to perform acts of thievery which he consciously knew were against the law. I also hope to explore the personality of Mr. MacGregor in his conflicting roles as farmer and humanitarian. Peter Rabbit is established from the start as a benevolent hero. . .

CHARLIE BROWN:
IF I START WRITING NOW
WHEN I'M NOT REALLY RESTED
IT COULD UPSET MY THINKING
WHICH IS NOT GOOD AT ALL.
I'LL GET A FRESH START TOMORROW
AND IT'S NOT DUE TILL WEDNESDAY,
SO I'LL HAVE ALL OF TUESDAY,
UNLESS SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN.
WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN
I SHOULD BE OUTSIDE PLAYING,
GETTING FRESH AIR AND SUNSHINE,
I WORK BEST UNDER PRESSURE
AND THERE'LL BE LOTS OF PRESSURE
IF I WAIT TILL TOMORROW,
I SHOULD START WRITING NOW.
BUT IF I START WRITING NOW WHEN
I'M NOT REALLY RESTED,
IT COULD UPSET MY THINKING WHICH IS NO GOOD AT ALL.

LUCY:
THE NAME OF THE RABBIT WAS PETER.

Twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six,
Twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine,
Thirty. Yes!!

SCHROEDER:
DOWN CAME THE STAFF ON HIS HEAD
SMASH!
AND ROBIN FELL LIKE A SACK FULL OF LEAD
CRASH!
THE SHERIFF LAUGHED AND HE LEFT HIM FOR DEAD
HA!
BUT HE WAS WRONG.

LUCY:
Thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty. . .

SCHROEDER:
JUST THEN AN ARROW FLEW IN.
WHING!
IT WAS THE SIGN FOR THE FIGHT TO BEGIN
ZING!
AND THEN IT LOOKED LIKE THE SHERIFF WOULD WIN
AH!
BUT NOT FOR LONG.
AWAY THEY RAN.
JUST LIKE RABBITS,
WHO RUN A LOT,
AS YOU CAN TELL
FROM THE STORY
OF PETER RABBIT.
WHICH THIS REPORT
IS ABOUT.

SALLY AND SNOOPY:
(Running across the stage singing)

RABBITS RABBITS RABBITS RABBITS CHASING RABBITS

CHARLIE BROWN: (who is by this time a mess from all the tension)
HOW DO THEY EXPECT US TO WRITE A BOOK REPORT . . .

LUCY:
THERE WERE VEGETABLES IN THE GARDEN....

CHARLIE BROWN:
 ...OF ANY QUALITY
IN JUST TWO DAYS.

LUCY:
SUCH AS CARROTS AND SPINACH
AND ONIONS

CHARLIE BROWN:
HOW CAN THEY
CONSPIRE TO MAKE LIFE SO MISERABLE
AND SO EFFECTIVELY
IN SO MANY WAYS. 

LUCY: 
AND LETTUCE
AND TURNIPS AND PARSLEY
AND OKRA AND CABBAGE
AND STRING BEANS AND PARSNIPS
TOMATOES, POTATOES, ASPARAGUS
CAULIFLOWER, RHUBARB, AND CHIVES..

LINUS: 
Not to mention the extreme pressure exerted on him by his deeply rooted rivalry with Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail!!!  LUCY:  
PETER RABBIT IS THIS
STUPID BOOK
ABOUT A STUPID RABBIT
WHO STEALS VEGETABLES
FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S GARDENS.
GARDENS, GARDENS.

Seventy-five, seventy-six,
Seventy-seven, seventy-eight,
Seventy-nine, Eighty
Eighty-one, Eighty-two. 

CHARLIE BROWN:
IF I START WRITING NOW
WHEN I'M NOT REALLY RESTED
IT COULD UPSET MY THINKING
WHICH IS NOT GOOD AT ALL.
NOT GOOD AT ALL.
OH
FIRST THING AFTER DINNER
I'LL START. 

SCHROEDER:
THE NAME OF THIS BOOK ABOUT WHICH
THIS BOOK REPORT IS ABOUT IS
PETER RABBIT, PETER RABBIT.
ALL FOR ONE,
EVERY MAN DOES HIS PART.
OH

LUCY:
AND THEY WERE VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY
VERY, VERY HAPPY TO BE HOME  

SCHROEDER/ SALLY/ SNOOPY: 
THE END. 

LUCY:  
Ninety-four, ninety-five. . .

THE VERY, VERY, VERY END. 

LINUS:
AMEN. 

CHARLIE BROWN:
A BOOK REPORT ON PETER RAB. . . . 

CHARLIE BROWN:
...BIT

JUST START WRITING
YOU CAN DO IT
NOTHING TO IT
GOT TO START....

SCHROEDER:
PETER RABBIT WAS A LOT LIKE ROBIN HOOD
PETER RABBIT WAS A LOT LIKE ROBIN HOOD.....

LINUS:
SOCIOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS
JOINED WITH FAMILIAL CONDEMNATIONS....

LUCY:
PETER RABBIT (8 times)....

SALLY AND SNOOPY:
RABBIT (4 times)....

ALL:
RABBIT (7 times)....

CHARLIE BROWN:
I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET!

ALL:
PETER RABBIT!


Act Two   |   Back to YAGMCB Index